At Odds

I got up at five, before we got word that Malachi's bible study class was cancelled. I tried to go back to sleep, but I found myself lying in bed and thinking. (Yep, OH NO!) I was pondering on the article that a friend had posted on his FB wall and requested that I read. He is trying to help me kick my soda habit. I realize that I have an addiction. It is not my first addiction, likely won't be my last. I was also experiencing some pain as I was lying there and that made me mad and I scolded my body for failing me. My body answered and reminded me that I have done plenty to fail it as well. That set me to thinking on an even deeper level.

My faith, and so many other faiths are based on the idea of a resurrection, a rejoining of our soul and our body after death to a pure state. But I am not so sure that my soul wants to be back together with my body. I find that very often these two entities are at odds with each other. Or are they? Perhaps what I like to blame on my carnal/body side is just as ingrained in my soul. Perhaps I will never be fit to reach a pure state. Hmmmm....does my soul play any part in my addictions? If so, can I ever really overcome this flaw in myself? And if my soul is the better part of me, how do I tap into that better and use it to overcome my weaknesses? Will I ever really reach the point where I feel that I can call myself a child of God. It is so easy to see that other people are His children, but so hard to see that I ever had a connection with Him. I realized as I lay there that part of my job, if I ever hope to feel that connection with Him, is for me to find a better to connection between my body and my soul. I need to know my body better. I need to treat it better. I need to remember, more consistently, that my brain, which is the only part of me that I like, is only capable of continuing to function on a healthy level if I do my part to keep the shell that houses that brain in good working order. I have not had to work very hard at this. I have always been healthy. These past two weeks, I have not felt so great and that has been very eye opening. I don't like not feeling great, but it is my job to make sure that I do all that I can to feel well. I need to focus less on how I fill my brain and more on how I fill my brain's handy carrying case. I have much work to do. I hope that I can find the discipline to do the work and find this connection within myself and then perhaps the connection I need to God.

And now...I have thought and thinked and thunk myself right into needing a nap. My body says so...

Secret Languages

Today, two people that I love came very close to calling me an "oompah loompah". It was all in jest, of course, and I am certain that seems to be no big deal to you. However, that name is the worst of all possible monikers as designated between me and another close friend. It was a word we use to describe the few people that we hate and still smile. This got me to thinking tonight about the secret languages that I share with those with whom I have close relationships. As I started to catalog some of these "secret" words in my head, I realized that I have a large number of them and this made me smile. As I took this thought process even deeper, I realized that the use of this kind of "secret language" helps to provide the intimacy that I so often crave. Such words shared between friends and loved ones gives a sense of belonging and comaraderie. I need this in my life. I am certain that all people do, but I am so all about the connections in my life that these words are sweet tokens of that closeness and kinship.

Words are so incredibly important to me. My love language is "words of affirmation". My entire day, and beyond, can be altered by a single word. Is that bad? Do I need to adjust a bit? I often get hurt by words as much as I get lifted by them. I see language as an entity. I konw that sounds very strange, but I do. I realized this today when my friend Brian posted today about speaking Swedish with a couple that he ran across today. I saw the Swedish language as an entity, a friend that Brian has not been able to engage with in a long time and I was so happy that he was able to bring that friend of his out and embrace her again. (Yes, languages are usually female, except for Russian and German and a couple of Slavic languages...oh, and Latin...that is definitely a guy.)

So...as if y'all did not already think I was weird, I am certain that I just sealed the deal. But I am grateful for words and language and the intimacy and connection I have with those I love from the special and even secret words that we share. I am grateful that no matter how low I may get, I have an entire library of words that I can turn to and find comfort and strength and connection with people who understand, even if they are long since dead. (Thus my anger with Socrates. The nerve of that man to deny me his words, from his own hand! What a self righteous jerk. I cannot wait to say that to his face.)

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God." Even defines himself as The Word. Yep, even He understood the importance of language in our lives. And as I pondered this tonight, I realized that I would like to have a few more "secret" words with my God. I realized that I would like that kind of intimacy with Him. I think I did have just that once, but I have moved away from Him of late and I need to reconnect and that means I gotta find the right words to offer Him.

I am afraid that my words are the best thing that I have to give anyone, from God on down. So, whoever you are, if anyone is even reading this, please know that the words I give to you are never given lightly. I consider every word, especially those I write. Perhaps this is why I love Facebook so much. I am much better on paper than in person!!