Moods

Tonight I am in one of "those" moods. I just want to never leave my home or even this chair. I just want to read here for the rest of my life and never have to deal with so many big issues again. I want to escape. I wonder how long I could really last if I attempted this as a lifestyle? Would it really make things easier? What would God say?

Connections...continued...

I had a great day. I got to "talk" to a number of people who mean so much to me. In these discussions, I got challenged a bit and that was the great part. Yesterday, I wrote about needing to understand the correct balance to know how much I give to the people that I love without paying too big a price. Today I understand. I must remember that there are so many people in my life who do ask for my help but in helping them I gain as much as I give. So, I can maintain the best balance by using the spirit to best understand who God would have me help, because when I am helping those who God has guided me to, then I will certain to be balanced. WHEW!! Thanks to Karena and Corina and Darleen and Brian and Tam and Shane and Hailey and Linda and Michayla and Malachi and Kodren and Seviah...and even Frick and Frack...Sometimes it is stunning how blessed I am!!

I also discovered a sweet poetry site and submitted my first poem. A haiku. Most people seem not to care for haiku, but I think it is rapidly becoming one of my favorite venues. Using so few words causes one to really make the most of each word and that is a terrific brain exercise. My profile address is: www.allpoetry.com/Bookbabe in case anyone is interested. If you should happen to join up then please let me know your site name and I will read what you submit. I love reading other people's poetry.

Another night at home, me and the girls and the boys are spending the night down at the warehouse. It is great that the business is doing so well, but kind of a bummer that Karl feels the need to sleep away to stay ahead of the game. Malachi and Kodren have had a good time finding adventures out behind the warehouse. They are such great boys. I know that they (we) get teased at our lack of video or computer games, but I do love watching the very real adventures that my boys find, every day of their lives. Nowk, the girls and I are watching spooky shows. This likely means that I will not be sleeping alone tonight. But I am in an uber study mode so I would likely not sleep anyway...too much to read and study to waste on sleeping!

Still thinking of connections...

...so...how much should I give to those I love? Everyone and everything that I love involves a cost. I need to find a way to balance better those costs and not wear myself out giving too much or paying too big a price to someone who does not need me as much as another one that I love. I am going to take this to study to see if I can figure out how to bring the correct balance to my life.

Fair and so many other thoughts...

Fair 2010 is a thing of the past. And what a year. Five new belt buckles found a home here at the Egbert house, including Kodren's first buckle ever. Malachi was the shocker. My shy little boy has suddenly become a quiet, but confident, young man. Yes, there were tears when he won two grand championships in showmanship. All of the buckles this year came from showmanship. So, this year, it was the kids who made the grade and not the animals. I am okay with that. In fact, I am so proud that I could burst. It was a difficult year. Telling this program goodbye is proving very difficult for Michayla. I wish that she were less prone to cling to the past and were more willing to throw herself out to the future and new possibilities. She is so much her daddy's girl. But I do love the fair and the 4H program. I so love the people that we get to associate with here. There are so many great folks that we would never have met if our friends, and neighbors, the Bowsers had not talked us into that first pig and chicken. I am indebted to them, forever.



Part of the Thomas Jefferson Education is what is termed "georgics". This term has a variety of meanings, but it essentially means, for education purposes, working the land in some form, taking ownership of land and stock. I have come to have a real testimony of the importance of georgics. I have seen how such ownership has given my children such a rich sense of true responsibility. I wish that more young people today could have a similar experience. I do not think that every child should raise a farm animal, but every child should have some true ownership in something that matters. I just do not know how to make this happen in the world.



In addition to the livestock, this year, we all entered other projects into the fair, in the open class divisions. It is now a proven fact that Karl is in a class by himself. He entered the four cartoons that he drew for the kids as Christmas gifts. There was not an art class that really fit his work so they made one. If he is feeling up and you ask him about this, he will tell you that he won first place, if he is not so optimistic in his outlook, he will tell you that he came in dead last. Malachi came in second and third with his pencil sketches of outdoor life. Michayla and I both came in fourth, she in photography and me in counted cross stitch. But Kodren did well. He took reserve grand champion with this "Winter Aspen" photo. I am glad since this is truly a passion for him.



Radishes were our other entry. There were two radish participants, and we came in fourth. Now that is a feat! There is such a great story behind the radishes. Last year, another livestock dad, who is very funny and full of life pulled a hilarious stunt. He wandered into the extension office and was looking around and asking questions about the entries. The woman inside told him that it was not too late to provide an entry. So, he walked outside and went to the back of the building where the remnants of an earlier plant sale had been tossed. He pulled out a half alive pansy and took it in and submitted it, without anyone noticing. He came back down to the barn laughing and he and Karl were soon rolling at this prank. They kept sending me up to the building to see what the results were. Finally, the judging was done and the judge saw me studying the entrants. When I came to Brian's entry, she came over and whispered, "I am pretty sure that this one was entered by a special needs person. I gave them a participant ribbon and wrote them a letter with pointers for trying again next year." It took EVERY bit of my acting ability not to burst in to gales of laughter when she said that about the special needs person. I managed to keep a straight face long enough to finish a discussion with her (I knew the judge from my time in master gardener training) and to saunter out of the building. Once outside, I promptly lost it and had to stop at the bathroom on my way back to the barn because I was laughing hard enough for an accident. When I got back to the barn and told Karl and Brian the story we all laughed so hard we were crying. That is when Brian decided that we should all grow something for real and submit it in 2010. We decided on radishes. So, that is what we did. Through a series of mishaps, our radishes did not get shown in their best light. Brian brought a beautiful, huge horseradish and some tomatoes as well as extra radishes. He gave the extra radishes to another livestock dad who submitted him in his name and he ended up winning, with Brian's radishes! So, in the end, we came in fourth behind two bunches of Brian's radishes and a horseradish. Good times!



Sunday was the fun day at fair as usual...well..after the anguish. Sunday morning is that awful time when the kids have to put their animals on the truck and say that last goodbye. After that, it is time for clean up and cowboy church. Pastor Ed gave a beautiful sermon this year that really touched my heart. He based it on Proverbs 18:21. It speaks of death and life both coming from the fruits of the tongue. He challenged us to use words of affirmation when we speak to ourselves and in our prayers. He gave me much to think about and I came away grateful, as always for his friendship and example. After cleanup and a sermon we hit the fun. It began with catch a calf contest. Malachi and Kodren both entered, Kodren caught one. Then we had the kiddie rodeo and then the mutton bustin' and then the older kids rode some wild heifers and we had few injuries this year so it was all good. Then it was time for the greased pig contest. I love watching those little kids chase the piglets. It was adorable. Seviah is still too girly to get in there, like Michayla once did and catch that messy thing. This year we had a new event. We had a full grown greased pig contest with the adults, in teams of two. It was intense, to say the least. They nearly killed that 260 pound hog and got so filthy. And the pig was not the only thing dirty. Those guys pulled out all of the stops. There was biting and licking and throwing and everything in between as they fought to get their hands on that stupid pig. It was a great way to finish everything off. Then there were the hugs and tears and goodbyes, until next year!



Just a few more things...you see...my fair experience was slightly different from the rest of the family...they stay up and camp out, I drive home each night. Thursday night was quiet, although I did not get home until late from being down, helping with the business. Friday, Seviah and I got up and headed to Fairplay and spent the day and watched the pig show and headed home afterwards. Seviah fell asleep immediately and missed the accident caused by stupid flatlanders that closed the road and caused us to not get home until after 10. Just before I got home, I felt the stirrings of a problem. The carnival food that I ate did not sit well, in fact, I was seriously in trouble. Then I got home, put Seviah to bed and dragged myself to bed, but not for long. The donkey started braying, and I do mean braying and he would not stop. This got the dogs riled up and I had to get them both stopped before neighbors got angry. So I walked out to the barn and as soon as I walked in he stopped and settled down. But as soon as I left, he started up again. So...I decided to stay in the barn and just run into the woods to throw up, as needed. Then the donkey started in again...but he would stop if I was talking. So, I finally got the books on philosophy that I have been studying and read them aloud in the barn to the donkey. It was an interesting evening to say the least. I think that both Barney and I learned a great deal! It took me some doing to get going that next morning but get going we did. Seviah and I fed everything and ate and went to fair. I learned that prayers do work. I did not think that I could physically make it through what I had to face on Saturday, but I did and few people knew how ill I had been and that I had had no sleep. Although I did tell a few good friends about my night, and one of them wants to come and get a photo of me reading philosophy with the donkey. And it was a good day. I headed home alone on Saturday night and actually got some sleep, the donkey only went off twice and so all was well. And while I had a small relapse of my illness on Sunday, I ended the fair well. As I was driving up and down and spending time alone with my thoughts I really had some powerful moments of gratitude and peace. Each time I passed the place where Kjersti died, I realized how much I have to be grateful for and how much I have learned over the past 4+ years. I am most blessed. I am sorry to the Lord that I have to be reminded of this so very often, but I do know this and I am indeed grateful. Thus ends Fair 2010.

Fair Eve

Here we are, the night before the kids and Karl head up to Fairplay for the county fair. This is such a bittersweet time for our family. It is so heartbreaking to put those animals in the trailer and see them drive away from our home. And yet, this is what we have worked all these months for, this moment. This opportunity to show off the animals and show off the kids' showmanship abilities and make some money at auction. This year is especially difficult. It is Michayla's final year of eligibilty. This has been her life for so long and she is struggling, mightily, to let go. I am praying hard tonight as there is a very real possibility that her hog will not make weight. It is a grand champion hog as far structure and build goes, many have said that throughout her project, but if she does not make weight, then there goes that opportunity. This coupled with the fact that her steers have not finished off well this year is going to make for a rough departure. I hope and pray that she can cling to last year's double grand champion fair and get through the next few days. I will post results in a few days.

Connections

These thoughts are kind of a continuation of the identity blog of a few days ago. I spend so much of my time and effort preaching about connections. Connections in what we read and study and connections with people. But just like with identities, connections can bring strength and comfort and also a great deal of pain. So, have I been steering people wrong?

As I pull in and look to myself and work to rely on me and few others, I feel the need to eliminate some connections. I find myself wishing, at this time, that I had not made so many connections. I learned of a woman today who will be possibly donating a kidney to the young daughter of some good friends. This woman is approximately my age and has never married nor had children and is feeling that offering her kidney will be her way to offer life to a child. For just a moment I felt a bit of jealousy for her. She is totally in control of her destiny and there is power in this. Is the grass just always greener on the other side??!!

I spent some time at a local cemetery today pondering these thoughts trying to move from some very dark moments in my family in order to return and bring light to those I love and found it very difficult to move myself to this light. My friend, Darleen, keeps telling me that this darker time is likely due my just being tired, even exhausted. I am truly hoping that she is correct. Now, I just have to find some moments to sleep! I guess I better stop writing for now and get some rest RIGHT NOW.

Identity

I am struggling tonight. In my struggles I am pondering our identities and what creates an identity for each of us. A large part of the my identity was removed from me today. The congregation where I attend church was merged with another congregation. I am feeling lost. I am no longer a teacher of youth at church, Malachi is no longer a president of his youth quorum, and Conifer Ward no longer exists. A number of people keep telling me that this is no big deal, but it is to me and I am sick and tired of people telling me how I should feel.

So...identity...I am sitting here pondering all the various things that make up how I see myself. I wear a large number of hats and do a large number of things. Is this good? I don't know right now. I have spent the last couple of weeks studying the Psalms and I am going to use the message of those beautiful words carry me through my current feeling of loss and disconnect. And what is that message? That message is that my most basic identity is a child of God and I must put my trust in Him and that is what I have to lean on and hold to in the end. I am grateful for this and for good people who love me, even when I am an emotional boob.

Friends, neighbors, food, baseball and 4H!

We had a very full day. I woke up early and spent time with my brother-in-law, Mark. We worked on the family website and I wrote the first blog entry for the site. It was a good morning. We went for a drive and had a good talk. I appreciate his time with us.

After breakfast, Mark left and it was time for the Egbert family tradition for Fourth of July. Yes, we shaved the pigs. And this was by far the best group of pigs that we have ever worked with. The barrow even layed down for us! Malachi did get hit hard on the head when Kodren's gilt climbed out of the pig holder and the entire thing flipped. But it was really not bad at all.

Then Terry and Aileen Smith and their daughter, Amy Todd and her baby, RYA came over! Yeah!! The neighbors who live below us also came up. Karl had to use the tractor during all of the morning activities due to the amazing rain storms that hit last night. Totally washed out our road and our neighbors, so Karl did some major moving of dirt. He wore his shorts and TOTALLY burned his knees while working on the tractor. He is sore tonight.

But we barbequed and at and hung out and told stories and it was great. Karl and Kodren had to leave at 5 for baseball and Michayla and Malachi left at 6 for the last 4H meeting of the year. Aileen and Amy and I logged into Amy's account and watched four episodes of season two of Glee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is killing all of my girls that I have not seen any episodes this season. But now I am catching up. I am sorely tempted to stay up all night and watch the rest, but I will sign off now and get some rest. See my FB wall for photos of Rya eating corn on the cob. It is priceless. Maybe I will post a couple more here tomorrow. I was laying on the floor, eating with her, and I took tons of photos!

The blog post that I wrote for the family site told the story of my father in law and a huge battle in the Korean War. It was a nice reminder of how grateful I need to be for my freedoms and my opportunites. I love this nation. I love my neighbors. I love my family. I love my friendss. I am unbelievably blessed.

Changes

I am old. I never thought that I would say this, but today, I do not like change. And the older I get, the more change keeps coming at me. Today I learned of a number of things in my life that are going to change, drastically. I once loved and embraced change and even facilitated it. I am not certain why I am struggling so with this latest set of new opportunities. I am hoping that I am just tired (three nights this week, I never went to bed, including last night) and that tomorrow I will be bouncing again and relishing what lies ahead.

Helped to host the goodbye open house for our great friends, the Arnolds, this afternoon. My kids are in such deep mourning, and so are Karl and I. They will be friends forever, I know this, and yet, not having them right there will be a killer. Sigh. Icky change. They are one of three families preparing to move out of our church family, and I am struggling to say goodbye to each of these brothers and sisters.

Taught the youth today about David's fall. I hate this story and I hate this lesson, but there is much of value to be learned from David's mistakes. It went well but I will be very glad to move onto dear Solomon and Job and Esther and so many other great friends in the Old Testament. I am so grateful for those scripture friends. Sometimes, especially at this time in my life, they are more real that most everyone else around me.

Saturday in the mountains

So...today I am seeing what my diet coordinator once told me would happen. Those around you might say that they support you in this change and in other positive changes that you make, but then they sabotage you behind the scenes. I am not certain if it is a conscious thing, but I saw that happen in my life today. Very frustrating.

However, I forged ahead and I did get my exercise in today. It was great! I road my longest ride today. I went alone, because by the time I finally got away, it was really hot. But I truly enjoyed myself. I found that one can do a great deal of praying and pondering on a bike! It was a nice discovery.

I love padded biking shorts and I hate teenagers.

Okay, I don't really hate teenagers. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love them. But I did get royally angry at a few of them today. I went for my bike ride this morning. Alone, this time. Had to try out the new padded shorts. I love them. Don't take the soreness away completely, but the shorts, coupled with my butt getting more adapted will soon make a big difference. While riding in my newest and most fashionable attire, a couple of teenage boys came up behind me, they were jogging. They had some things to say about my appearance. I chose not to reply, just kept my dignity and kept pedaling, totally ignoring them. Okay, that is not the entire truth. I was working my way up a good sized hill and there was really no breath for a reply. But they did not need to know that. Let them think that I was just not choosing to dignify their crap with a response. Just prior to seeing the boys, my dorky teenaged daughter came driving by on her way home from swim practice. She had to honk and startle me and make a few snide remarks of her own. Stupid teenagers.

As I was riding, I passed a dead and bloating Ebert squirrel on the side of the road. It just broke my heart. I wish that those stupid fox squirrels were not so wily. They almost never get hit, and my little blackies get hit all the time. Makes me crazy.

I am running on very little sleep. But I am very much okay with this. I spent the night in studying and pondering and prayer and came away very empowered. About 5 when I am sitting at the first All-Star game, it will likely hit me and I will want to curl up on the bleachers and sleep right there. But, since I snore, especially with these allergies, that would be unwise. I came away from this flurry of study with a LOT of gratitude for my closest friends and especially for my God and being raised in such a way that I have the beginnings of a knowledge and even a relationship with Him. I also came away from this with a deeper appreciation of the Plan, the Atonement, charity and repentance and forgiveness. I love the peace that comes after a night of wrestling with oneself. That moment when you finally find humility enough to tell the Lord what He has been waiting to hear and He embraces you is what makes life worth living.