I love monsters

I have been ruminating on this post for awhile. I was sitting here reading and I just read the following statement in the book Brooding by Andy Williamson. "Living in his grandmother's house, Tyler knew about fear. But his mom had also explained to him the difference between real fears and pretend fears. She never read him any of the spooky books she bought, but there were enough frightening moments in the classic lit that she did read him for him to discern the difference." (By the way, I will be reviewing this book in the near future, but I do have to say that I am really enjoying it.) Reading this paragraph brought this theme to mind and since I am not sleeping, I will get these thoughts down.

I love monsters. I realized this when a friend asked me why I loved Dr. Who so much. I told her that Dr. Who makes me think and I love monsters and Dr. Who has great monsters. Then I started to consider why I love monsters and I realized something. I can watch a movie or a program with monsters and there is no fear, well not any real fear. I can get all charged up as the storyline unfolds and the hero/heroine has to battle the monster and then they usually win and all is well. Then I walk away and that is that. But if I watch a movie or a program that has a villain that is a person, it is not that simple. After a program like that, even if good triumphed, it does not stay behind me. I find that I may have nightmares or an inability to stop thinking about that story and I find it much more difficult to walk away. A monster is not something that I am ever going to face, but a person who chooses to prey on others is something that I have faced and may face again and that is too real a fear for me. Coming to understand this also helped me to explain why I hate so many movies that others love and think that I should appreciate as well. If I am going to be frightened, in my entertainment, I choose to be frightened by pretend fears, as Mr. Williamson indentifies them. I tried to explain this to my husband the other day and he thinks that I am pretty ridiculous, and others probably feel much the same, but it works for me.

My new journal

Karena is in Europe. This means that I can say whatever I want about her right now and she cannot do anything about it. I do not like Karena at this moment. I love her, she is my sister in so many ways, but I do not care for her presently. As our school year came to a close, Karena did something for me that nobody has ever done before. I am the queen of journals. I am all the time giving journals to people and nagging them to record their adventures, whatever adventure may look like for them. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am the journal freak (and pest). But nobody has ever given me a journal before. Karena did and it is so beautiful. It is definately a journal that I would pick for myself, so it is obvious that she knows me. It is green (the only color of any real standing), it is an Irish journal (which is as close as you can get to a Scotland journal and still be green), it has thick, beautiful, cream colored pages and every other page or so has a beautiful quote or Irish blessing written in the corner. However there is a BIG BUT attached to this jounal. I cannot write just whatever I want. Karena gave it to me and told me that she is fed up with me not seeing my worth. She told me that all of these people around me see what I am, but I do not. So...this is a "greatness journal", and I am to use this journal for the express purpose of recording things that I see in myself that are great. What a load of hooey. So here I sit. I cannot sleep. And this journal is taunting me as it has been for days. Now understand, I truly am a journal freak. The idea of all of those empty pages makes me crazy and I have opened this one dozens of times already, dying to fill a page. But then I hear Karena's voice and I cannot think of a thing to write down. Tonight I decided that I could get around Karena's stipulation by writing a dedication at the beginning of the journal to the woman who had presented it to me. So I got it out and opened to the first page and I froze. Karena may be all the way over in Europe, but she will not always be, she is coming home in a couple of weeks. And she will demand an answer and I am scared of her. So...sigh...the journal is still not broken in and continues to taunt me. I finally turned to one of the pages where the following blessing is written, "Count your blessings in stead of your crosses; count your gains instead of your losses." I really like this blessing. So, I drew a very pathetic attempt at the "like" thumbs up hand that you can click on Facebook. Now, perhaps the journal will stop sitting there smirking at me and I can get some sleep.

I love Mondays!

I do love Mondays. In our faith, we have a lot of young people out serving missions. Monday is what they term their "preparation day". It is a day for them to take care of things like laundry and such. It is also the day that they write to their families and friends. I get about a dozen emails on Mondays, forwarded from parents, from an incredible group of young people that I love and admire. So, I really, really look forward to Monday.

One email that I received yesterday really struck me. It spoke of an address, given to the missionaries by their mission president, where he discussed the concept that
"casualness will lead to casualty". WHOA!! As soon as I finished this letter, I began to play with this concept and pulled a few things off of the shelf and began to study. I pulled out works by those who are not casual or indifferent is another word I would use for casual. One of my heroes, Elie Wiesel stated the following, "Our obligation is to give meaning to life and in doing so to overcome the passive, indifferent life." We live in a time where the passive, indifferent (casual) life is a real danger. After reading Mr. Wiesel's passage, I turned to my two first resources, scripture and Webster's 1828 dictionary. I was blown away by what I found under the definition of casual, in Mr. Webster's dictionary. In today's world, the word casual has come to mean lighthearted or fun or pleasurable. In fact, in the latest Oxford dictionary, here on my desk it defines casual as "relaxed and unconcerned". But I prefer Mr. Webster's definition, after what I have pondered today. "1. Falling; happening or coming to pass, without design in the person or persons affected, and without being forseen, or expected; accidental; fortuitous; coming by chance. Taking place, or beginning to exist without an efficient intelligent cause, and without design."

I see so many that I love who are falling, who are working without design and therefore are finding themselves in casualty because of this casualness. We cannot be casual any longer. We must use our intelligence and design our futures. As Mr. Wiesel says, we have an obligation to give meaning to life. In the scriptures, in this morning's study, I love Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 14:8, "For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle?" We cannot be laid back or casual about our words or our lives or our plans. We must trumpet loudly so that those around us both hear and understand the challenge and the plan. And then we must act, with surety and power to enact the plans that we have created. This does not mean that we will not have failures or struggles, but we can avoid casualty, most of the time, at least casualty that was our doing. This is the lesson that I needed to learn today. And it is a lesson that I will pass on to whoever will listen because as Paul further reminds us in 1 Corinthians 14:10 "There are, it may be, so many kinds of voices in the world, and none of them is without signification." NONE OF THEM! Every voice is important, whether one chooses to use that voice for good or evil, it must be heard and not simply allowed to drift away in casual indifference, for that is the greatest tragedy.

My 100+ most influential books.

Okay, here it is. I posted this on Facebook, but some of you are not there (Tam...) and I mean for this to be a discussion and so I would love to hear feedback from anyone. Argue with me, tell me which ones you have read that have also been influential to you, agree with me (but I prefer argument!), whatever, but let me know your thoughts. I should clarify that this was not easy and I never could narrow it down to just 100 and I had to stick in a number of series and "complete" works to make it something that I could be comfortable with.Also, I could not even begin to put it in order of importance, well I could begin, but I could not end, so it is presented in alphabetical order. Those of you who know me, know full well which ones are at the top...maybe... But it was a fun exercise!

5000 Year Leap, The by W. Cleon Skousen

84 Charing Cross Road by Helene Hanff

Adam Bede by George Eliot

Agony and the Ecstasy by Irving Stone

Ah Wilderness by Eugene O'Neill

All Creatures Great and Smal by James Herriot

All My Sons by Arthur Miller

Amelia Peabody Mysteries by Elizabeth Peters

An American Childhood by Annie Dillard

Anti-Federalist Papers by Various

Apocrypha

Approaching Zion by Hugh Nibley

Art of War by Sun Tzu

At the Back of the North Wind byGeorge MacDonald

Atlas Shrugged byAyn Rand

Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin by Benjamin Franklin

Bhagavad-Gita

Book of Mormon

Brief History of Everything, A by Ken Wilber

Building a Character by Constantin Stanislavski

Centennial by James Michener

Charlotte's Web by E.B. White

Cheaper By the Dozen by Gilbreth/Carey

Christmas Carol, A by Charles Dickens

Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis

Color Code, The by Taylor Hartman

Color Me Beautiful by Carole Jackson

Common Sense by Thomas Payne

Complete Fairy Tales and Stories by Hans Christian Andersen

Complete Grimm's Fairy Tales by Brothers Grimm

Complete Poems of Hafiz by Hafiz/Daniel Ladinsky

Complete Poems of Robert Frost by Robert Frost

Complete Stories of Anton Chekhov by Anton Chekhov

Complete Works of E.A. Poe by Edgar Allen Poe

Complete Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Confronting the Myth of Self Esteem by Ester Rasband

Constitution of the United States of America

Count of Monte Cristo, The by Alexandre Dumas

Cross Creek by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

Cultural Literacy by E.D. Hirsch

Dark is Rising series by Susan Cooper

Dear and Glorious Physician by Taylor Caldwell

Declaration of Independence by Thomas Jefferson

Diary of Samuel Pepys by Samuel Pepys

Discworld Series by Terry Pratchett

Duncton Wood by William Horwood

Fairy Books series by Andrew Lang et al

Federalist Papers

Feynman's Rainbow by Leonard Mlodinow

Great Brain series by John D. Fitzgerald

Great Divorce, The by C.S. Lewis

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

Gulliver's Travels by Jonathon Swift

Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Holy Bible

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach

Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell

Josephus by Josephus

Joy of Cooking, The by Various

Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

Lessons From Great Lives by Sterling W. Sill

Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Lord of the Rings series by J.R.R.R. Tolkien

Magna Carta

Magnificent Obsession by Lloyd Cassel Douglas

Major Works of John Donne by John Donne

Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat, The by Oliver Sacks

Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Julia Child

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

Once and Future King, The by T.H. White

Papa Married a Mormon by John D. Fitzgerald

Persian Poets by Peter Washington

Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc: The Complete Version by Mark Twain

Peter Pan by James Barrie

Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard

Pippi Longstocking by Astrid Lindgren

QED: The Strange Theory of Light and Matter by Richard Feynman

Qur'an

Ramona the Pest by Beverly Cleary

Republic by Plato

Respect for Acting by Uta Hagen

Rip Van Winkle by Washington Irving

Screwtape Letters, The by C.S. Lewis

Secret Life of Plants by Tompkins/Bird

Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket

Shakespeare, Complete Works by William Shakespeare

Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa

Silas Marner by George Eliot

Spoon River Anthology by Edgar Lee Masters

Stories of Ray Bradbury by Ray Bradbury

Story of Civilization Series by Durrant, Will and Ariel

Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The by Robert Louis Stevenson

Surely You're Joking Mr. Feynman! by Richard Feynman

The Sojourner by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

Thomas Jefferson Education, A by Oliver van DeMille

Thurber Carnival by James Thurber

Tipping Point, The by Malcolm Gladwell

To Kill A Mockingbird by Lee Harper

Torah

Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls

Wonder Book, The by Nathaniel Hawthorne



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Mommy problems

For those of you who did not see my status post on Sunday on Facebook, it reads, "I understand. We all have mommy problems." (Overheard from one of Seviah's buddies when she told him she couldn't do what he asked because her mom said no. Totally cracked me up.)

Yep, funny stuff. Even after Kurt Dorkoven (yes, I went there) made a smarmy comment about how his therapist tells him that he has mommy issues and that it is always the mommy's fault.

But...my mind has been chewing on this and has been getting frustrated. So often, what Kurt said is correct, it is always the mommy's fault. Why is this? I have been seeing evidences of this all over the place. In one of my own situations today, I saw it strongly. Karl and I went to a follow up visit with a specialist who had done some testing on one of our children. Because last week was my big push week with tech week on the play and the performances, Karl had to take our son to this testing. Yes, Karl called me about a million times to get our boy's entire medical/developmental history, but he is a good, hands on dad and did a nice job getting our son through the testing. But today, as we sat in our follow up visit, the specialist sat there looking only at me. Hardly ever at Karl, even though he had a million questions. It was very clear that she felt that onus of causing improvement in our son was on me and some of the things that he lacks are my issue as well. I came home frustrated and decided I better make this a matter of prayer and study. So I prepared my study materials and said a prayer (admittedly a relatively whiny prayer), but before I even got up off my knees, the following thought struck me, hard. "Welcome to my world, I get blamed for so much and so often do not get credit for the good in the world." Oh boy, humble pie, a big slice of it. Then I opened the scriptures and got some more of the same. One of the first scriptures that popped into my head was one that came to mean so very much to me all of those years ago when, after repeated miscarriages, I feared that I would never be a mom. Psalms 113:9 was such a comfort and promise for me. "He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord." With this reminder, I was struck with the memory of the ache I once felt to be a mother and how grateful I was to finally have my children. Then it got interesting. As I looked at more and more scriptures I came to see that God puts a great deal of trust and stewardship in a mother. In Leviticus, he repeatedly invokes fear of mothers and fathers to get his message across, usually listing the mother first. And this continues in Deuteronomy and then in the Psalms and the Proverbs there is repeated reference to the fact that those who are foolish are the ones who ignore their mothers. And then the kicker, for me at least. Proverbs 29:15, "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." Oh! I see. I need to be a mother. I need to be right there with my children. I must not leave them to themselves. I have been offered the beautiful mission and opportunity to truly be God's hands on earth and if I use discipline and strength of conviction, my children may have "mommy problems" but I will welcome that and even embrace it. And one day, when my kids are talking about me and their frustrations and even damage they feel that I did, I will know that I tried and though their accusations may sting, I will know that I am in good company, and that God knows this same sting and will not leave me along. And now, I can sleep and drift off pondering, with joy and excitment, the way that I can tackle motherhood on the morrow!

Spring Cleaning

I have felt the need to clean, deeply, in many areas of my life of late. This week that manifested itself in a purge of my closet. I took everything out of that closet and laid it out in the living room where I could see it. I like clothes, it was a huge and daunting mess. Nobody could move in our living area and I had so many things to do that I was not getting this big task done in a timely manner. Enter Kate. I love Kate. Kate is my angel. Kate saved me. She rode in, on her white horse (in the form of a powder blue minivan) and hugged me and kissed my cheek and then scolded me and we went to work. We sorted and filled trash bags for charity and we talked and we hummed and we sang and we giggled and we had long stretches of companionable silence as we folded and I was not alone. And we made of my closet a masterpiece. But Kate was not done. Kate stayed with me and brought order to a number of dark corners in my home. I sit here tonight in a home that is not perfect, but it is better and I feel Kate here and I am not alone. I sit here, in this peace and study the scriptures and was drawn to the word "clean". I quickly found something intriguing. We are instructed to make ourselves clean, as clean as we are able, but it will not be enough. In order to truly be clean, we must be cleansed. We cannot cleanse ourselves. We cannot do it alone. Only God can cleanse. So, we start the cleaning projects and often get into a huge mess, one that we want to finish, but it is just too daunting. And then, when we are ready to just walk away or accept having to live with the clutter, disorder or even filth, we so often find that we are not alone. He who can cleanse, in whatever form He takes for you, is suddenly there and He is sorting and talking and scolding and carrying and moving with us in companionable silence and before we know it, the pain is past and we see order and peace. Thank you Kate for being an instrument and an angel and for allowing me the peace that I needed to study and find that I will never be alone and that all of the cleanliness that I desire is available to me if I will but begin the cleaning process.

Mother's Day 2011 - Warning, this is a downer.

For years, I have struggled with those women why so vehemently hate Mother's Day. I have never understood this attitude. I love Mother's Day...or I did...Today I think I might get it, just a wee bit. It hardly felt right to celebrate being a mother today. I was too tired to drag myself out of bed this morning to attend church and I had a terrible time getting the kids up when I did finally arise and then we had some issues at our home because of irresponsibility on the part of my children. My husband is not here and that did not help. (Although he did write a small poem for me...can you imagine? KARL WROTE A POEM!! He hasn't done that since the day he asked me to marry him.) I have tried to take on a couple of large projects to surprise Karl with while he is away and I fear that they are just going to prove too much and he is going to return to a bigger mess. And there are a ton of people who need things from me and I do not know how to meet all that lies before me. Sigh. I should go to work on those projects now or study something to bring me out of this shlumpy place, but I think that I will just crawl down the hall to bed and put this day behind me.

Anniversaries

Today was a semi tough day. May 2nd always will be to some degree. I do realize that these anniversaries are silly to some folks, especially a number of men in my life, but I find that I need to observe them. Because of who I am, I will never totally stop grieving those that are lost to us for a time. And there is a part of me that embraces these emotions. They are so real and cause me such focus and stillness, that I appreciate these anniversaries for the introspection that they offer. They cause me to not only remember great women like Kelsey and Kjersti, but also help me take stock to be a better woman myself. Days like this remind me that I do not know how long my mission will last and I must make the most of each day. There are those of you that I love that get uptight with the remembrance of these anniversaries, and I am very comfortable with your need to just grieve when you will. I ask the same for me, I need these days, they keep me both grounded and fed.