Again...the power of words.

What do we do when those people, whose opinion means so much to us, use the things that we share with them or the things that are most dear to our hearts against us? And why do those who should most look out for our interests and cherish our hearts often choose to see only our weaknesses and never our strengths? AND WHY DO I SO OFTEN DO THESE EXACT SAME THINGS TO THOSE THAT I SHOULD BE CHERISHING? Okay, I do not use others words against them very often. Words are too precious to me. But I do, too often, choose to see the weaknesses of others instead of focusing on their strengths. I believe that this is a huge part of charity. And I want to not only be a loving person but I want to move that love to the point of charity. Karl and I have a theory on the "charity reflex" that we would like to develop. This is the ability to be in tune enough to know when we need to help others, especially to be aware enough to know when we are in a time and place to use our talents and abilities to do work that is our particular mission here on earth. Some of the best moments of my life are when I have made a connection with a friend, old or new, and learned that I was an instrument of the higher powers and I really and truly brought them just what they needed at that time in their life. Wouldn't it be grand if we could feel that, even a little bit, every day of our lives? I have done so many things to hurt the ones I love the most and I cannot change this but I can work to have fervent charity. After all, Peter promises us in 1 Peter 4:8 "And above all else have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." Heaven knows that I have a multitude of sins to cover, so I had better get off of here and get to work.

My Identity

I cannot sleep. Yeah, I know, big surprise. But as I lay here, reviewing the day, and pondering all of the hats that I wear, I am trying to decide just what I am. I was up at 4:45 getting things and kids ready for the day and preparing to drive Malachi to seminary, I am an alarm clock and a taxi service. I spent the day pondering on the life and loss of dear friends. I am one who grieves. I prepared paperwork at the warehouse and met with the accountant. I am a business owner and bookkeeper. I taught/mentored young people today. I am a teacher and a mentor. I met an intriguing young man today at lunch and had a tremendous discussion on literature, music, and world views. I am a scholar. I received a fabulous, first of its kind piece of jewelry and got even more excited about upcoming events and opportunities for my friend Andy. I like to think I am a friend and, hopefully, a promoter. I had a number of Facebook, text, phone, and email exchanges, some serious, some silly, with people I love, even people who are as dear to me as family, who understand what I grieve and struggle with and vice versa. I am a confidante, no I am a giver and a taker, that is a better phrase. I received a request from another speech coach for a drama interp piece. I am a coach. (And, by the way, if any of you from Strasburg are reading this, I do have the piece and will get it to Ginia.) I returned to the warehouse, where I helped with computer stuff and aided Karl with some customer inquiries and phone calls. I am a wife. I am an IT guy. I checked out for a half hour on the couch in the back room to get ahead of a whopper of a headache. I am, occasionally, a migraine sufferer. I grumped about all that I had to do with anyone who would listen. I am a whiner. I can count, without much effort, 8 times today that I was asked about books or a piece of literature. I am a reader, nay, a book addict. I gave a lot of great advice and used a lot of good words today that I do not live by myself. I am a liar, a cheat, and a fraud. I made the decision to stay down at the warehouse with Malachi and Seviah tonight and so we giggled over food at Noodles and Company and then Red Boxed "Thor" (which I loved, even if I struggled to stay awake and alert). I am a mom. I am a movie freak. And now, I sit at the computer, desperate for the sleep that is eluding me. I am an insomniac. I have no good remedy for the insomnia, so I am going to wrap this up and try prayer. I am a daughter of God.

So...this is not all...but it is a good sampling. And how do I feel about all of these labels? Which one(s)come nearest to being my true identifier(s). If I had to prioritize these labels, how would that look? Which labels do I need to tweak? Which ones do I need to adjust? Which ones do I need to lose? This I do not know for sure but I needed to get this down on paper in order to clarify my mind enough to face these questions.

Now I gotta fix it...

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I am beginning to realize some things. I hate realizing things, this always leads to responsibility. Death, the character in so many of the DiscWorld books by Terry Pratchett has a lot of great quotes in those books. But one that has struck me of late goes as follows, "Humans need fantasy to be human, to be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape." This is struck me so deeply because I am beginning to see that I have been a fraud, living a fantasy, in many ways. And I need to move away from this and be totally real. But in stripping down from the fantasy, I am coming to see that I must make huge amends to so many people for not being all that I wanted or claimed to be. I have defrauded so many, where do I start? In Corinthians, Paul said, "But I keep under my body and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway." I have preached to others, but I have not lived what I have preached. So I am now needing to be, at least for a time, a castaway. I need to pull back and inward, I need to be real and I need to be what I really am, but I am afraid, for what I really am is deeply lacking. So...I would love some thoughts from others. What comes first, the apologies for not being what one claimed to be or the attempt to try and step back to the real self and start over and be real? I find myself in a conundrum...

Rambling observations from my weekend.

This past Saturday, two young couples that I adore were sealed in marriage. I dearly wished that I could have been in two places at once so that I could have been witness to both of these ceremonies, but that was not possible. But as I sat in the sealing room, sending my love to Daniel and Samantha as I observed the sealing of Loni and Malcolm, I was filled with gratitude for the privilege if having people like Loni and Daniel and now Malcolm and Samantha in my life. And their families, how I love their families. Both of these young people went through struggles to get to that altar on Saturday. Some of these struggles were theirs alone and some of these struggles involved other members of their family. But not once in ANY of those struggles was there a moment when someone wasn't praying for those individuals and those families. A lot of somebodies, as a matter of fact. As I considered this, I was, not so gently, reminded that this is the case for me as well. I am in the midst of some struggles. But I truly do get stronger every day and I still find that I learn something new every day. As this reminder was handed to me a previous temple experience washed over me and I knew, I just knew, as I have known before, but seem to need constant reminding, that I am not alone. In that moment a haiku popped into my head (yes, the one I posted last night) and I was also reminded that I have talents and abilities that also ensure that I am not alone, that none of us are alone if we use those talents to benefit others and remind them that they are not alone and that they are loved. If we do this, we will be guaranteed to feel less alone. And I can even use my talents for myself to help me remember what is real.

I saw examples of this in abundance this past weekend. A whole lotta people sharing talents to make others feel important and cherished. When the three Boyd boys (shut up, they will always be boys) sang together the perfect lyrics that Brian wrote for Loni, there was a true sense of love and comradery that just flooded the room. I think that what I felt in that room at that moment is what the eternity that we all want will feel like. Rooms filled with people who are loving and laughing and joined through common bonds of experience and struggle and prayer and weeping and sacrifice and pain even anguish, but in the end, having pushed through, then there will be just peace and joy. Perhaps that is what someone who has been sent to help me at this time in my life meant when he told me to just be Cynthia and just be out there and be honest and real and allow others to share both my laughter and my pain. Perhaps this was due to the need for common bonds that will join me to others who will pray for me and mine and who do indeed understand and who will one day share laughter and joy with me in peace. I hope so because I am taking his advice.