Relationships, Recess and Righting

This past week has truly been something so far beyond what I can even express. And yet, whether I can express it or not, I find the need to write. In the book that I am currently enjoying the main character says, "This is where I think the writing started. The 'righting,' if you will. The righting of circumstances, the shaping of the world the way it should have been..." What a beautiful description of why I write and journal and why I push journaling so hard with those I teach and those I love. When I "write," I can so often finally see what is "right".

In a training that I attended over the past three days, I presented a mini lecture on Community Stewardship. Because of circumstances, I had very little prep time so I turned to my old familiar standbys, the scriptures, life and a few tried and true philosophers. In that lecture I used the following quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great men have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the absolutely trustworthy was seated at their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being. And we are now men, and must accept in the highest mind the same transcendent destiny; and not minors and invalids in a protected corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution, but guides, redeemers and benefactors, obeying the Almighty effort and advancing on Chaos and the Dark." Now I have known and used this quote for years. But this time, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been doing all of this grouching about free will and the importance of that in my life and the conflict that I have been feeling because I want my free will, but I also want to know that God is there and that He is in control and that He is aware of me. Well...Mr. Emerson explains to me exactly what I need to do and be in this quote. The spirit let me know, in no uncertain terms, that this was the answer I was seeking. It is time for me to be childlike in my submission to God, which does not mean weakness, but means real strength that will allow me to indeed be a guide and a redeemer and a benefactor. First for myself and then my family and then others, as God sees fit to send them to me.

There was a process this week that brought me to the place where I am tonight (well, this morning). I wish that I had written Saturday night, because Sunday's circumstances today have eroded some of the power that I felt last night, but perhaps I need to write now, in order to make "right" the entire picture, even the negatives of today. Anyway, I had the opporunity for a huge variety of adventures over the course of this week. I lost my boys for a week to scout camp. I lost my girl for a indeterminate amount of time to Florida. I got to attend a large family dinner. I got to see Casey, a cousin, who is just one of the neatest young people I know and I got to talk too much (something that I just seem to do with him...but nobody else of course) and I got to have fun engaging in a fun cause with him and his employer and I even got to introduce him to some of my friends and students. Way cool! I got to spend Friday evening with my angel sister, Darleen. We got to eat terrific Vietnamese food and then walk around Evergreen, the town and the lake, on a gorgeous summer evening. Yes, this was a huge refill of my batteries.

At the end of this week, I had the opportunity to attend a training that would give me a foundation for moving into using math and science more openly and comfortably in my teaching opportunities. Some of you know that math scares me so I was already a bit apprehensive about this training. Then some dark forces went to work and I really had to battle to get my sorry, lazy butt to the training. I had alerted a few folks that I was giving serious consideration to not attending and they went to work on my and I dragged myself to the training. I am embarrassed to admit that I was not an ideal student for this dear woman who came to teach me. I was distracted and distracting often silly and uncooperative. On the final day of the seminar, the dark forces that I felt I was fighting were especially intense and the effort I had to put forth in that battle resulted in a really nasty migraine. But I went down the hill any way. I continued to be ornery and less than helpful in the class and I even took a number of the attendees and ditched out for part of the day to go and see Casey again. But the dear mentor who was teaching just kept working and doing her best (and her best is really something). The seminar ended and I was reminded that I had agreed to spend the evening going to dinner with Misty, our trainer and a few of the attendees. I was pretty certain, by this time, that the last person that Misty wanted around was me and I was still suffering mightily with the headache and I came to the decision to bag out of the evening's activities and head up the mountain. I went into the bathroom for one last time and I got a text alert concerning a comment to a status of mine on Facebook, from a beautiful woman that I once had the opportunity to teach about something that I offered to her in a dream that she had experienced the night before. This was a very old alert, I do not know why it did not come through when she first wrote the comment...or perhaps, I know exactly why it came through when it did. But those words from Kelli softened my heart, very quickly and with that softening, there was an immediate flooding of spirit letting me know that I needed to go with the group out to dinner. So...I argued...for a few minutes...and then I went.

Now dear Misty had every right to not like me and to avoid me and to write me off. She did not. She sat down by me and she engaged in a light and fun conversation that moved in a stunningly quick fashion to a conversation of depth. In the course of this conversation, she came to convey to me that she is another one of my long lost sisters. She understands, truly understands, many of my dilemmas and frustrations and insecurities. And she offered materials and support to bring me comfort and strength and aid. And she offered me something that nobody else has offered me, she offered me time. She gave me permission to take the time that I need to heal and to grow in power and in strength and confidence so that I can truly reach the point where I can be bold and make real change. She let me know that she understands that I am not yet ready to do all of the things that I know I need to do. BUT!!! She affirmed to me that I will be able to do the things that need doing.

Her words, her touch, her looking me in the eye and testifying. Well...it was stunning. I am still trying to process it all. Writing this helped in righting this all in my head. Now, I should sleep and continue to work this all out. I am sure that will likely hear from me again soon. I am finding more and more each day that I must, indeed, write to see right.

A different kind of grief

I have known a lot of loss and have grieved a number of times in my life when those I care for have passed away. Now I am experiencing a different kind of grieving and I am finding this very painful and difficult. In the past little bit of time, I have seen the loss of a couple of very close friendships that I thought would be mine forever. And it is killing me. When one is grieving a death, you are not alone and you lean on people and cling to one another. But when a friendship leaves your life, you must stand back and watch as everyone else continues their relationships with the one that you have lost and so you are truly alone, nobody to lean on. I am also coming to realize that these friendships probably meant more to me than the other party and that makes one feel silly and needy and rather pathetic.

Interestingly enough, another close friend predicted these losses, so one would think that I would be prepared. However, I really did not believe that such losses would truly occur. I pooh-poohed the idea that friends that I cared for, to this degree, could easily walk away. Silly me! It is only the past 5 years of my life, because of tragedy and loss, that I have opened myself up to close friendships outside of my family. It has been a liberating and exciting journey, creating these friendships. But now I am also seeing the pain side of this equation, and I do not like it.

I am sure that I will learn things from all of this, I always do learn. But for now, I am being grumpy because I am hurting.

Humility is pride in God.

The quotation that comprises the title of this post comes from the Irish statesman, Austin O'Malley. It hit me with great force today, as I came across it in my studies. I think he may have hit the nail on the head, but I am still pondering.

I am thinking, a great deal right now, about humility. We have all heard the joke that once you are aware of your humility, it is gone and this is so true. I am trying to figure out just how we gauge this quality. In a dialogue with a friend on this subject, he sent the following definition. "A quality by which a person considering his own defects has a humble opinion of himself and willingly submits himself to God and to others for God's sake." Whoa! Those of you who know me and my philosophy, especially concerning education, will see the mentoring aspect in this offering. And we know that Christ is the perfect mentor and also the perfect example of humility. But I was really struck by the latter part of that definition, "and willingly submits himself to God and to others for God's sake". There is a sense of charity in this statement. I have spent years teaching young people the mantra, "I am nothing, except through God and through Him, I am everything." But tonight I am thinking that this is mantra misses something. This is still about ME and not others. I have so many things that I have found in my studies of this today, but two things really distilled for me, because this entire line of study comes as a result of feeling the need for humility in order to engage best in the spiritual gifts that we have been given. Which means humility in order to serve.

The first of these two things is the scripture 1 Peter 5:5,"...Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble." (I also considered the NIV translation of this verse, but I chose to use the KJV because I prefer the word "resisteth" the proud, rather than "opposes" the proud.) Peter continues on about humility in the verses that follow, but this one really struck me. Our humility is real when we are so clothed in it that we use our gifts and talents reflexively for others. The most powerful ah-hah for me in realizing this was that charity is truly unique to each of us. Charity is the pure love of Christ and in our limited capacities here on earth, we can only offer the pure love of Christ through our own unique talents, gifts and missions.

The second thing that was profound for me today is along these same lines. It is a quote by William Temple, the Anglican bishop/scholar. He stated, "Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all." Double WHOA! Humility is reflexive. I have preached to those I mentor (most especially myself) for years about gaining a "charity reflex". An ability to react to the needs of those around us nearly immediately through the spirit of God and what He would have us do. Today, I came to see that this reflex is not available to those who are being prideful. AND HUMILITY IS LIBERATING!! "It means the freedom from thinking about yourself at all"!!! I have a lot of pondering, praying and considering to do about this yet, but this feels very right to me. It is not destructive or demeaning, true humility, it is empowering and strengthening. And it is, indeed, different for each of us, as we strive to discover the gifts that He has given us and magnify those gifts, as we are commanded by "being subject one to another".

Thoughts....???