Sunday, September 11, 2011

Now I gotta fix it...

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I am beginning to realize some things. I hate realizing things, this always leads to responsibility. Death, the character in so many of the DiscWorld books by Terry Pratchett has a lot of great quotes in those books. But one that has struck me of late goes as follows, "Humans need fantasy to be human, to be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape." This is struck me so deeply because I am beginning to see that I have been a fraud, living a fantasy, in many ways. And I need to move away from this and be totally real. But in stripping down from the fantasy, I am coming to see that I must make huge amends to so many people for not being all that I wanted or claimed to be. I have defrauded so many, where do I start? In Corinthians, Paul said, "But I keep under my body and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway." I have preached to others, but I have not lived what I have preached. So I am now needing to be, at least for a time, a castaway. I need to pull back and inward, I need to be real and I need to be what I really am, but I am afraid, for what I really am is deeply lacking. So...I would love some thoughts from others. What comes first, the apologies for not being what one claimed to be or the attempt to try and step back to the real self and start over and be real? I find myself in a conundrum...
Posted by at

5 comments:

  1. Kurt BockovenSeptember 11, 2011 at 6:26 PM

    People don't like change. They are going to react to your changes. They will either call you Miss Perfect or tell you they like the old Cynthia better. I would start with the apologies then pull back and become the real you. You will have saboteurs that you will have to jettison as friends.

    ReplyDelete
  2. CynthiaSeptember 11, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    I will try to see this jettisoning as a positive thing. It sounds kinda frightening. Thanks for the advice, Kurt.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Tony ScialdoneSeptember 11, 2011 at 9:40 PM

    I wouldn't say anything more about changing. It might take some time to get as honest as you plan to become, and you don't need anybody else telling you that you're failing at changing. Let them notice how different you are...how much more peaceful you seem...how things have changed between you for the better. Changing is hard enough without giving others permission to critique you. =)

    ReplyDelete
  4. MelindaSeptember 13, 2011 at 4:31 PM

    Amen to Tony's comment.

    ReplyDelete
  5. CynthiaSeptember 13, 2011 at 5:34 PM

    So...I believe that Tony and Melinda are telling me, in a nice way, to shut my big mouth. However, I know me. I will never truly change unless I have others around me who are watching for results. I am far to fat and lazy to do it alone.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)