Don't You Want Me?

I had a great time sitting with my friend Jenny at the baseball game today. I hate that I have some great friends that I only see during certain sport seasons. Jenny and I as well as my friend Jane and I have made a pact not to allow this to continue and we are going to make certain that we make time in our busy lives to spend a few moments together hiking or going to lunch.


A funny thing happened today as Jenny and I were visiting. We were in the middle of an intense conversation and suddenly Jenny's husband, Mike, (Who is also my friend and a great guy) got frustrated with a call from the umpire and said something to him. Now you need to understand that Mike is a stoic and quiet kinda guy and he is also the principal of the local high school and the umpire is one of the students at the school. So it was kind of a shock to have him say anything. The funny part is that Jenny and I both, in total unison, leaned back on the bleachers. I did not notice, but Jenny did and she started to laugh and pointed out our body language, our effort to distance ourselves from Mike. It was a cute moment as Mike rolled his eyes at us. But it got she and I thinking. This morning, Jenny had interviewed Michelle Dugger on her radio show (ChannelMom for anyone who is interested, you can find her on my FB, under my "likes". She does a great show). It was a good interview but Jenny felt that there were moments when she had to distance herself from Michelle's overt Christian language in order to make certain that all of her listeners were included and comfortable. Jenny and I talked about whether or not this is a problem. Jenny is a Christian herself but she understands the need to make certain that everyone feels included. She also takes great care not to get overtly political on her program. She has no choice where the program is concerned, but she and I both wondered if we do that too much in our every day lives. Do we tiptoe to carefully around people rather than expressing our true feelings? We are both strong women and have found ourselves in trouble, more than once in our lives, for expressing our opinion too boldly. But we do not want to be so careful that we negate ourselves or any opportunities to share our beliefs or the things that we have learned.


We decided that it is a fine line and we both need work in this area. It was a very good talk and Jenny helped me to put into conscious thought some things that had been pressing on my mind. I want to be a strong woman. But I do not want to be, in the words of my friend Jerry, "a cast-iron bitch"! I am also still struggling with my overwhelming need (right now) not to need anyone but myself. Jenny reminded me (as so many have this week) that I will become that cast-iron bitch if I do not allow others into my life. But there is danger in this, there is the real possibility of pain. This week, I found myself crippled by such pain and feeling so incredibly worthless that I was not functining. If I don't need people, this won't happen again. But that is more of that "distancing" that Jenny and I were discussing today. And distancing is dark. It is lonely. It is safer, but it is bleak. Sigh...I will cotinue to work on this, but I am thinking that I am going to have to want and need people, no matter how hard I try not to rely on anyone but me. Okay, rambling done. Time to rest. G'night all!

People Who Need People?

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is." -Jim Morrison

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu

Someone sent me these quotes today. I appreciate that they were trying to help. I am now trying to decide if I believe these quotes at all. Right now I don't think that I do. I have been reminded in the past couple of days that there can be danger in believing that one is loved and also in believing that one can love. We are human and I do not know that we are capable of really loving. I can see how badly I screw up attempting to love. I claim that I love deeply, but I just don't seem to get it right. Whether it be my appearance or the words I offer or even my presence, I seem to bumble about and just cause problems. I want to really offer love, but I mess it up every time and those around me pay such a price. As I was pondering my shortfalls today I wondered if Christ ever felt like this when he was on earth. I claim him as my savior and I tell others that struggle that he has felt their pain and confusion and frustration. So...does that apply to me? Did Jesus ever feel incredibly ugly and hopelessly clumsy? Did he ever have times when he questioned his every move and word that came out of his mouth? Did he feel a desperation about walking out the door of his home for fear of having to face others and possibly at worst, cause them pain and at best, be thought a fool? I simply cannot picture this when I think of him. I suppose that I am going to have to ask God about this and try to get a sense of whether or not I can find the humility to believe that Christ does indeed know about feeling ridiculous and insecure. Hmmmm...guess I better hit the books and my knees...again...

Tears For Fears

More reunion musings... Upon driving away from the reunion, Mom and I were both loath to leave the Valley. We went to my Uncle Jerry's and packed up and then decided to stop for dinner in the form of a fresh raspberry shake at the Red Baron Drive In. We took our shakes and drove up to Fairview to get a look at the old homestead and the old dry farm and finally the cemetery. As we finished up and finally had to head to Cokeville and were driving out of the Valley, I startled my mom by bursting into tears. She asked if she needed to drive and if I needed to pull over. I told her I just had to cry for a bit and talk it out and asked if she minded. In just a few seconds, she was in tears as well and we both had a good cry that was much needed. The tears were not all bad, there were good tears as well, but it had been a tough day for me. Mostly my tears were from fear. I am not a person who is often consumed by fear but I was at this moment. I am afraid that those tender kisses that had been offered by a few folks that day might be the last kisses I receive from them. I am afraid that some members of my family will soon have nothing more to do with me and are pulling away from me and from others and I love and need them. I am afraid that watching someone I have loved my whole life not know me is a precurser of things to come. I am afraid that I am not living up to an incredible heritage. I am so very afraid that I am a disappointment to those who have gone before, most notibly my dear great Grandma who taught me so much and my Lord. I am afraid of being the generation that must keep family legacies going strong. I am afraid of not being a little girl whose uncles and aunts and grandparents are always looking out for every day. And the good tears. I am happy that I come from such an incredibly beautiful place and such amazing people. I am happy that I am strong and have withstood so much because of my upbringing and was reassured in a blessing from my Uncle Jerry that I could withstand more and even conquer. I am happy that I have such fabulous children who are strong and level headed and always responsible in a world where responsibility is fast becoming a precious commodity. I am happy that I do know that there is a God and that I come close to believing that he loves me, even though I am so messed up. I am happy that I had that road trip with my mom and that we giggled and cried our way across Wyoming and had adventures and deepened our appreciation for one another. I am happy that she and I were able to be representatives for the Jack Harmon family. How heartbreaking it would have been if there were none from our family there. I am even happy that I have a bit of vocal talent, even though I am still gonna kill my mom for asking me to lead "Little Green Valley" and I am VERY happy that I forced her hand and Bev and Christine's hands so that they came up to help me lead that very emotional song to end this year's program. Yep, a fairly equal mix of happy and fear tears. All in all, I am glad I went. I am grateful for going home and the powerful restorative powers that are available to me in those little Wyoming towns. I am grateful to hear people talk right. I wish the rest of the world understood that a crick is where you swim on a hot day and that if one does not talk with a bit of a slow twaingy drawl, then one is letting the world and their words go by too fast. I am grateful for cousins and aunts and uncles that make me feel like I am not lost or ugly or silly (well not too silly) and that I have something to offer. I am grateful to love and be loved and as I write these words, there are tears again. I did not expect that, but I am even grateful for the tears. They let me know that I am feeling and that is what I want more than anything. I want to feel, fully and deeply, every day of my life. Tears and even the fears that they may represent make me real and I never want to stop being real. I love you all! Good night.

The First of Many Lessons That Must be Recorded

I have learned a number of lessons and gained some powerful insight over the past few weeks, with the opportunity to connect with family on both sides. I am so lucky. I am sorry for all of the rest of you but I am blessed to have the greatest cousins and aunts and uncles in the whole world. I am so taken care of and protected and I cannot express my gratitude. I plan to record all or most of the things that I have learned over the coming days, but tonight I really need to record something so sweet that occured today. Mom and I stopped in Kemmerer because they have an Artic Circle there and we LOVE that place. Fry sauce and Lime Rickey's are my friend. Anyway...as we sat there eating, we started watching a little boy who was there hanging out with his papa while his mom was working behind the counter. He was about 18 months old and he was not cute in a conventional way but was adorable once I started really watching him. It only took me a few moments of watching to realize that he was above average in intelligence and he was really crafty. I love that in kids. The play area where he was hanging out with his dad was an addition and had different tile than the actual restaurant. His dad made it very clear to him that he was not to pass the line made by the differing tiles. He was flirting with me and wanted to go past that line in the worst way. I was trying so hard not to be a temptation, but he was so dang cute. He would watch his dad and then he would approach the line and the would take his toes right up to the edge and then he would lean his body as far as he could over the line, just to see what Dad would do. I was totally cracking up. He would hold this stance for a moment and then he would give up and turn around and run around the play area and act like he did not care at all about that line. But I knew that he was still plotting, you could see it in his face and I know kids. He approached the line over and over and did the same thing, but he never actually stepped even a toe across that line. I was also watching his dad and I could see his dad becoming more and more relaxed as this game went on, secure in the knowledge that his boy understood the boundaries. Then it happened. He turned away from the line and started running around the play area, came back to the line in what appeared to be the same game, but he did not stop at the line, he just kept running and I am telling you, he was running with all that he had in his little self and he was fast! It took his now relaxed father a moment to realize what had just occured but he was soon in pursuit of the cunning little runaway and snatched him up. I was about under my table with glee. It was great. The kid did not even cry when his dad scooped him up. He just gave his dad a long, hard look and I could see that he was already plotting his next escape. It was such a great moment, I loved it. But then I got in the car and I began to think and what I recognize as the spirit began to work on helping me think and I realized that I was loving that performance because that was totally looking in the mirror. I am absolutely that little boy. Time and time and time again, I take my toes up to the line and I lean my body over that line and sometimes I almost fall with seeing how far I can go without actually crossing the ilne. And I am so prideful that I think that I am fooling my Father. I think that I can lull Him into complacency about me and when I get just prideful enough to believe that He is not looking, I make a run for it. I have even thought I got away with it more times than I care to admit. But I never really get away with anything. Something always comes along to scoop me up and put me back within my boundaries. Sometimes I throw a tantrum about this, but not often, I am not really a tantrum kind of person. Usually, I am like my little toddler friend and I just immediatly begin plotting my next move. Will I ever learn? I don't know. I have a lot of good people who I love and who profess to love me who are in place and giving me swift kicks in the butt on a regular basis, so perhaps there is hope. We shall see. In the meantime, I am so full of gratitude for an insane amount of blessings that are mine in my extended family. It is almost embarrassing, but I am not ashamed enough to give any of them up. They are mine and again I apologize to the rest of you who must settle for second best. Thanks for listening, keep yer stick on the ice.