I love the youth

I taught my Shakespeare group yesterday. They are so amazing. But one thing occured that was just too priceless. Instead of giving them an assigned topic for their journal writing, I taught them the basics of writing haiku poetry. After sharing some of mine, I asked them to write their own. I then asked if any of them would like to share what they had written. Many of them chose to share and I was just sitting there basking in the amazing work that I was hearing. Then...it happened...I had been randomly perusing the offerings before the students stood up to read them because there are a couple of kids in there who might try to do something a bit off color. But then Daniel stood up to present his haiku. He started to hand me his paper but I said, "Oh Daniel, you need not do that, I trust you." I should have been warned by his behavior. He turned very red and turned away from me and started to sit back down. I can, occasionally, be naive and so I did not read the signs and I told him to stop being shy and to stand up and read his poem to us. Everyone laughed because there are few less shy than Daniel. He looked at me and said, "Really, are you sure?" I still did not get it and told him to go ahead. So...here was his offering...

Toilet Bowl

Pain is coming fast
The screams come in long, loud waves
Splash. Thud. The pain's gone.

Daniel stood there. There was a moment of dead silence and then we ALL lost it. It caught me so off guard that I did snort. I hate that because once a group of kids learns that about me, they never let me live it down. But I was hopelessly lost in laughter. It was a funny haiku, but the entire exchange beforehand when I had avowed to my total trust in Daniel just set it up so perfectly. It was a priceless moment. We had been struggling coming together as a group, which is so necessary in this first semester as we prepare to create a Shakepeare production in the second semester. I have been praying and pondering on how to bring this group together. Daniel and his bowel movement haiku may have been just the ticket. The entire timbre of the room changed and we were of one mind. I think that me and the two other mentors in this project were able to build well on the moment and we had, by far, our best class of the year after our little haiku exercise. I love the way these things can work.

I am the...jerk

Okay, you may be wondering about the title. The actual quote used a much stronger word than "jerk" but I thought I should probably not use the stronger word. This title comes from an interesting experience I had over the past week. A week ago Saturday, on the 11th of September, I went to the home game for our local high school football team. I was once employed by this school and in our small town, I know most every kid and their parents. And, of course, I wanted to see my nephew, Austin, play. Can I just mention how proud I am of him! Anyway, there was a man there that I know well. He coaches in our local Little League, in fact, he coached my son on the All-Stars team. I do not really care for this man. I think he is heavy handed in his approach to children and I think he is the picture of being incorrectly prideful. I watched as this man's son got hurt. I know this man's son, he is a very good athlete and a super tough kid. I knew that if this young man was saying he was hurt, he was hurt. His dad (and his mom too, for that matter) did not concur with my assessment. They were berating that poor boy, relentlessly, from the stands. They gave him enough hell that he told the coach he would go back in. He did and he was back to catch a punt when the other team hit their next fourth down situation. He caught that punt and began to run and then he just crumpled to the ground. It was SO obvious that he was really hurt. But no, not according to his folks. The coach took him out for the remainder of the game and his parents jeered at him throughout. When the game ended, this boy made his way, very slowly out of the stadium. In our stadium, this means climbing a large amount of steep stairs and then crossing a long pedestrian bridge over the highway and then down a steep hill to the parking lot. He could barely move. And yet, I sat there, totally fuming, as this father continued to throw crap in his son's face. I have seldom felt so helplessly angry. Fast forward to Monday night, the 20th of September. I am back at that same stadium, watching the JV football game. I see this young man make his way across the bridge, on crutches. His father is standing at the back of the stadium with me and my husband. Karl asks the man about his son. He gets a look on his face. He puts his head down for a moment and gathers himself and then proceeds to tell us in a very funny way how he finallly got it through his thick head, nine days after the hit, that maybe his son was really hurt. So they had taken him in to see an orthepedic doctor, earlier that day. Guess what?! You got it, that boy had a fractured hip. And furthermore, there was a huge amount of muscle damage done after the initial fracture. The doctor asked about this, and the boy admitted to going back into to play, after the initial injury. The doctor roared, "Who is the asshole that told you to go back in?" The father pauses in his story and says, "I roared right back, I am the asshole. But you guys already knew that about me." We all laugh, it is funny, the way he tells it, and yes, we all did know that about him. He plays up the laughs for a time and even impliments his wife in the whole fiasco. But then he leans over and says, "But I am so sorry for what I did. My son is out for the year and maybe more because I AM an asshole. I am so sorry." I still do not agree with him, I will now take even greater care to watch him, should he ever again coach my son. But my heart melted towards him in that moment. I could see a humility in his eyes that I did not think he was capable of and I was glad to see it. I found myself offering a silent prayer for him and for his wife and for their boy, but most especially for me and my judgements. I asked for help to show love to all around me, no matter what.

Organizations

I helped to lead a discussion on the book and concepts of the book QBQ or the Question Behind the Question yesterday. I had one large disconnect with the author of the book going into that discussion. I did not agree with his idea that with organizations in our lives we must "believe or leave". That seemed to be a loser attitude to me. I stated this in our discussion. The people in the group did not agree with me. We spent a great deal of time in our discussion having the others explain their reasons for agreeing with the author. I listened carefully to their arguments and have been mulling them over ever since. Tonight I went to an activity for our church and I sat there realizing that this was an organization that I did not believe in. I believe in the doctrine, but not in this particular organization. But is this an organization that I could leave? No, I cannot simply leave. So...what I am supposed to do about this? That is the question that I wrestle with tonight. Based on the concepts of QBQ, I need to take ownership and personal responsibility. So tonight this is my dilemma.

Being a mommy means being a queen

So...another friend blogged just the other day about what each of might call our mission. He listed being a mom. Right now I am working towards that mission. Poor little Seviah started throwing up about two hours ago. It is now nearing 1 AM and she shows no signs of stopping. She is sleeping right now, but she is still moaning in her sleep, so I know that we are not finished. I know is sounds crazy, but I love being a mom at times like this. When it is just the two of you and they totally and completely want you beside them. And you just find yourself reading aloud to them or showing them silly videos on youtube or dorks.com just to take their mind off of their aches and pains. And then they draw you a picture and you are a queen in that picture and you are wearing a crown. And you do feel like a queen. You truly do. You don't smell like a queen , you don't look like a queen and you are getting pretty loopy as the night wears on, but you are a queen.

The remainder of this holiday weekend was supposed to be filled with a variety of friends coming around for barbeques and badminton and horseshoes. I am thinking now that the remainder of the weekend will be spent being a mommy instead. I am okay with that. The other kids will not be happy, but we will make the best of it. I also am thinking that I will not be attending church tomorrow...well...later today. So...me and Seviah will play scripture games and be silly and stay in our jammies.

Yep, a woman can even be a queen in her jammies!!

Home...

We are back, but let me review the end of the trip before I jump into reality. Our last day and night and half a day in Orlando was pure Disney magic. I was in a fair amount of pain because of the blisters on my feet so I did not complain when the family slept in. When they did get up and moving, we decided to head to EPCOT for a quiet day with no plan, just wandering. We did have a slight plan in that we had a 2:10 reservation to eat at our favorite Japanese restaurant. So...we entered the park and just wandered. We rode the Universe of Energy and Spaceship Earth before beginning our wanderings towards Japan. Our meal there was incredible, as always. I FINALLY got my hands on some sushi and was in heaven. I also had the chef prepare me stir fried vegetables, just so I could watch him. It is one of the restaurants where the chef prepares your food on the grill/table and puts on a great show in that preparation. Malachi is a terrific chef and loves to watch this display. Maybe someday he will have such skills?! We enjoyed both the show and the food tremendously and ate at a very leisurely pace. Malachi had decided that he wanted to spend some of his hard earned 4H money on a sword. So we studied the swords in the Japanese and British and Chinese pavilions. In the meantime, Off Kilter, the Celtic rock band had taken the stage in their regular afternoon show. I caught two sets. The first set was okay...well...I got to see men, playing bagpipes and wearing kilts, so it was better than okay. But the second set, the one my family missed, because they do not understand my love of this music was phenomenal. I got to hear Danny Boy, Scotland is Free AND Amazing Grace. They finished with Amazing Grace, so there were tears flowing from me. And my family walked up just in time to be embarrassed that I was crying. Oh well. Apparently it is not just a laughter problem that I suffer from, it is just an overall large emotion issue. After the show, I stopped off in the UK pavilion to purchase my yearly supply of smoked Welsh salt. I know, it sounds crazy, but it is amazing! Then the boys decided to head over to China and purchase the desired sword, so the girls headed to the France pavilion for pastries. Yep, I got sushi in Japan and a Napoleon in France. Sheesh...why wouldn't you love Disney World?! The Napoleon was divine and I was just glad to get off of my poor feet for awhile. After we had sat as long as we dared, we headed back to the front of the park to ride Test Track. It was awesome, as usual. By then it was time to head to the dock for our VIP viewing of Illuminations, the fireworks/music/water/laser show that they perform in EPCOT every night. Did you know that they use 1105 fireworks every night? And that they have only cancelled the show 3 times in 12 years. Twice because of hurricanes, whose winds would not allow for fireworks and once on 9/11, because the government demanded that they close down DisneyWorld at 1:00 PM. That is an amazing track record for a show of this magnitude. We were right there on the dock watching the men scurry around and then it started and the flames were just a few feet away and it was intense and then the firework cannons started exploding all around us and it was unreal. I cannot even begin to describe the sensation. My boys were literally in shock. I cannot thank Jerry and Tom and the crew enough for giving us that opportunity. I have always loved the music from Illuminations and so in commemoration of our VIP night, Karl bought me the cd. YEAH!!

It was a slow walk out of the park after that. Our last night always is, it is so hard to leave. But leave we must. We did allow the kids one more swimming excursion after we got back to the resort and then we all crashed. The next morning we packed the suitcases and loaded the car and then drove off, with a few tears, away from the resort and off to a few last hours at Magic Kingdom. The crowds were non existent. It was stunning. One cast member told us that it was the smallest crowd day yet recorded in 2010. We loved it. We walked on everything we wanted and it was a nice way to put an end to our trip. We thought that we had scheduled things well but as we went to leave the park and head back to the parking lot the monorail broke down so we had to wait for the ferry and so we had a bit of a rush. But we got to the airport in plenty of time and even had time to eat before the flight. Grandpa picked us up at the airport and everyone was much relieved that it was Grandpa and not Grandma. (Grandma tends to not handle manuevering around the airport very well and it is rather stressful for all involved.) Seviah got car sick on the way home and we had to make a couple of roadside pit stops. We got home to find that the dogs had run away. We searched for a long time but finally had to sleep. At about 4:30 they came straggling back and so life was good and we were complete as a family.

Reality hit hard today and we were plunged immediately into life again but I am still at peace. I did get another sweet afternoon at The Winery with good friends. But it was bittersweet as we must tell Mary Lou goodbye. But life goes on. Kodren is going to be a great football player. Michayla and I are going to learn Russian and Michayla is going to be a Disney intern in January and Malachi is going to head back to classes where all the girls will swoon over him again, while he is totally oblivious. Karl is going to learn the Maya animation program and wow us all with his new abilities. And Seviah is going to carry her new stuffed Steamboat Willie Mickey Mouse all over the entire world until he falls apart. Yep, life is hectic and crazy, but still mighty fine! I am home.

Still in Orlando

Only tonight and one more night here in Florida and then we must return to the real world. I don't wanna! I really do love the humidity, despite my incredibly scary hair and the laid back, Southern attitude and Disney, I just love Disney.

The last couple of days have been good. Yesterday was especially fun. We split up and had a boys' day and a girls' day. This meant that we girls could move at a snail's pace and do some shopping and we could also see some princes and princesses, which we did. We had an especially good time in the line, waiting to meet Princess Tiana and Prince Naveen. Seviah's favorite princess is Cinderella, so we saw she and Belle (my favorite princess) and Princess Aurora first, but then we really needed to see Tiana, as this is Michayla's favorite princess. We were the last family in line before they closed it off and we were so happy. But that meant a 45 minute wait, in the heat. Just a side note on the heat. It does not bother me, but some members of my family are really affected by it. I actually love it, well...except for what it does to my hair. Anyway, as we stood thing this line, we were drawn to the adorable little girls who were in the family just ahead of us. They were obviously adopted as the parents were both blond and so were the two teenaged boys, but the two little girls were African-American. One of the boys turned around and had a Utah Utes shirt on and that gave me an opening and I went for it and congratulated him on NOT wearing a BYU shirt. That got the ball rolling and we were instant friends! We learned that this family is LDS and moved to Florida a year ago from Utah. They are loving Florida, although it has been eye opening for them to be in the mission field. Making new friends is the best way to pass time and before we knew it we had made it to the front of the line and our new friends were ready to meet Tiana and Naveen. That is when the older of their two little girls, Hailey, totally freaked out. She did not cry, but she would have nothing to do with the princess or the prince, especially the prince. He kept trying to get her to come to him and finally, opened his arms and said, "Give me a kiss." There is no way to describe the unearthly scream that issued forth from the throat of our little friend. But it scared the crap out of poor Naveen and sent me into peals of loud laughter...again with my laughter problem. That was enough for our new friends, the parents of little Hailey were mortified and they gave us quick hugs and scurried away. So, when Seviah approached the two characters with her arms outstretched, ready to embrace them, Tiana quipped, "She is not screaming or running or drooling or crying, I like her!" This made Seviah's day, she told the story of this to whoever would listen for the rest of the day. Of course, we had photos taken with Michayla and myself as well, since we were there...Good times!

We also met a number of new interns who have all been on their jobs now for about a week. They are all so excited and love talking to Michayla about what is happening to them. It is making her all the more hungry for the opportunity. Please, anyone who might happen to read this, please pray for her. She really needs this.

We met up with the boys at EPCOT to watch the Illuminations show, in the rain. Yes, we have seen a great deal of rain on this trip. But I don't even mind that! After the show, we did our usual stroll around the Japan pavilion waiting for the crowds to funnel out so that we could meander towards the front and watch the bridge go up and down to allow the fire barge through. We got to the bridge just prior to it lifting and struck up a conversation with the man in charge of the show. He was awesome and answered all the boys pyromaniac questions. We now know all the lowdown on the EPCOT fireworks! Then he invited us to be VIP's at Monday night's show. WOOT! So, tomorrow night (well, later tonight...) we get to sit on the boat at the dock at Mexico and watch them do the show and watch them coordinate it all with the computer board and feel the fire up close and all that good stuff. The boys are beside themselves with excitement and Karl is pretty stoked himself.

We spent today at the Animal Kingdom. Well...we got a late start, we really slept in, but that was okay. We did not get to the park until about noon. But we got to see everything we really set out to see. We saw a ton of animals on the safari and even though Everest broke down twice during the day, we finally got on. I got to do the Primeval Whirl and we got to see the fabulous Nemo show done so magically with puppets. Since it was Sunday, we mostly just walked and talked together and that was perfect. We came back early and did some swimming and I am now catching up the laundry while the others sleep.

I have a total of 9 very painful blisters on my feet and my hair gets bigger every day but I have loved this vacation. I thought I would miss being at the Old Key West resort, and part of me does, but I do love this new resort as well and I am glad that we got to experience it. I pray that when we return in January it is to visit Michayla in her new environs. Now...I am going to go back out onto the deck with a bottle of Irn-Bru and soak up some more humidity...more tomorrow...or the next day!

Another Disney Day

I got up at 6:30 again. This time I just chose to run, rather than trying the fitness center. Too intimidating! It was a glorious morning. It was already quite warm and the humidity was the highest I had felt, this trip. I loved it! I came back at about 7:30 and nobody was awake. So I soaked in the jacuzzi tub for awhile. Got out and still nobody was up. I loaded the dishwasher, transferred some funds and paid some bills online. Still nobody was up. I read and straightened up the apartment and did my hair. Still nobody was up. Finally, it was time for me to go and meet with the realtor again. I forced the others out of bed and I forced Michayla to go with me to meet with Heike. I got the giggles, AGAIN, on the way to the first property. Michayla and I pulled up to a busy intersection (the Crossroads area, if you know Orlando at all) and there were firemen there passing the boot for their yearly fund raiser. Michayla wanted to contribute so she dug around in her purse until she found a five and then fumbled with the window and waved like mad to get the fireman's attention. He was just approaching the car when the light turned green. I was at the front of a long line of cars and had to go. She panicked. She just started throwing money out the window. She threw 2 fives and some ones. The poor fireman was out in the street, trying to gather up this money. She turned to me with this stricken look and blurted out, "I probably just killed a fireman." I was laughing so hard, I could hardly drive and I almost pulled over. Finally, I gathered myself and simmered down to a mere chuckle and could function again. But I was exhausted all over again. I am beginning to think that I laugh with far too much of my body. Everything gets in the act and it just wears me out. I think that I will probably, even likely, die laughing.

We arrived at the first property and I promptly fell in love with it. I called Karl and told him that he had to come and see it. I forced he and the kids to leave the Hollywood Studios Park and come to the parking area for me to pick them up. I left Michayla with Heike to see the next house and went and got the others. I got only slightly lost trying to maneuver the Studios parking lot, but we finally found each other. Karl was not as excited as me about this property. But he is very open to discussion, so we will continue to talk. So many things to consider in this decision.

We finally got back to the Studios and had a lovely time, despite really high crowd numbers. My favorite attraction, "Prince Caspian, Journey to Narnia". We had never taken the time to see this one before, it is so tucked away and seemed rather dull. But...oh my...it was grand, to me. The others thought it was merely "blah" and one young lady in our group stated that it was "stupid". But for me, it was glorious. They did a nice job of both showing how they produced the movie and its effects and then giving a summary of the movie with a short film set in a reproduced set of Aslan's temple area. It just touched me. We were at the back of the crowd, so the room had nearly emptied when I realized what was sitting at the head of the room. The broken altar was there. Tears immediately welled up. I couldn't help it, these books mean so much to me. I stood for a moment and touched the altar and gathered myself and the cast member and my family were very sweet and understanding. It was the best part of my day. Even makes me kind of grateful for the crowds who caused us to try this attraction.

We ended our day with the Tower of Terror and Rock N Roller Coaster, so the boys were content. I loved Tower of Terror, as usual, but I am getting too old for Rock N Roller Coaster. It kills my head and neck. Karl and the younger ones headed back to the apartment via bus and Michayla and I got the car and stopped at Walgreens for a few items and then headed back as well. Michayla gave me a terrible case of the giggles again because she had to go to the bathroom so badly but she refused to use the public ones at a Walgreen's store. So she was in agony by the time we got back to the room. I seriously thought she was not going to make it up to the fourth floor. Then I was laughing so hard that I seriously that I was not going to make it either. Both of us cut it close.

I have a laughing issue. I snort, I bray, I am far too loud, I laugh with too much of my body, I regularly embarrass my kids and my husband, I even come close to peeing my pants, nobody in my family will come anywhere near me in the store when I am reading greeting cards. But there are worse things....

Orlando Continued

I got up early and went and worked out yesterday. I will not use the fitness center again, too many very attractive, thin people. I felt totally stupid. So, I will just jog for my workout for the remainder of the trip! But I still felt good that I got up and worked out!

Yesterday was a day at EPCOT. The crowds are still up in volume so it was not great, but still good, always good to be at DisneyWorld! We were in a wandering mood, so we just meandered and did not stress about hitting any of the rides. We did hit Captain EO, first thing. Karl and I did not remember much about it from the 80's, except that we remember being disappointed in the song. Nothing has changed, the dancing and 3D effects are still great, but the song itself is weak. I was not terribly bothered by Michael Jackson's death, at the time that it occurred, but watching the film yesterday really did get to me. What a waste.

After EO, we just wandered around, since we did not have our lunch reservation at Tutto Italia until 2:00. We did go to Club Cool, where we drank way too much sugary pop and ended up with tummy aches and that caused us to move even more slowly, especially poor Malachi. We headed over to Canada so that I could see Off Kilter and drool over men in kilts, which is my favorite part of EPCOT, but the first show was not until 2:30. And I never made it back, so....will be hitting Canada again later this trip! We spent a lot of time in the Great Britain pavilion because I love the shops there and it is always peaceful back in the garden area, and we were ready to sit out the crowds for a moment. I did slip in and purchase some shortbread squares for every one to eat, to offset the sloshing of the pop. ANY excuse for shortbread!!

We wandered so slowly that we nearly missed our lunch reservation, but we made it just in time and had a FABULOUS lunch! We all tried something different and everybody loved their meals. Mine was spinach gnocchi in a creamy parmesan sauce...it was DIVINE!!

After lunch we just wandered some more. Ended up back in the front where we used our fast passes for "Soaring". I still do not love that ride because of the fear of heights thing, but I don't hate it either. Then we went and sat and watched fish in the Living Seas area until we all realized that we were sooooo tired. A ride on Mission to Mars and Spaceship Earth was all we had in us so we did those two things and then came back to the room without seeing the fireworks, we were just too tired.

We rented "Escape To Witch Mountain" (the new one) and decorated family t-shirts with fabric paints after we ate here in the room. It was a good night. Then we crashed.

I did wear my pink tiara today. I got a lot of "Hey Princess" comments and smiles from the cast members. And, to end our day, we got on the bus to return to the resort and the bus driver smiled and said, "Hello beautiful princess!" I smiled and thought nothing of it, but after the bus was full and we were about to pull away, he made an announcement that everyone on the "coach" had to be on their best behavior because this coach was carrying a royal princess. And yes, I had to stand and curtsy, again. It was delightful. I did turn red, but I loved it!

Oh, one uber funny story from the day...When we were at Guest Services Will Call, picking up our annual passes, Karl was chatting with the older man who was serving us. This gentleman was commenting on the names of our children and how unusual and lovely these names are and asked where the names originated. Karl was explaining (in that Egbert manner of explaining...with WAY too much detail, just like his father) how Kodren and Seviah came from ancestors while the two of them were also working through the details of getting the passes issued. The cast member asked for Seviah's birthdate. Because of his train of thought, Karl assumed that the man was asking for the birthdate of the great grandmother that Seviah was named for. He looked at me in a panic, since I am the genealogist of the family. I did not know what was the matter until he started to try and give the man an approximate date for Great Grandmother Seviah's birth. Then I just lost it. So did the guy behind the glass. Karl looked at me and said, "Oh no, I am my dad." I had to walk away because I hit the snorting point very quickly, I was laughing so hard. I am laughing as I try to type this. Karl was so chagrinned that I had to gather myself and come and work with the cast member to finish our passes. It was so hard. I managed and as soon as I had them in hand, I had to remove myself again so that I could just laugh and guffaw and bray like a donkey. Perhaps that was why I was so tired, so quickly at EPCOT....hmmmm....

Disney trip-Day One-ish

We are in Orlando, for real now! We were here on Monday, but could not check into the Disney resort until Tuesday, which means that we were really here on Tuesday.

I did write a new poem, which can be found at Allpoetry.com, this helped me get through the jet lag that kept me away from 3 to 5 AM Tuesday morning.

We are at Saratoga Springs for this trip and it is beautiful. We checked in an immediately made a friend, Jill. She was awesome! We got checked in and headed for the room and then met our agent down here to go see some properties that we may purchase. We met her in the lobby and while we were talking, our friend Jill and another cast member, came strolling over and then made a huge announcement to the entire lobby and deemed me the queen of the day and crowned me with a pink Disney tiara and a Mickey sticker sash. It was delightful and I stood up and made a huge curtsy. We did not get into a park at all yet, but I do intend to wear my tiara today!

We saw some uber exciting property options and look forward to making an investment here, at some point. I love Heike, our agent, and not the least of this is due to her delightful, German accent. There was rain all day, so looking at properties was a great way to spend the day.

We then made our grocery run to stock the apartment with food and then decided we just needed (not wanted) to swim. So we donned our suits and headed to the pool. We had a wonderful walk along the waterway. I love Florida and the humidity. I know this is nuts, but I do. We had fun in the pool, I even beat Malachi in some strength games! But I will not be able to do this for long!

Now...I am off to EPCOT!! More later!!!!!!!

Captivity

Another very incredible week has gone by in my life. I love my life. I hate my life. I would not have it any other way.

Because of letters from missionaries and long car trips taken with friends this week and great discussions with friends, both those in my family and those who are "family that I choose", I have been thinking about friends tonight as I contemplated writing and also in my scripture study this evening. The idea has been presented, a number of times this week, about the captivity that can come from having people in our lives. This is true. Everyone that we take into our lives is a cost and takes a toll. BUT...I have also been doing ALOT of accounting this week and tonight, I am open to believing that friends, true friends, are just like accounting. In accounting, you must ACCOUNT. You must have the double, mirror entry that balances everything out. And there is no way around it. You cannot hide it or fudge it, the balance must be there. I am beginning to see that we must find this with our relationships. We must find balance, we may be giving too much and not receiving the proper mirror entry that credits our debits and this will cripple us. Finding this balance is not easy. In fact, after tonight's scripture study I do not believe that it is possible without the spirit.

Only God can bring us into balance, especially where these relationships and connections are concerned. God addresses friends a great deal, especially in the Old Testament. He obviously deems it important that we be the "rich man who hath many friends" and have true friends who"sticketh closer than a brother". But we must also be that kind of friend. We must "sharpen the countenance of our friends" by giving honest and real love. But, the most striking thing of all...we can be like Job...if we are feeling as though we are in captivity, we can pray for our friends and then the Lord will "turn our captivity" and we will find freedom. So, tonight as I look at the, rather lengthy, list of friends that I have the opportunity to pray for, I am grateful. I sense that the balance is very nearly available for me to no longer feel captive, but to be free and light and buoyant as I love and am loved in return.

That being said, the Lord is also making it clear that there are those in my life who are debiting far too much, at this time, and are not crediting and I cannot survive the lack of balance with them. I must find a way to free myself from some friends. At least for a time. My balance sheet is not in balance, right now. But the Lord wants it to be, and so do I.

Wish me luck.

Random ahead...

So, Michayla and I saw the last production of our season at the Colorado Shakespeare Festival last night. Measure For Measure. I had forgotten how uncomfortable this play can make me. Perhaps, this is why it is called a problem play!! The Bard throws up a whole bunch of mirrors to humanity with this one and that can be quite painful. I did not enjoy this production as much as I did the rest of this season's offerings. First of all, I missed the outdoor theater. And the very large man sitting next to me in the first act was only part of the reason. Also, I did not feel that this cast had the strength that the other casts had and some of the casting really did not work for me. Also, they set this production in a modern time, but I could not tell you just when that time was and that drove me crazy. I mean, there were zoot suits on some men and regular suits on others and the women all looked to be from the 70's. It was jarring to me. Part of me is sorry that I left my family for the evening to see this particular show.

Hands down, my favorite of this year's offerings was King Lear. Although Our Town took a close second. I had thought that having Lear set in the Wild West would bother me, but after an initial growl, I stopped even noticing. The man who played Lear did so very well. His madness was real but not so flamboyant as to become a caricature. To me, some of the most beautiful words Shakespeare ever wrote come from King Lear. And I would only hesitate for a moment if someone challenged me to make a case for this play being William's greatest work. I am intrigued at the choice to show King Lear and Measure For Measure in the same year, as I think that one of the greatest themes of Lear is that idea of measure for measure...what goes around, comes around. Also, both shows carry the theme of the price that the innocent so often pay due to the actions of those around them who are prideful and selfish. I have to say it...Damn! But that Shakespeare could write!

As I look forward to now taking 15 young people to depth in the works of Shakespeare for the upcoming school year, I feel much weight. I have seen, in the recent past, attempts at teaching Shakespeare to young people that caused them to hate this body of work and literature in general and I so desperately want to have my students come away with a love of these things. Above all else, I want them to come away with a love of words and great wordsmithing. I want them to feel the power that can be inherent in each word that we both speak and write. Let's face it, I am scared spitless. But I will keep preparing and continue to consider each scholar and their particular needs.

Words...words save me every, every day. I have found great sources for words of love, strength and power and those sources keep me afloat. God chooses His tools so carefully and He keeps them as sharp and as clean and as free from rust as those tools will submit themselves to being. I look at myself and all of my rough edges and I so long to be one of His clean, sharp and shiny tools. But for all of that longing, I am also lazy and wussy and I just need so. much. work. At times it is enough to make one want to just stay in bed. But...But...BUT....just when I am about to give in and climb back between the sheets...God sends me words. God uses one of His tools that is in better shape than I to inspire me and cause me to submit, yet again, to His grinding wheel. Ouch, what exquisite pain. May it never end. May He never give up on me. May those "tools" who must continually come to my aid never lose patience or at least never lose the ability to be in tune enough to be there for me. Someday, someday, I will pay it forward.

Seeing Our Town

As part of Michayla's birthday celebration, I took her to see Our Town last night up in Boulder. As an aside, I do find it a great deal of fun to see the entire lineup at the Colorado Shakespeare Festival. I love seeing the actors in such a variety of shows and characters. To see one woman move from Kate in Taming to Goneril in Lear to Mrs. Gibbs in Our Town is priceless.

But back to the show. It was a wild night. In the first act, a fellow patron passed out. He was one of the younger folks in the audience, not one I would have expected to have medical issues, but it was scary. The woman with him stood up to help him out and he just crumpled to the ground. He hit his head of course. If you have never been to the Mary Rippon outdoor theatre, the seats are tightly packed stone benches. He lay under a bench for some time waiting for the medical personnel while the dear man playing the Stage Manager kept going, like a trooper. Finally two techies came and helped him move to the back of the theater and then a few moments later, an ambulance crew showed up and removed him on a stretcher.

We then took the long pause between Act I and Act II. These pauses are critical, I think to giving this show the punch it needs. You need the sense of time passing. While I am on this subject, let me just address what it means to act in this show. I have played Emily, Mrs. Gibbs and Mrs. Webb at different stages of my life, in various productions. I love this play. It speaks to my soul. But it really is a nightmare to perform. I was explaining to Michayla on the way home how much additional rehearsal was required in order to work totally free of a set and props. This particular production had more of a set than I have ever seen and it kind of bothered me. I really do love it when it is just done with the two ladders and the board and the couple of stools. But as an actor, getting all of that mime down is tricky. Only one of the actors in the show last night slipped up on that, that I could see. I got the giggles with Michayla when I pointed out the discrepancy. Mrs. Webb's counter kept changing height levels. Aside from this, it was well executed.

In Act II, the heavens opened. Yes, we were in an outdoor theater. When the rain got serious, the called for a delay. I was praying so hard for it to at least let up so that we could see the end. All of the people that I was with had not seen the show and I was devastated at the thought of having it end in the middle. This show has such power and I dearly wanted, especially Michayla, to hear those closing lines. Luckily, my prayers, or something, worked. We were able to settle in and watch it through to the end, with only light sprinkles. Because of the rain delay, they chose not to take the long pause between Acts II and III. But I think the message got across just fine anyway.

This show, and the words of Mr. Wilder, are powerful reminders of just how aware we need to be of every moment that passes. We must open our eyes and see all that is ours and have intense gratitude for all that we have and love more deeply and repent more readily.

See this show if you ever have the chance. Do not see the Hollywood movie version. It is an affront to Mr. Wilder's purpose. They change the ending and it loses its impact. See it live, that is the only way to go!

A process of emotions...in the end, God can prevail.

It is 5 AM. I cannot sleep. I am thinking I better get some stuff written down or I might hurt myself. I wish there were a way to do a scientific experiment to see just how many emotions one could experience and not have a breakdown....I would be a good case study for this right now.

Emotion #1 - Anguish. There are some that I love with all of my heart who are in pain. This causes me pain. I have written in previous posts about how I sometimes rail against these connections and this very pain. I am not railing against these connections now, even with the hurt. I am glad to be "members in particular in the body of Christ" with so many wondrous souls. In all of this hurt, I realized a new truth last night. As I listened to the devastated weeping of one that I love last night, I started to say that I wished that I could take away the pain. But I stopped as I realized that this was not the case. In this instance, where repentance is needed, I do not yet want the pain removed. The pain is a good thing, here. It is a driving force. Driving someone I love to their knees and, ultimately, into the arms of the Savior. And that is the only real way to remove the pain. I cannot remove it from them and to have such frivolous words fall from my lips does not bring comfort. So, I will hurt along with them, but I will not try to "make it all better". That is an epitome of pride, trying to do what only the Savior can do.

Emotion #2 - Anger. In Proverbs 22:24 we are warned not to have a friendship with an angry man. I guess that means that I should have few friends right now. Because I am an angry elf. This is likely the most poisonous of my current emotions and so why do I have such a difficult time letting anger go. Why do I have this perverse enjoyment or pleasure out of the anger that causes me to hang on to it? I guess that this is proof positive that Satan knows me. He fans the flames of anger and I allow him to do so. In the verse following 24 it speaks of anger as a snare to thy soul. This is an interesting word, "snare". We are indeed trapped when we give into anger. It becomes a loop. It also grows and completely nets us. I am angry because I feel that there are people I love who have not been honest with me and I am angry over decisions made by those who have authority over me that have affected me. And when I stay awake, in the dark, wee hours of the morning, that anger becomes overpowering and I cannot see any light. And before I know it, I am angry with everyone and everything around me, even God and I find myself immersed in the idea of being a victim. And then, yes, I am ensnared. And. It. Takes. So. Much. Work. To. Throw. Off. The. Net. Of. Anger. Which then leads to another emotion....

Emotion #3 - Exhaustion. Well, not exactly an emotion, but a state that does affect me. But this is the beginning of being saved from the darkness. Not at first. At first, the exhaustion is overwhelming and there is a sense that I will never be able to overcome and I will never see light again. There is a sense that I can trust nobody and that nobody understands and that I am all alone. When I hit this point and I am sinking fast, there is a choice. I have made the incorrect choice plenty of times, but this night, I chose the correct choice. I opened the scriptures, in particular, Isaiah. There are more scriptures about exhaustion and weariness and rest in Isaiah than in any other book of scripture. Test it, try it, you will see. I opened up Isaiah. I flipped through the scriptures I have marked in that book and I stumble upon 47: 13, "Thou are wearied in the multitude of thy counsels..." So true! I am where I am because I chose to be here. I chose to love and counsel and be connected with a large number of people. I. Chose. This. And I can embrace these connections or I can just be angry and therefore, perpectually exhausted. And if I do choose to embrace these connections then I better stop feeling sorry for myself and practice with I preach and be in "the body of Christ" and lean on those I can trust (for they are there, despite what my dark anger tries to tell me) and especiallylean on Him.

Emotion #4. Weariness. They may sound the same, but weariness is very different from exhaustion. Weariness involves God. Weariness has an element of humility that opens the door for other opportunities and other, positive emotions. Weariness opens up the door for rest. Again in Isaiah, "The whole earth is at rest, and is quiet: they break forth into singing." At this point in the process, it is time for prayer. I am now humble and pliable enough to offer the true feelings that I need to offer and to hear what I need to hear.

Emotion #5. Chagrin and/or Sorrow. Now is the time when I have to admit to God my stupidity. I must tell him how dumb I am. I must tell him that I just spent a sleepless night, wrestling with the darkness and that I chose to do it alone and not involve Him. I have to hear that heavy sigh from the Lord as He, YET AGAIN, as to remind me that...if I had only involved Him from the beginning that we all might have known some rest through the long night. I, YET AGAIN, have to say. "I know, you told me so. I am sorry. But I am here now." And then I lay it at His feet...well...then I have a bit of a tug of war, or a wrestling match as I attempt to let go of a few things that, in my pride, I am willing to let go of, at this time.

Emotion #6. Gratitude. I still have pride. There is still anger, smoldering, that will ignite again. But it is just smoldering, it is no longer consuming. So, now I can see how blessed I am and how much I have been given. I can see how empowered I am in the gifts and talents I have been offered. I can see as well the responsibility that is mine because of those gifts and talents and I can even have gratitude for this responsibility. So now, I say thanks to Him.

Emotion #7. Peace. Now, now that it is no longer available to me, because it is morning. Now I think I could sleep. Now I am feeling a bit of the peacemaker that I need to be. I am feeling the wisdom that James speaks of in James 3:17-18. The wisdom from above that is full of mercy and good fruit, without hypocrisy. Now the tears of cleansing come. Now I can see where I can be most effective in the lives of those I love. Now I can love again, even. Now I can laugh, at myself, for the idiocy of this entire process, knowing full well that it will happen again, likely before the day is out...

Moods

Tonight I am in one of "those" moods. I just want to never leave my home or even this chair. I just want to read here for the rest of my life and never have to deal with so many big issues again. I want to escape. I wonder how long I could really last if I attempted this as a lifestyle? Would it really make things easier? What would God say?

Connections...continued...

I had a great day. I got to "talk" to a number of people who mean so much to me. In these discussions, I got challenged a bit and that was the great part. Yesterday, I wrote about needing to understand the correct balance to know how much I give to the people that I love without paying too big a price. Today I understand. I must remember that there are so many people in my life who do ask for my help but in helping them I gain as much as I give. So, I can maintain the best balance by using the spirit to best understand who God would have me help, because when I am helping those who God has guided me to, then I will certain to be balanced. WHEW!! Thanks to Karena and Corina and Darleen and Brian and Tam and Shane and Hailey and Linda and Michayla and Malachi and Kodren and Seviah...and even Frick and Frack...Sometimes it is stunning how blessed I am!!

I also discovered a sweet poetry site and submitted my first poem. A haiku. Most people seem not to care for haiku, but I think it is rapidly becoming one of my favorite venues. Using so few words causes one to really make the most of each word and that is a terrific brain exercise. My profile address is: www.allpoetry.com/Bookbabe in case anyone is interested. If you should happen to join up then please let me know your site name and I will read what you submit. I love reading other people's poetry.

Another night at home, me and the girls and the boys are spending the night down at the warehouse. It is great that the business is doing so well, but kind of a bummer that Karl feels the need to sleep away to stay ahead of the game. Malachi and Kodren have had a good time finding adventures out behind the warehouse. They are such great boys. I know that they (we) get teased at our lack of video or computer games, but I do love watching the very real adventures that my boys find, every day of their lives. Nowk, the girls and I are watching spooky shows. This likely means that I will not be sleeping alone tonight. But I am in an uber study mode so I would likely not sleep anyway...too much to read and study to waste on sleeping!

Still thinking of connections...

...so...how much should I give to those I love? Everyone and everything that I love involves a cost. I need to find a way to balance better those costs and not wear myself out giving too much or paying too big a price to someone who does not need me as much as another one that I love. I am going to take this to study to see if I can figure out how to bring the correct balance to my life.

Fair and so many other thoughts...

Fair 2010 is a thing of the past. And what a year. Five new belt buckles found a home here at the Egbert house, including Kodren's first buckle ever. Malachi was the shocker. My shy little boy has suddenly become a quiet, but confident, young man. Yes, there were tears when he won two grand championships in showmanship. All of the buckles this year came from showmanship. So, this year, it was the kids who made the grade and not the animals. I am okay with that. In fact, I am so proud that I could burst. It was a difficult year. Telling this program goodbye is proving very difficult for Michayla. I wish that she were less prone to cling to the past and were more willing to throw herself out to the future and new possibilities. She is so much her daddy's girl. But I do love the fair and the 4H program. I so love the people that we get to associate with here. There are so many great folks that we would never have met if our friends, and neighbors, the Bowsers had not talked us into that first pig and chicken. I am indebted to them, forever.



Part of the Thomas Jefferson Education is what is termed "georgics". This term has a variety of meanings, but it essentially means, for education purposes, working the land in some form, taking ownership of land and stock. I have come to have a real testimony of the importance of georgics. I have seen how such ownership has given my children such a rich sense of true responsibility. I wish that more young people today could have a similar experience. I do not think that every child should raise a farm animal, but every child should have some true ownership in something that matters. I just do not know how to make this happen in the world.



In addition to the livestock, this year, we all entered other projects into the fair, in the open class divisions. It is now a proven fact that Karl is in a class by himself. He entered the four cartoons that he drew for the kids as Christmas gifts. There was not an art class that really fit his work so they made one. If he is feeling up and you ask him about this, he will tell you that he won first place, if he is not so optimistic in his outlook, he will tell you that he came in dead last. Malachi came in second and third with his pencil sketches of outdoor life. Michayla and I both came in fourth, she in photography and me in counted cross stitch. But Kodren did well. He took reserve grand champion with this "Winter Aspen" photo. I am glad since this is truly a passion for him.



Radishes were our other entry. There were two radish participants, and we came in fourth. Now that is a feat! There is such a great story behind the radishes. Last year, another livestock dad, who is very funny and full of life pulled a hilarious stunt. He wandered into the extension office and was looking around and asking questions about the entries. The woman inside told him that it was not too late to provide an entry. So, he walked outside and went to the back of the building where the remnants of an earlier plant sale had been tossed. He pulled out a half alive pansy and took it in and submitted it, without anyone noticing. He came back down to the barn laughing and he and Karl were soon rolling at this prank. They kept sending me up to the building to see what the results were. Finally, the judging was done and the judge saw me studying the entrants. When I came to Brian's entry, she came over and whispered, "I am pretty sure that this one was entered by a special needs person. I gave them a participant ribbon and wrote them a letter with pointers for trying again next year." It took EVERY bit of my acting ability not to burst in to gales of laughter when she said that about the special needs person. I managed to keep a straight face long enough to finish a discussion with her (I knew the judge from my time in master gardener training) and to saunter out of the building. Once outside, I promptly lost it and had to stop at the bathroom on my way back to the barn because I was laughing hard enough for an accident. When I got back to the barn and told Karl and Brian the story we all laughed so hard we were crying. That is when Brian decided that we should all grow something for real and submit it in 2010. We decided on radishes. So, that is what we did. Through a series of mishaps, our radishes did not get shown in their best light. Brian brought a beautiful, huge horseradish and some tomatoes as well as extra radishes. He gave the extra radishes to another livestock dad who submitted him in his name and he ended up winning, with Brian's radishes! So, in the end, we came in fourth behind two bunches of Brian's radishes and a horseradish. Good times!



Sunday was the fun day at fair as usual...well..after the anguish. Sunday morning is that awful time when the kids have to put their animals on the truck and say that last goodbye. After that, it is time for clean up and cowboy church. Pastor Ed gave a beautiful sermon this year that really touched my heart. He based it on Proverbs 18:21. It speaks of death and life both coming from the fruits of the tongue. He challenged us to use words of affirmation when we speak to ourselves and in our prayers. He gave me much to think about and I came away grateful, as always for his friendship and example. After cleanup and a sermon we hit the fun. It began with catch a calf contest. Malachi and Kodren both entered, Kodren caught one. Then we had the kiddie rodeo and then the mutton bustin' and then the older kids rode some wild heifers and we had few injuries this year so it was all good. Then it was time for the greased pig contest. I love watching those little kids chase the piglets. It was adorable. Seviah is still too girly to get in there, like Michayla once did and catch that messy thing. This year we had a new event. We had a full grown greased pig contest with the adults, in teams of two. It was intense, to say the least. They nearly killed that 260 pound hog and got so filthy. And the pig was not the only thing dirty. Those guys pulled out all of the stops. There was biting and licking and throwing and everything in between as they fought to get their hands on that stupid pig. It was a great way to finish everything off. Then there were the hugs and tears and goodbyes, until next year!



Just a few more things...you see...my fair experience was slightly different from the rest of the family...they stay up and camp out, I drive home each night. Thursday night was quiet, although I did not get home until late from being down, helping with the business. Friday, Seviah and I got up and headed to Fairplay and spent the day and watched the pig show and headed home afterwards. Seviah fell asleep immediately and missed the accident caused by stupid flatlanders that closed the road and caused us to not get home until after 10. Just before I got home, I felt the stirrings of a problem. The carnival food that I ate did not sit well, in fact, I was seriously in trouble. Then I got home, put Seviah to bed and dragged myself to bed, but not for long. The donkey started braying, and I do mean braying and he would not stop. This got the dogs riled up and I had to get them both stopped before neighbors got angry. So I walked out to the barn and as soon as I walked in he stopped and settled down. But as soon as I left, he started up again. So...I decided to stay in the barn and just run into the woods to throw up, as needed. Then the donkey started in again...but he would stop if I was talking. So, I finally got the books on philosophy that I have been studying and read them aloud in the barn to the donkey. It was an interesting evening to say the least. I think that both Barney and I learned a great deal! It took me some doing to get going that next morning but get going we did. Seviah and I fed everything and ate and went to fair. I learned that prayers do work. I did not think that I could physically make it through what I had to face on Saturday, but I did and few people knew how ill I had been and that I had had no sleep. Although I did tell a few good friends about my night, and one of them wants to come and get a photo of me reading philosophy with the donkey. And it was a good day. I headed home alone on Saturday night and actually got some sleep, the donkey only went off twice and so all was well. And while I had a small relapse of my illness on Sunday, I ended the fair well. As I was driving up and down and spending time alone with my thoughts I really had some powerful moments of gratitude and peace. Each time I passed the place where Kjersti died, I realized how much I have to be grateful for and how much I have learned over the past 4+ years. I am most blessed. I am sorry to the Lord that I have to be reminded of this so very often, but I do know this and I am indeed grateful. Thus ends Fair 2010.

Fair Eve

Here we are, the night before the kids and Karl head up to Fairplay for the county fair. This is such a bittersweet time for our family. It is so heartbreaking to put those animals in the trailer and see them drive away from our home. And yet, this is what we have worked all these months for, this moment. This opportunity to show off the animals and show off the kids' showmanship abilities and make some money at auction. This year is especially difficult. It is Michayla's final year of eligibilty. This has been her life for so long and she is struggling, mightily, to let go. I am praying hard tonight as there is a very real possibility that her hog will not make weight. It is a grand champion hog as far structure and build goes, many have said that throughout her project, but if she does not make weight, then there goes that opportunity. This coupled with the fact that her steers have not finished off well this year is going to make for a rough departure. I hope and pray that she can cling to last year's double grand champion fair and get through the next few days. I will post results in a few days.

Connections

These thoughts are kind of a continuation of the identity blog of a few days ago. I spend so much of my time and effort preaching about connections. Connections in what we read and study and connections with people. But just like with identities, connections can bring strength and comfort and also a great deal of pain. So, have I been steering people wrong?

As I pull in and look to myself and work to rely on me and few others, I feel the need to eliminate some connections. I find myself wishing, at this time, that I had not made so many connections. I learned of a woman today who will be possibly donating a kidney to the young daughter of some good friends. This woman is approximately my age and has never married nor had children and is feeling that offering her kidney will be her way to offer life to a child. For just a moment I felt a bit of jealousy for her. She is totally in control of her destiny and there is power in this. Is the grass just always greener on the other side??!!

I spent some time at a local cemetery today pondering these thoughts trying to move from some very dark moments in my family in order to return and bring light to those I love and found it very difficult to move myself to this light. My friend, Darleen, keeps telling me that this darker time is likely due my just being tired, even exhausted. I am truly hoping that she is correct. Now, I just have to find some moments to sleep! I guess I better stop writing for now and get some rest RIGHT NOW.

Identity

I am struggling tonight. In my struggles I am pondering our identities and what creates an identity for each of us. A large part of the my identity was removed from me today. The congregation where I attend church was merged with another congregation. I am feeling lost. I am no longer a teacher of youth at church, Malachi is no longer a president of his youth quorum, and Conifer Ward no longer exists. A number of people keep telling me that this is no big deal, but it is to me and I am sick and tired of people telling me how I should feel.

So...identity...I am sitting here pondering all the various things that make up how I see myself. I wear a large number of hats and do a large number of things. Is this good? I don't know right now. I have spent the last couple of weeks studying the Psalms and I am going to use the message of those beautiful words carry me through my current feeling of loss and disconnect. And what is that message? That message is that my most basic identity is a child of God and I must put my trust in Him and that is what I have to lean on and hold to in the end. I am grateful for this and for good people who love me, even when I am an emotional boob.

Friends, neighbors, food, baseball and 4H!

We had a very full day. I woke up early and spent time with my brother-in-law, Mark. We worked on the family website and I wrote the first blog entry for the site. It was a good morning. We went for a drive and had a good talk. I appreciate his time with us.

After breakfast, Mark left and it was time for the Egbert family tradition for Fourth of July. Yes, we shaved the pigs. And this was by far the best group of pigs that we have ever worked with. The barrow even layed down for us! Malachi did get hit hard on the head when Kodren's gilt climbed out of the pig holder and the entire thing flipped. But it was really not bad at all.

Then Terry and Aileen Smith and their daughter, Amy Todd and her baby, RYA came over! Yeah!! The neighbors who live below us also came up. Karl had to use the tractor during all of the morning activities due to the amazing rain storms that hit last night. Totally washed out our road and our neighbors, so Karl did some major moving of dirt. He wore his shorts and TOTALLY burned his knees while working on the tractor. He is sore tonight.

But we barbequed and at and hung out and told stories and it was great. Karl and Kodren had to leave at 5 for baseball and Michayla and Malachi left at 6 for the last 4H meeting of the year. Aileen and Amy and I logged into Amy's account and watched four episodes of season two of Glee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is killing all of my girls that I have not seen any episodes this season. But now I am catching up. I am sorely tempted to stay up all night and watch the rest, but I will sign off now and get some rest. See my FB wall for photos of Rya eating corn on the cob. It is priceless. Maybe I will post a couple more here tomorrow. I was laying on the floor, eating with her, and I took tons of photos!

The blog post that I wrote for the family site told the story of my father in law and a huge battle in the Korean War. It was a nice reminder of how grateful I need to be for my freedoms and my opportunites. I love this nation. I love my neighbors. I love my family. I love my friendss. I am unbelievably blessed.

Changes

I am old. I never thought that I would say this, but today, I do not like change. And the older I get, the more change keeps coming at me. Today I learned of a number of things in my life that are going to change, drastically. I once loved and embraced change and even facilitated it. I am not certain why I am struggling so with this latest set of new opportunities. I am hoping that I am just tired (three nights this week, I never went to bed, including last night) and that tomorrow I will be bouncing again and relishing what lies ahead.

Helped to host the goodbye open house for our great friends, the Arnolds, this afternoon. My kids are in such deep mourning, and so are Karl and I. They will be friends forever, I know this, and yet, not having them right there will be a killer. Sigh. Icky change. They are one of three families preparing to move out of our church family, and I am struggling to say goodbye to each of these brothers and sisters.

Taught the youth today about David's fall. I hate this story and I hate this lesson, but there is much of value to be learned from David's mistakes. It went well but I will be very glad to move onto dear Solomon and Job and Esther and so many other great friends in the Old Testament. I am so grateful for those scripture friends. Sometimes, especially at this time in my life, they are more real that most everyone else around me.

Saturday in the mountains

So...today I am seeing what my diet coordinator once told me would happen. Those around you might say that they support you in this change and in other positive changes that you make, but then they sabotage you behind the scenes. I am not certain if it is a conscious thing, but I saw that happen in my life today. Very frustrating.

However, I forged ahead and I did get my exercise in today. It was great! I road my longest ride today. I went alone, because by the time I finally got away, it was really hot. But I truly enjoyed myself. I found that one can do a great deal of praying and pondering on a bike! It was a nice discovery.

I love padded biking shorts and I hate teenagers.

Okay, I don't really hate teenagers. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love them. But I did get royally angry at a few of them today. I went for my bike ride this morning. Alone, this time. Had to try out the new padded shorts. I love them. Don't take the soreness away completely, but the shorts, coupled with my butt getting more adapted will soon make a big difference. While riding in my newest and most fashionable attire, a couple of teenage boys came up behind me, they were jogging. They had some things to say about my appearance. I chose not to reply, just kept my dignity and kept pedaling, totally ignoring them. Okay, that is not the entire truth. I was working my way up a good sized hill and there was really no breath for a reply. But they did not need to know that. Let them think that I was just not choosing to dignify their crap with a response. Just prior to seeing the boys, my dorky teenaged daughter came driving by on her way home from swim practice. She had to honk and startle me and make a few snide remarks of her own. Stupid teenagers.

As I was riding, I passed a dead and bloating Ebert squirrel on the side of the road. It just broke my heart. I wish that those stupid fox squirrels were not so wily. They almost never get hit, and my little blackies get hit all the time. Makes me crazy.

I am running on very little sleep. But I am very much okay with this. I spent the night in studying and pondering and prayer and came away very empowered. About 5 when I am sitting at the first All-Star game, it will likely hit me and I will want to curl up on the bleachers and sleep right there. But, since I snore, especially with these allergies, that would be unwise. I came away from this flurry of study with a LOT of gratitude for my closest friends and especially for my God and being raised in such a way that I have the beginnings of a knowledge and even a relationship with Him. I also came away from this with a deeper appreciation of the Plan, the Atonement, charity and repentance and forgiveness. I love the peace that comes after a night of wrestling with oneself. That moment when you finally find humility enough to tell the Lord what He has been waiting to hear and He embraces you is what makes life worth living.

Compare and contrast and a sorry behind...

H

Here are a few of the promised fishing shots. I figured out how to get things from my phone to this blog!! Yeah me!

Also, I have ridden my mountain bike two days in a row now. Yesterday with Malachi which meant that I had to push and get laughed at and get the tar beat out of me by my son. Dork!! But it also meant a good workout and a very sore rear end.

Today, I allowed Seviah to pick the exercise regime for the day. She also wanted to go biking. What a difference a day makes! This was nice for my sore posterior, but not such a good workout. I will have to supplement it later. As opposed to Malachi and his pushing me, Seviah was looking for a leisurely "stroll" on our bikes. With a seven year old princess, this means much more talking that gear shifting. It also means that you stop along the way to feed the "baby" (yes, a doll) and have a tea party snack in the forest and then MORE TALKING!

But, I loved both experiences and hope to repeat them again soon. So, I have now gone hiking and fishing and biking with Malachi and Seviah, but find that I have spent very little one on one time with the other two chitlins. So...tomorrow I let Kodren choose the exercise. Well, maybe not, the poor tyke is doing four hours a day at All-Stars baseball. Maybe I had better buck up and do my own exercise program tomorrow and just find some time for Kodren. I am totally scared to offer the exercise choice to Michayla. She will make me swim laps. I will die. Maybe, instead of exercising together she and I need a Coldstone break...hmmmm....

Hike with children

WOOT! My first glimpse of Indian Paintbrush this year. The other photos are of the view from the top of the mountain, a tree that was growing sideways, while its major branches grew straight up and totally fascinated Malachi, and my hiking companions.

Despite the numerous mosquitoes, we had a great time together. We gave up on the picnic idea, much to Seviah's chagrin, because if we stopped moving, the bugs became unbearable, especially for poor Malachi.

I do not mind "exercising" if it means being with my kids and so I will have to take this approach more often. Because I am struggling to see the purpose for exercising for exercise sake. Seems stupid and pointless and a waste of time. But if it means being with someone I love, I can get on board. In case you couldn't tell, I am in a mood, of late. Even more ornery where food is concerned. I just eat what I want, so there. Is it really suicide, if one eats oneself to death? Sounds like a perfect plan!

I do not know how to begin to blog

Here I am. I yell at my students constantly to write and to journal and to record. And I do not have a blasted thing to say here.

I did go fishing today with Malachi and Seviah. It was great! I mean, not the fishing part, Seviah lost interest in that pretty quickly, but the sitting on the rock by the river was fantastic. I will try to post one of the great photos that Seviah took. But no promises, this is hard!!