...it has been a crazy past few days. I have found myself in literally dozens of religious discussions. Some in person, some on the Internet, some on the phone, but there have been a large number of them, and some of them have almost moved towards heated. And tonight I have seen folks I love get testy with each other. So many people just work to be right, especially in area of religion. These conversations are not a surprise, when I began a certain journey five years ago, I asked for this very thing. And it has been a blessing. Over the past five years, I have learned so much and had so many wonderful people come into my life. I have met new friends, discovered amazing works of art and reconnected with old friends that I wish I had never lost. God has been good to me. But tonight, as I was studying, something struck me. I have read so many things, studied so many books of religious dogma and doctrine, of all faiths. I have fallen in love with Sufi poets, found new heroes and begged for the Holy Spirit to guide me to the next step in my studies, and have had that begging prayer answered. I have laughed and wept and felt as though I could fly and then felt as though I was beneath the dust of the earth. And I am grateful for each and every one of these emotions.
When I began this journey, I thought I knew a lot. I saw myself as well read and educated. I thought that I could make well informed judgements and decisions, especially about things spiritual. I felt that I could debate with anyone over scripture and come out ahead. But tonight I realized that I can no longer do this and I do not want to. It suddenly me hit me. I really do love each and every person who has offered me insights and new understanding. From Brad showing me the Sufi poets to Suman teaching me about the Hindu beliefs to Ellis bringing me powerful tenets in the Four Agreements of his Toltec faith to Andy reminding me of the spiritual warfare around us...so many people have changed my life. And tonight, I realized that I no longer need to be right, I do not need to prove anything. I do not quite know how to explain this feeling, and I am doing a terrible job, but I really just need to be able to love, to really try and see others as God sees them.
As all of these feelings coursed through me tonight, I realized that I have come to a place of naivete. I no longer feel educated or well read or learned. I just feel a tremendous need to embrace so many people, people I know and some I am just meeting and some that I do not even know yet. In our family, we say, in jest, all the time "Can't we all just hug each other and have a moment" (from Surf Ninjas, one of the best grade B movies ever made). We say it in jest, but this is exactly how I feel. Goofy, huh?
So...I am doing a terrible job of trying to explain this...but back to the title of this post. I am grateful for what I am feeling tonight and so I will now offer, in my personal prayers, a thank you to my Father for this naivete and I will also beg for it not to go away, and to even increase.
And yes, to whoever happens to read this...I LOVE YOU!
You explained it very well, Cynthia. Your humility is a good example to me.
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