For those of you who did not see my status post on Sunday on Facebook, it reads, "I understand. We all have mommy problems." (Overheard from one of Seviah's buddies when she told him she couldn't do what he asked because her mom said no. Totally cracked me up.)
Yep, funny stuff. Even after Kurt Dorkoven (yes, I went there) made a smarmy comment about how his therapist tells him that he has mommy issues and that it is always the mommy's fault.
But...my mind has been chewing on this and has been getting frustrated. So often, what Kurt said is correct, it is always the mommy's fault. Why is this? I have been seeing evidences of this all over the place. In one of my own situations today, I saw it strongly. Karl and I went to a follow up visit with a specialist who had done some testing on one of our children. Because last week was my big push week with tech week on the play and the performances, Karl had to take our son to this testing. Yes, Karl called me about a million times to get our boy's entire medical/developmental history, but he is a good, hands on dad and did a nice job getting our son through the testing. But today, as we sat in our follow up visit, the specialist sat there looking only at me. Hardly ever at Karl, even though he had a million questions. It was very clear that she felt that onus of causing improvement in our son was on me and some of the things that he lacks are my issue as well. I came home frustrated and decided I better make this a matter of prayer and study. So I prepared my study materials and said a prayer (admittedly a relatively whiny prayer), but before I even got up off my knees, the following thought struck me, hard. "Welcome to my world, I get blamed for so much and so often do not get credit for the good in the world." Oh boy, humble pie, a big slice of it. Then I opened the scriptures and got some more of the same. One of the first scriptures that popped into my head was one that came to mean so very much to me all of those years ago when, after repeated miscarriages, I feared that I would never be a mom. Psalms 113:9 was such a comfort and promise for me. "He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord." With this reminder, I was struck with the memory of the ache I once felt to be a mother and how grateful I was to finally have my children. Then it got interesting. As I looked at more and more scriptures I came to see that God puts a great deal of trust and stewardship in a mother. In Leviticus, he repeatedly invokes fear of mothers and fathers to get his message across, usually listing the mother first. And this continues in Deuteronomy and then in the Psalms and the Proverbs there is repeated reference to the fact that those who are foolish are the ones who ignore their mothers. And then the kicker, for me at least. Proverbs 29:15, "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." Oh! I see. I need to be a mother. I need to be right there with my children. I must not leave them to themselves. I have been offered the beautiful mission and opportunity to truly be God's hands on earth and if I use discipline and strength of conviction, my children may have "mommy problems" but I will welcome that and even embrace it. And one day, when my kids are talking about me and their frustrations and even damage they feel that I did, I will know that I tried and though their accusations may sting, I will know that I am in good company, and that God knows this same sting and will not leave me along. And now, I can sleep and drift off pondering, with joy and excitment, the way that I can tackle motherhood on the morrow!
I've had a bunch of "mommy problem" discussions lately...apparently, being firmly attached to the proverbial apron strings is in the top 3 reasons young men get sent home from the MTC. I was talking with one of my sisters about the balance between being a teacher and guide to our children and being loved. Along with other moms, we agreed that our role is not to be a slave nor an entertainer to our children. Striking that balance is a challenge. And moms do bear a heavy load, as we should. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture or their children, so say our prophets and generations upon generations of conventional wisdom. I've been struck lately by calls from prominent public figures calling upon mothers to raise "men," to be like the Spartan mothers who raised men of courage and honor. "Mommy problems" cover a very broad spectrum, and it is certainly a daunting role. I say you've done well, we can't be guides without guidance.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tam. And I am grateful of other guides, like your mom and other great women who are also guides for me. At our house, we call it "raising dragonslayers". But yes, I believe that we are at a point in time when we must focus on raising warriors. In both our young men and our young women. Different kinds of warriors, to be certain, but warriors all the same. Thanks so much for your thought provoking response to my ramblings. I truly appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts are more provoking than mine, I mostly talk about quails these days.
ReplyDeleteI've had similar discussions with my children who are either parents or who want to be. I tell them they HAVE to be better parents than we were. If they aren't, then we are just Nephites, destined for extinction. This is why the world is so bad today. Each successive generation are worse parents than their's were.
ReplyDeleteI remember how I was raised by my mother and provided for by my father. I discovered when I was 11 that they were not perfect parents. When I was about 17, I discovered they were not perfect people, either. Then when I was about 25, I discovered they were dang great parents and when I became a grandfather, I realized they were saints and I should have listened more. What will I finally discover just before my funeral?
Okay Brian, you bring up some great points here and give me much to think about. Chiefly, am I a better parent than my parents were to me? Wow, that is kind of mind boggling to consider. What about you? Do you feel that you gave at least as good a shot at it as your folks did for you?
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