The assignment was to observe nature on the City Hall grounds in downtown Salt Lake. We were to observe for then minutes or so and then begin writing. LaRae pointed out that there were benches located around circular planting areas and so we headed that way. Then I spotted the next group of plantings over and I just had to go there. I knew it would be fragrant because I could see lavender and I could also see many, many bees moving around through the lamb’s ear plants (and yes, I did pet them). It was as fragrant as I hoped in fact it was divine and enveloped me almost as soon as I sat down. And I quickly found myself distracted in the most silly way. I noticed a roly-poly bug moving on the sidewalk in front of me and it took a great deal of willpower for me to stay on that bench and not get down on my hands and knees and frighten him into a ball. But, that was a momentary distraction and it was not what really grabbed my attention, after watching the bees for a few moments (and being so very grateful to see so many bees in one place) I realized that I could not hear the bees. I wanted to hear them but that becomes difficult in a city setting with traffic, skateboard, and people noises. So I tried watching the bees. I knew that they were moving and that, while the sound was soft, it was there. But stare though I might, I could not hear them. So I tried looking up. Being the cloud freak that I am, and having such great clouds moving over the top of the City Hall towers, I thought that this would help me to focus and hear the bees. But, as they often do, the clouds distracted me and I pretty much forgot about the bees. It was worth the distraction. Those clouds, with good movement, against the backdrop of the gorgeous City Hall with its spires and statues, were incredibly beautiful. It was very tough to tear myself away and turn my attention back to the bees. But I managed. I finally tried closing my eyes and concentrating on hearing the bees. It was not enough. The outside sounds were overwhelming. So I began to go through the steps of my sacred warriorship meditation and at about three steps in I began to sense the bees. I was feeling them and their movement more than hearing actual buzzing but it was a start. At this point I realized that I could hear crickets chirping so I knew that my efforts were working. Then I realized that I could hear the buzzing I wanted to hear but it was mostly coming from behind me. I opened my eyes and looked behind me and quickly realized that there was a rather cantankerous large drone back there who was literally picking fights with other workers. So I laid my head back on the bench and closed my eyes again and moved back into meditation mode. Now all I could hear was Mr. Grumpy Drawers. I could no longer sense the overriding collective droning that had been so beautiful and peaceful. I couldn’t even really hear the crickets any longer. I do believe that I could have captured that connection again if I had continued into deeper meditation but I really hate to do that when I am working with time constraints. So I opened my eyes again and played with the lamb’s ear plants for a while. I was sad. I had loved those brief moments when I felt the collective buzzing deep in my chest.
As I finished my observing time and thought about the applications to my life, and myself it quickly boiled down to distraction. I hate the fact that that there are so many distractions in my life and that I, in turn, can be such a distraction for others. I long to be a part of a collective where the buzzing is in harmony and all are filling their stewardships with peaceful abandon. How can I foster this, beginning with my own thoughts and then my own family, then my other communities? I think that helping bring that kind of connection is part of my mission here on earth. But it is overwhelming to consider and I really am not sure how to avoid being a Mr. Grumpy Drawers. And how does one maintain one’s individuality and the individuality of others and maintain that peaceful, loving collective? That is God’s plan, that is what we want for our eternity and we must be working to create that as much as possible here on earth. My cousin Patty’s recent work on my energy tied me to so many things and people, even many generations back on my family line. I truly want that cleansing to allow me to be more connected and open to those connections, especially in my family. There is a huge part of me that seriously wants to remain a Mr. Grumpy Drawers. I. Must. Choose. I do realize that I have to be careful and protect my children and myself but I need to work on being as open as possible while still sheltering correctly. Only the spirit can guide me to work this fine line. I am going to end here by acknowledging that I can see that I am clearer and in a much better place than I was even a week ago because I did this assignment without a moment of reservation or argument or grumpiness. That is huge. Of late, my natural response has always been to question and debate and get dark and closed to this kind of activity but I did not even give this one a second thought. I just did it and I am glad and I am now going to desperately try and build on this clearness and understanding to make myself as positive an influence as possible.
PS. Since writing this back on the 13th of July, it has been stunning to me the amount of times that bees have cropped up in moments of despair or self doubt. I do believe that the bee is going to be an intense symbol that God uses in my life for a time to help me keep my focus. How I appreciate these symbols and reminders.
