I think that this will be random....

First of all, I am thinking about the power of words. Recently I sent a message to a very small and select group of people on Facebook. I got a reply from one of these folks. The answer was this "thank you!" No need to explain why, but this response brought on tears, the good kind. It struck me as I pondered on this, just how many time just two or three words have changed my life. "I love you", "I do", "They are gone", "It was Emily", "I'm back", "I'm leaving"...I could go on all day, we all have these moments in our lives when we will never be the same, all because of a small utterance. I love words and I love the power that they have in my life. I love being transformed by them. I love language and I am grateful that I have been allowed to make words and language so much of my life's work. It will now be my continued prayer that I will be able to use words to bring on feelings of empowerment and joy to others.

Speaking of words, Pastor Mona's prayer that was posted on Facebook this morning had a line in it that brought me to my knees, literally. "I don't need to try and control what You can perfect." WHOA!! That is all that I have been trying to do of late, it seems. Trying to control things, especially people, that only God can change or perfect. This was a beautiful reminder that I need to step back and see everything and everyone the way that God sees them. And I need to remember who I want to ask to be in control. For I know that He will only control what I ask of him...but I must ask. Think I better go and have a discussion about that with Him right now before my day goes much further. Thanks Mona for giving me perspective with wonderful words to start my day.

Now...let's all go forward and use our words carefully and wisely today and thus empower ourselves and others!

It is that time of year again

From August 25th through the month of September, is time of reflection and real struggle for me. I have talked here before about dates and anniversaries of events and remembering birthdays of those who have died. I know that many of you feel strongly that this is not healthy, but I need to remember these dates. And I get up in the wee hours of the morning to learn that I have been invited to have the items I want from my friend Anna's sewing room as her family prepares to tackle that project, one that I know is daunting for them. So, I sit here in the wee hours reflecting and weeping, just a wee bit. But I do need this. I NEED to remember. I need to remember both the lives of these people I no longer get to have in my life and I need to remember the things I learned, and continue to learn, through their deaths. I am grateful for the continued opportunity to heal and hopefully grow. So...those of you who must deal with me in person, I am sorry. It is that time of year again and I need it.

Covenants and Evil

Betcha do not expect to see those two words together, but those are the words that just keep cropping up in my life and so I decided to sit down today and study these words together. Weird, I know...but I am not feeling well and I have never been exactly normal. And it turned out to be pretty interesting.

I am having to acknowledge, in a very real way, that there is evil in the world. And I am furthermore having to acknowledge that this evil can lurk in absolutely anyplace and I need to protect those I love at all times. This is an overwhelming feeling. As I am all about mentoring and I look to God as the perfect parent mentor, I thought about how He must feel as he tries to love and care for all of His children, even the ones who inflict pain and evil on others of His children. That is an overwhelming thought as well. But He does it, and He does it perfectly. And He so often makes me feel protected, despite the evil around me...

Then it struck me, COVENANTS. I feel most safe when I am living up to the covenants that I have made with my Father. Most of you know that I am all about free will and so I have not entered into the covenants with my God lightly. But when I chose to live up to the covenants that I have made, there is a larger sense of safety than when I am "kicking against the pricks". Just as when my own children are more safe when they are willing to bend their will to what I ask of them, when I am humble and choose to open my heart to what He would have me do, there is a corresponding safety that is mine. And as you study the covenant peoples in scripture, that is very evident. In fact, most of you who may read this probably already know this, but I tend to come to a lot of things the long way around.

Because of the fact that this is a mortal existence and the fact that there is free will available to all of God's children, I cannot demand the safety that I would love to have for me and my family and my other loved ones. But I can go a long way to affording all of those I love some protection if I just humble myself enough to ask and to live up to the gifts and promises that have been offered to me. I am so far from doing this well, but I should not allow this to overwhelm me, I do need to figure out what small step I can take first to bring myself more in line with His will and vision.

I finally found it!!

Most of this post is going to be somebody else's words. An ongoing exchange on one of my previous blog posts put my brain onto a poem that I read and loved a few years back. So...I have spent most of the night going through my books, trying to find the dumb thing. (That is okay Tony, Melinda and Andy, I was up anyway and this gave me something to do!) I finally located it (and purged some books, which should make Karl a bit pleased). So...here is a poem on friendship that says so very well exactly how I feel, at this point in my life...

Will you be my friend?

Who am I? I am not sure.
Once I was a rabbit's grave and a basketball hoop on
the garage, a cucumber patch, lilac trees and peonies crawling
with ants. I was stepping stones and a mysterious cistern,
grass fires, water fights and a ping pong in the basement.
I was a picket fence, a bed and a maple chest of drawers
I shared with brothers, a dog named Sandy who danced.
Friends were easy to find. We climbed trees, built grass huts,
chased snakes - and we dreamed a lot.
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND? Beyond childhood.

Who am I? I am not sure.
Once I was predictable. I was educated, trained, loved - not
as I was, but as I seemed to be. My role was my safe
way of hiding. There was no reason to change. Now I am less
sure, more myself. My role has almost disappeared.
My roots are not in my church, my job, my city;
even my world. They are in me. Friends are not so easy to find -
and I dream a lot.
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND? Beyond roles.

Who am I? I am not sure.
I am more alone than before. Part animal, but not protected
by his instincts or restricted by his vision. I am
part spirit as well, yet scarcely free, limited by taste and
touch and time - yearning for all of life. There is no security.
Security is sameness and fear, the postponing of life. Security
is expectations and commitments and premature death. I live
with uncertainty. There are mountains yet to climb, clouds
to ride, stars to explore, and friends to find. I am all alone.
There is only me - and I dream a lot.
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND? Beyond security.

Who am I? I am not sure.
I do not search in emptiness and need, but in increasing
fullness and desire. Emptiness seeks any voice to fill a void,
any face to dispel darkness. Emptiness brings crowds and shadows
easy to replace. Fullness brings a friend, unique, irreplaceable.
I am not as empty as I was. There are the wind and the
ocean, books and music, strength and joys within, and the
night. Friendship is less a request than a celebration, less
a ritual than a reality, less a need than a want.
Friendship is you and me - and I dream a lot.
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND? Beyond need.

Who am I? I am not sure.
Who are you? I want to know.
We didn't sell Kool-aid together or hitchhike to school. We're
not from the same town, the same God, hardly the same
world. There is no role to play, no security to provide, no
commitment to make. I expect no answer save your presence,
your eyes, your self. Friendship is freedom, is flowing, is
rare. It does not need stimulation, it stimulates itself. It trusts,
understands, grows, explores, it smiles and weeps. It does not
exhaust of cling, expect or demand. It is - and that is enough -
and it dreams a lot.
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?

(James Kavanaugh
Leucadia, California 1971)

The prayer I will now offer...

...it has been a crazy past few days. I have found myself in literally dozens of religious discussions. Some in person, some on the Internet, some on the phone, but there have been a large number of them, and some of them have almost moved towards heated. And tonight I have seen folks I love get testy with each other. So many people just work to be right, especially in area of religion. These conversations are not a surprise, when I began a certain journey five years ago, I asked for this very thing. And it has been a blessing. Over the past five years, I have learned so much and had so many wonderful people come into my life. I have met new friends, discovered amazing works of art and reconnected with old friends that I wish I had never lost. God has been good to me. But tonight, as I was studying, something struck me. I have read so many things, studied so many books of religious dogma and doctrine, of all faiths. I have fallen in love with Sufi poets, found new heroes and begged for the Holy Spirit to guide me to the next step in my studies, and have had that begging prayer answered. I have laughed and wept and felt as though I could fly and then felt as though I was beneath the dust of the earth. And I am grateful for each and every one of these emotions.

When I began this journey, I thought I knew a lot. I saw myself as well read and educated. I thought that I could make well informed judgements and decisions, especially about things spiritual. I felt that I could debate with anyone over scripture and come out ahead. But tonight I realized that I can no longer do this and I do not want to. It suddenly me hit me. I really do love each and every person who has offered me insights and new understanding. From Brad showing me the Sufi poets to Suman teaching me about the Hindu beliefs to Ellis bringing me powerful tenets in the Four Agreements of his Toltec faith to Andy reminding me of the spiritual warfare around us...so many people have changed my life. And tonight, I realized that I no longer need to be right, I do not need to prove anything. I do not quite know how to explain this feeling, and I am doing a terrible job, but I really just need to be able to love, to really try and see others as God sees them.

As all of these feelings coursed through me tonight, I realized that I have come to a place of naivete. I no longer feel educated or well read or learned. I just feel a tremendous need to embrace so many people, people I know and some I am just meeting and some that I do not even know yet. In our family, we say, in jest, all the time "Can't we all just hug each other and have a moment" (from Surf Ninjas, one of the best grade B movies ever made). We say it in jest, but this is exactly how I feel. Goofy, huh?

So...I am doing a terrible job of trying to explain this...but back to the title of this post. I am grateful for what I am feeling tonight and so I will now offer, in my personal prayers, a thank you to my Father for this naivete and I will also beg for it not to go away, and to even increase.

And yes, to whoever happens to read this...I LOVE YOU!

A bit more on Lewis' thoughts...

For those who have not read my past two blog posts, I am taking apart some correspondence between C.S. Lewis and Sheldon Vanauken. Sheldon is exploring the idea that Christianity may be what he needs to embrace and he is asking questions of Mr. Lewis. One of the things that Sheldon expresses to Mr. Lewis is that he does not know if he wishes to learn that Christianity is his new truth or whether he hopes to find that Christianity and its ideas mean nothing. I adore Mr. Lewis' response...

"But what does the existence of the wish suggest? At one time I was much impressed by Arnold's line 'Nor does the being hungry prove that we have bread.' But surely, though it doesn't prove that one particular man will get food, it does prove that there is such a thing as food! i.e. if we were a species that didn't normally eat, weren't designed to eat, would we feel hungry? You say the materialist universe is 'ugly'. I wonder how you discovered that! If you are really a product of a materialistic universe, how is it you don't feel at home there? Do fish complain of the see for being wet? Or if they did, would that fact itself not strongly suggest that they had not always been, or would not always be, purely aquatic creatures? Notice how we are perpetually surprised at Time. ('How time flies! Fancy John being grown-up and married! I can hardly believe it!) In heaven's name, why? Unless indeed, there is something in us which is not temporal."

INDEED!! We are not wholly temporal creatures. What a beautiful thought, this idea that we have an inherent sense of the eternal and we therefore do indeed bristle against time as being a restraint that is not natural for us. I love this idea of seeing very graphically that I am made of eternal stuff.

C.S. Lewis had an unbelievable way of seeing truth and presenting it in such a way that it makes so much sense to me. I am so grateful for his bold and open choice to write his thoughts down. And he paid such a price for being bold in his views. In fact, Mr. Vanauken relates that he once found himself walking behind two Oxford dons as they discussed that day's vote to make C.S. Lewis the head of poetry. These two men were not going to miss the vote, not because they felt strongly about a man who is a great candidate, they felt strongly that the absurd Christian, Lewis, should not be given such an important post. But Mr. Lewis did not allow this to drive him from writing what he felt God wanted him to write.

Thank you Mr. Lewis. You have saved me so many times because you chose to follow the Holy Spirit. I owe you.

Lewis thoughts...part deux

I was not going to write tonight, I did so many things wrong today that I thought I should just crawl into bed and end the day. So...I tried...but to no avail. Thus I found myself back in my books and back to this goofy letter by C.S. Lewis that will not leave me alone. So...here I sit...writing the next installment.

One of the queries that Sheldon made of Mr. Lewis was in regards to life after death. In response to this Mr. Lewis wrote.

"Note that life after death, which still seems to you the essential thing, was itself a late revelation. God trained the Hebrews for centuries to believe in Him without promising them an after-life, and, blessings on Him, he trained me in the same way for about a year. It is like the disguised prince in the fairy tale who wins the heroine's love before she knows he is anything more than a woodcutter. What would be a bribe if it came first had better come last."

This really hit me, hard. As I lay on my bed for an hour or so, just chewing on this paragraph and then hit the scriptures, I was stunned. I was raised to see beyond this life. I have been living my life for what comes after this life, and I see many Christians and Muslims that I love doing exactly the same thing. I need to stop living for what comes next. I need to live for now. I think that I can be a much better Christian and a better person and a better Cynthia if I stop trying to see eternity and start living for this moment. After all, eternity does not look so hot to me right now, but perhaps I can make the next few moments of my life and the lives of those around me look brighter.

Now...understand...all of this came to me in that moment of study. But I fear that I quickly lost my grip and perspective again and I did not live today for the moment and with the idea of brightening those around me. In fact, I lived the opposite of this and I fear that I hurt a number of folks. So...can I live in the moment and try to be better for others and repent at the same time for the past? This will take some additional pondering, I think...

It is kinda like an enema....

...okay...that title has very little to do with what I am about to write, but I could not resist using it. You see, I had a day with a very dear friend this week. A friend with whom a day is a magical thing because of where we both are in our lives. At the end of the day, we clung to each other and expressed how grateful we are for these snippets of time together and how we each feel strengthened and renewed by the other one and why in the world does the universe never allow us to be together. I kissed her cheek and expressed my thanks to her for her cleansing presence. Her final thought to me, "Yep, I am kinda like an enema". And she is! Heeheehee!!

But let me get to the reason that I sat down at this computer tonight. I have spent the past couple of days stuck on a letter. This is a letter written by C.S. Lewis to an acquaintance. And I mean barely an acquaintance, at the time the letter was written. But these two men shared a number of common friends and the man had written to Mr. Lewis because he was trying to come to an understanding of Christianity and what it all meant. I think that I would have dearly loved C.S. Lewis. From his first reply to this relatively unknown soul, Mr. Lewis wrote with intimacy and love. I am wont to frighten people with my jumps to intimacy in conversation, and I could learn a great deal how to handle this better from Mr. Lewis. I am going to have to study his correspondence further.

Anyway, back to this letter. I am referring to the second letter that Mr. Lewis wrote in this exchange. In this letter he speaks in such a brilliant way about Christianity and the Savior and our relationship with the Savior and with our Father's plan for us. It is truly a marvel, each of his words. I just had to share a few of them that really struck me and perhaps changed my life.

"I do not think that there is a demonstrative proof (like Euclid) of Christianity, nor of the existence of matter, nor of the good will and honesty of my best and oldest friends. I do think that all three are (except perhaps the second) far more probable than the alternative. As to why God doesn't make it demonstratively clear: are we sure that He is even interested in the kind of Theism which could be a compelled logical assent to a conclusive argument? Are we interested in it in personal matters? I demand from my friend a trust in my good faith which is certain without demonstrative proof. It wouldn't be confidence at all if he waited for rigorous proof. Hang it all, the very fairy-tales embody the truth. Othello believed in Desdemona's innocence when it was proved: but that was too late. Lear believed in Cordelia's love when it was proved: but that was too late.

Whoa! I find myself asking for proof, all the time any more and that is not what I should be asking. I need to be giving Him the same kind of confidence that I demand from my friends and from Him towards me. God likely is not interested in giving the conclusive argument. He just wants me to stop arguing and place my confidence in Him. Not after the fact, not after proof, but He wants from me the same kind of trust in my good faith that I ask of my close friends towards myself. This hit me hard.

He goes on to say...

"The magnanimity, the generosity which will trust on a reasonable probability, is required of us. But supposing one believed and was wrong after all? Why, then you would have paid the universe a compliment it doesn't deserve. Your error would even so be more interesting and important than the reality. And yet how could that be? How could an idiotic universe have produced creatures whose mere dreams are so much stronger, better, subtler than itself?"

Indeed, I do know that I am not the stuff of an idiotic universe! And I desperately need to stop thinking that I, and my opinion, and my ideas about the course of my life, are better than that which God has planned.

You know, I have two more, even more powerful insights that I need to record and possibly get feedback. But I think that putting all three of these "ah-hahs" in a single blog post would be crippling to both myself and anyone who happens to read this blog.

So...I am going to close this post and each of the subsequent Lewis posts with the exact words that he used to close this letter that has struck me so powerfully.

"The Holy Spirit is after you. I doubt if you'll get away!"

Nicknames

I got a letter this week, from my Grandma Lloyd. It was great, even had some photos in it. My grandma is a pretty zany soul. When we were little, she had a nickname for each and every one of my cousins. But never for me and my siblings. It used to break my heart. I pretty much figured it was due to the fact that she did not care for us as much as the other grandkids. It also made me mad, because I was the oldest grandkid after all, so not only should I have a nickname, but I should have the BEST nickname. Turns out, I did! I was never comfortable asking my grandma about why my siblings and I had no nicknames. Part of being zany, meant that she could also be kinda frightening. But Karl did not understand this and right after we got married, he asked her why I had no nickname like all of my cousins. She told him that she had given me one, but my mom did not care for the whole nickname thing and asked grandma not to use them for her kids, but to please use the names we were given. Really?! My silly mother. Grandma then went on to explain that my nickname was "Gladiola" or "Glad" for short. She chose this name because Dr. Schoper, who delivered me, always won first prize at the county fair for his gladiolas. And she said that I was as pretty as a flower. Isn't that a great story!! I asked her to please start using this name for me. She then went on to give Karl a name (Spike...when he had hair...it was very problematic...) And she has used these names for Karl and I ever since and has subsequently named all of our children. I love this.

I have had a number of other nicknames throughout my life. And most of them were even positive. Interestinly enough, I have had a flower theme carry into other names. I had former boyfriends who called me "Sunflower" and "Forsythia" and even "Honeysuckle". I have also been known as Blossom and Rose by good friends. I think this is delightful.

But right now, aside from "Glad", I no longer really have any nicknames. All of the kids in my family and Karl do, in fact, they have a few, but I don't really have one. There is a reason for this, but I will not get into this here. And as my grandma is in her late 80's, I fear that "Glad" will not last long. This makes me sad. I think that nicknames are so important and are such a terrific way to make one feel loved. I love watching my kids faces when I use one of my pet names for them. Using those names just tell them that they are loved. Just like when I open up a letter from my grandma and read "Dear Glad". Nicknames are true terms of endearment. In fact, I even think that this is one of the reasons that Isaiah uses so many names for his Savior, he is trying to express his love.

So tonight, as I sit here with my letter from my Grandma, I am grateful for the nicknames that have been mine in my past and I pray that there will one day be terms of endearment ahead for me.

How about you? What names have made you feel loved, throughout your life?

Friendship Scripture Challenge

Well, I have been given a totally awesome opportunity over the course of this summer. I was asked to work as an accountability mentor to a super impressive young woman and I have enjoyed it immensely. I gave her a challenge a couple of days ago, to try and find at least ten scriptures related to God's feelings on what it means to be a good friend and/or the importance of friendships. Now, I was thinking about this yesterday as I was journaling and I realized that I really do not want to be or have friends that rely on me right now. I am really in "one of those" moods at this point in my life. So...I got a strong impression that I had better do this assignment myself. So I went on a scripture search. It was an interesting ride. I began with the greatest friendship, perhaps in history, with David and Jonathon. It was "friendship at first sight" and they truly loved each other. Their "souls were knit together" and they made a covenant of friendship between each other that is absolutely beautiful. They were completely engaged in making certain that their friend was given his heart's desire. And it was a true covenant, they invoked the name of the Lord in their promise to each other (...the Lord be between thee and me for ever. 1 Samuel 20:23.) As I was reading about this, a couple of things crossed my mind. First, I wondered if Jonathon had lived if David would have made the same mistakes that he made in his later life. I know that I am making stupid choices right now just because of the loss of close friends. I do think that losing part of his soul, as David did, was a strong enough loss that it could have led to some loss of common sense. The other question that crossed my mind was whether or not such friendships are possible today. I do not know that such a friendship is any longer a possibility. I do not know if you could find two people who would be that selfless and humble and connected with God. And a friendship such as this requires stillness and quiet, something that we have very little of in today's world.

I found a number of very beautiful scriptures relating to friends and friendship. Beginning in Job, where in the closing words of this story, we are reminded that "The Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends...Job 42:10). Whoa, that gives a lot of power to friendship. And yes, there have been a number of times when I have been led out of captivity by a friend. In Proverbs we are told that a friend "loveth at all times" (17:17) and can "sticketh closer than a brother" (18:24) and that a friend "sharpeneth our countenance" (27:17). Again, I see power in friendship.

In looking at Christ's own words, I found it interesting that in Matthew 20:13 he refers to a murmurer as a friend and as the soldiers are taking Christ away, after the kiss of Judas, Jesus calls Judas, Friend. Given the power that is inherent, throughout the scriptures, in this word, that is pretty amazing. I loved reading in Luke 11, the verses that lead up to the "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened up to you." In the verses (5-8) that lead up to this promise, Christ refers to the relationship of a good friend. I was especially touched by this passage because in another, recent, blog post, the idea of a "2 AM friend" was introduced by a comment from Brian and I received a number of sweet messages from good people telling me that they would indeed be a 2 AM friend, should I ever need one. And in these scriptures in Luke, this is what the Savior is talking about, about the importance of having a friend who will give you bread when you beg at midnight. And then He goes on to offer to be just that kind of friend. I am grateful to have some people in my life who have offered to be that kind of friend, and I am especially grateful to have Him as a friend to me. I hope that someday I have the desire to be that kind of friend again. In John 3:29, He invites us to be His friend and to therefore know joy and rejoicing. And of course, there is that beautiful verse, John 15:13, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

Hmmmm...I would so like to be called, as Abraham was "the Friend of God" (James 2:23). But I think in order to be called that, one must be a friend to those that God puts in our path. And right now, I am not in a place to be that kind of person. I am not willing, right now, to open myself up to trusting in this kind of fashion. But I did learn how to be a friend, from this scripture journey. So, if the day comes when I find the faith and strength to lose my pride, I will have a better idea of what I need to do.