It is 5 AM. I cannot sleep. I am thinking I better get some stuff written down or I might hurt myself. I wish there were a way to do a scientific experiment to see just how many emotions one could experience and not have a breakdown....I would be a good case study for this right now.
Emotion #1 - Anguish. There are some that I love with all of my heart who are in pain. This causes me pain. I have written in previous posts about how I sometimes rail against these connections and this very pain. I am not railing against these connections now, even with the hurt. I am glad to be "members in particular in the body of Christ" with so many wondrous souls. In all of this hurt, I realized a new truth last night. As I listened to the devastated weeping of one that I love last night, I started to say that I wished that I could take away the pain. But I stopped as I realized that this was not the case. In this instance, where repentance is needed, I do not yet want the pain removed. The pain is a good thing, here. It is a driving force. Driving someone I love to their knees and, ultimately, into the arms of the Savior. And that is the only real way to remove the pain. I cannot remove it from them and to have such frivolous words fall from my lips does not bring comfort. So, I will hurt along with them, but I will not try to "make it all better". That is an epitome of pride, trying to do what only the Savior can do.
Emotion #2 - Anger. In Proverbs 22:24 we are warned not to have a friendship with an angry man. I guess that means that I should have few friends right now. Because I am an angry elf. This is likely the most poisonous of my current emotions and so why do I have such a difficult time letting anger go. Why do I have this perverse enjoyment or pleasure out of the anger that causes me to hang on to it? I guess that this is proof positive that Satan knows me. He fans the flames of anger and I allow him to do so. In the verse following 24 it speaks of anger as a snare to thy soul. This is an interesting word, "snare". We are indeed trapped when we give into anger. It becomes a loop. It also grows and completely nets us. I am angry because I feel that there are people I love who have not been honest with me and I am angry over decisions made by those who have authority over me that have affected me. And when I stay awake, in the dark, wee hours of the morning, that anger becomes overpowering and I cannot see any light. And before I know it, I am angry with everyone and everything around me, even God and I find myself immersed in the idea of being a victim. And then, yes, I am ensnared. And. It. Takes. So. Much. Work. To. Throw. Off. The. Net. Of. Anger. Which then leads to another emotion....
Emotion #3 - Exhaustion. Well, not exactly an emotion, but a state that does affect me. But this is the beginning of being saved from the darkness. Not at first. At first, the exhaustion is overwhelming and there is a sense that I will never be able to overcome and I will never see light again. There is a sense that I can trust nobody and that nobody understands and that I am all alone. When I hit this point and I am sinking fast, there is a choice. I have made the incorrect choice plenty of times, but this night, I chose the correct choice. I opened the scriptures, in particular, Isaiah. There are more scriptures about exhaustion and weariness and rest in Isaiah than in any other book of scripture. Test it, try it, you will see. I opened up Isaiah. I flipped through the scriptures I have marked in that book and I stumble upon 47: 13, "Thou are wearied in the multitude of thy counsels..." So true! I am where I am because I chose to be here. I chose to love and counsel and be connected with a large number of people. I. Chose. This. And I can embrace these connections or I can just be angry and therefore, perpectually exhausted. And if I do choose to embrace these connections then I better stop feeling sorry for myself and practice with I preach and be in "the body of Christ" and lean on those I can trust (for they are there, despite what my dark anger tries to tell me) and especiallylean on Him.
Emotion #4. Weariness. They may sound the same, but weariness is very different from exhaustion. Weariness involves God. Weariness has an element of humility that opens the door for other opportunities and other, positive emotions. Weariness opens up the door for rest. Again in Isaiah, "The whole earth is at rest, and is quiet: they break forth into singing." At this point in the process, it is time for prayer. I am now humble and pliable enough to offer the true feelings that I need to offer and to hear what I need to hear.
Emotion #5. Chagrin and/or Sorrow. Now is the time when I have to admit to God my stupidity. I must tell him how dumb I am. I must tell him that I just spent a sleepless night, wrestling with the darkness and that I chose to do it alone and not involve Him. I have to hear that heavy sigh from the Lord as He, YET AGAIN, as to remind me that...if I had only involved Him from the beginning that we all might have known some rest through the long night. I, YET AGAIN, have to say. "I know, you told me so. I am sorry. But I am here now." And then I lay it at His feet...well...then I have a bit of a tug of war, or a wrestling match as I attempt to let go of a few things that, in my pride, I am willing to let go of, at this time.
Emotion #6. Gratitude. I still have pride. There is still anger, smoldering, that will ignite again. But it is just smoldering, it is no longer consuming. So, now I can see how blessed I am and how much I have been given. I can see how empowered I am in the gifts and talents I have been offered. I can see as well the responsibility that is mine because of those gifts and talents and I can even have gratitude for this responsibility. So now, I say thanks to Him.
Emotion #7. Peace. Now, now that it is no longer available to me, because it is morning. Now I think I could sleep. Now I am feeling a bit of the peacemaker that I need to be. I am feeling the wisdom that James speaks of in James 3:17-18. The wisdom from above that is full of mercy and good fruit, without hypocrisy. Now the tears of cleansing come. Now I can see where I can be most effective in the lives of those I love. Now I can love again, even. Now I can laugh, at myself, for the idiocy of this entire process, knowing full well that it will happen again, likely before the day is out...
No comments:
Post a Comment