Fear

Many years ago, when we were first married I trained to be a Master Gardener and then an Advanced Master Gardener. One day I was working the phones as part of the hours we were required to work to make up for the training we had received. I was approached by the new extension agent and she asked me if I were interested in doing further training to become a Wildlife Master Gardener. OF COURSE! I loved the classes and training that I had already received and I was so hungry for more. I was so excited. A few days later I received a letter from the extension office outlining the training that I would receive. It also contained a short resume of the agent. When I opened this letter, I saw one word...ARACHNOLOGIST...Oh no. This woman was some kind of freaky spider scientist. I could not do this. I had a total and abject fear of spiders. If I saw one in the house, I would scream for Karl or remain paralyzed in fear until it moved out of my path. Karl had a special wood turned spider smashing tool that he had made in wood shop back in high school that I kept always at the ready in case he was not there to save me. I did not want to go and take classes from this woman. I battled this out over the next week and my hunger to learn won. I went to class. And for the first couple of classes all was well. Because of our location, we focused on studying about the varmints that plague our area and then the large predators that we all need to respect. The third class was all about snakes and reptiles. I was feeling all big and bad as I was one of only two women who would handle the two snakes that the agent brought to class. Then it happened. At the end of that class, she announced that the next class would not be an evening class but a Saturday excursion up the Apex Trail to learn about the spiders of Colorado. I quickly decided that I would not attend this class. She grabbed my arm as I left and told me that I could not miss the next class, it must have showed in my face. I literally lost sleep over this. I was terrified. But I went. It changed my life. We hiked up the trail and she put a sheet under a large bush and shook it and a number of bugs and yes, spiders fell out. AND SHE STARTED PICKING THEM UP. I nearly passed out. She then sat us down while she held a variety of spiders and explained to us the various devices such as behavior, colorings, movement and web design that allowed these creatures to make the most of life and catch the most bugs. She then elaborated on what would happen, quickly, if the world were to suddenly find itself without spiders. Then she explained that there were really only two spiders of any large number in Colorado whose jaws had the ability to pierce human skin. In other words, there are relatively few spiders who can actually hurt me. Then she stood up and walked over to me and held out her hand, on which rested a large, very yellow crab spider (he had been resting on a wild daisy and they are chameleons who change their color to blend with their surroundings). She told me to hold him. That may be one of the hardest things anyone has ever asked me to do. She reminded me that he was harmless to me. After some coaxing, I held out my hand and she scooted him on. She told me to look at him, really look. So I got my face right up close to my hand. That caused the spider to rear up and wave his silly smaller legs around all threatening-like, just like a crab. So, I backed my big fat face up a bit and he calmed down and then he looked at me, I mean he really looked at me and we had a moment. He tilted his head to one side and studied me and I studied him and then he made himself comfortable on my hand. She told me to hold him while she finished the lecture. A few moments later, I glanced down and realized that he was in the process of adapting himself to match my skin tone. I know it sounds crazy, but it was a powerful thing and I was hooked. Yes me, the person most fearful of spiders ever was now totally captivated by one that was SITTING ON MY SKIN. I went on to hold other spiders and even her pet tarantula that day. It was amazing. I got home and stunned my husband by showing him that I no longer feared, and even LOVED spiders. He was blown away and spoke of how absolutely true it was that education is the key to changing our lives and making us more free.


My life was never the same after that day. I have tried to take this lesson learned and carry it forward. I have overcome other fears by choosing to educate myself. From my grandmother on down through a number of cousins, there is a vast amount of artistic talent, but I had always been told that I did not get any of those genes so I had never tried creating anything in the visual arts. Right after the spider incident and with the encouragement of my husband, I took a class in tole painting with oils and discovered that, while not wholly creative, I could make something that had beauty. When things began to go sour for my oldest child in school because of some regulations, I bundled myself off to a weekend long seminar with a terrific mentor and began a long term learning path that would allow me to take a deep breath and choose to homeschool my children, even while remaining on the payroll of the public school system. After 9-11, I chose to work to face my intense fear of Muslim people by studying their core book and other writings. This led me to a level of comfort that opened the door to me encouraging my husband to approach a group of Muslim men at a hotel in New Mexico (my husband is better at this than me) and engaging them in conversation. I powerful experience that opened my eyes and brought about an experience that I still cherish. This encounter led me to study the Sufi branch of Islam where I totally fell in love with the words of the Sufi poets, who express so beautifully exactly how I feel about God. These are a few examples of things that I have been able to face because I educated myself. But the big one came in 2006 when I had to face my biggest fear, the one we all face. I had to face my fear of death and of loss in a huge way due to a number of deaths that occurred that are beyond the scope of what any of us normally face. Because of the magnitude of these tragedies, I faced a life crisis. I had been raised in a faith in which my family deeply involved and I had always professed a testimony, but now I was faced with having to know, really know, if God was real and if there is hope for more beyond this life. So, I began the process of truly educating myself. I began with Genesis 1:1 and went through the core books of my own religion and then I branched out to other faiths, beginning with my beloved Sufi's and the Koran Qur'an and went through the Tao and the writings of Confucius and the Bhagavad Gita and the four agreements of the Toltec faith as passed onto me by my good friend Ellis and so on and so on until I came full circle and returned to where I had begun. It was intense and powerful but I came to a point when I could breathe and face death and loss as well as could ever be expected and I came to know less fear and more peace and stillness. And I came to know that there was indeed a God who loved me and had a plan for me and for all of his children. And I came to know that the faith of my youth was where I wanted to be. I know that there are some of you out there who may be reading this who struggle with this, but I am truly where I want and need to be. And, I came to know and love truth in so very many beautiful works and words. And I came to appreciate people and cultures that I had not yet understood on any level. And my heart was at first comforted and then soared with this new understanding and education.


The journeys that I have been on, in particular these past seven years, are not for everyone, but educating ourselves away from fear is a valuable concept. I realize that it may sound mighty silly that it began with a spider, but I am so very grateful for that spider and for God's willingness to put me in a place to face a silly fear so that I had a path to follow when a much deeper fear threatened to overpower me. So...what new thing have you learned today...

Women and the Written Word

Two evenings ago I was sitting in the show at EPCOT's American Adventure. In the course of the show, Harriet Beecher Stowe and her pivotal novel are mentioned. At that moment, a multitude of women's names and their written works began to flood my mind. I realized then that one of the best tools, through the centuries, for women to affect change is by the written work and history has indeed been altered by women and their use of words. And when I asked, on Facebook for people to respond to women authors who have affected them, the responses were varied and powerful. Here are a sampling of the women whose names and words raced through my mind. I am so grateful for these women and for all that they have done and for all of the women who have ever put pen to paper and have changed the world, on every level.

Sappho - possibly the first female writer to be published. Plato called her one of the ten best poets and although her works are chiefly lost to us, the few examples that we have show why she had such influence.

Hildegard of Bingen - She was rather a recluse, but she had a power of vision that stunned the world, in her day and beyond. Popes and kings and other leaders came to her for consultation and her words continue to influence today.

Mary Wollstonecraft - Her essay "A Vindication of the Rights of Women" was the tract that opened the door and pushed the feminist movement to the forefront with a very common sense approach to the need for women's rights.

Catharine Macaulay - One of the best, if not the top, historians of England, she also used the lessons she had learned from her study of the past to advise George Washington in particular, but also a number of our founders relied on her quick and ready mind and writings.

Mercy Otis Warren, Abigail Adams, Dolly Madison - All of these women, along with Catherine Macaulay used letters, essays and editorials to also add understanding and depth to the cause of freedom.

Harriet Beecher Stowe - Her books, and in particular, "Uncle Tom's Cabin" were said, by Abraham Lincoln to be a major force behind the Civil War and the change it affected in this nation.

Simone de Beauvoir - Her book "The Second Sex" brought existentialism and sexism throughout history to the forefront. There was intense reaction, positive and negative, but it was a pivotal work in the feminist movement.

Betty Frieden - Love it or hate it, "The Feminine Mystique" totally changed the world and I am grateful for freedoms and opportunities that are mine today because of women like her and her words.

Anne Frank - This young woman became the iconic figure for millions of victims and gave a personal face to so many silent voices. She moved the entire world with her journal. Don't tell me that journals are not important!

Uta Hagan - I know it might sound frivolous to some, but her "Respect for Acting" brought method acting to the every day and changed the theatre and my life forever.

Rachel Carson - Like other women mentioned here, she affected the course of politics and politicians with "Silent Spring" and offered an awareness of issues of science to the layman. President Kennedy spoke of how she changed the world for him and that caused change for the entire world.

Ayn Rand - "Atlas Shrugged" has been listed for decades as one of the world's most influential books. It is no wonder. It is a well written story as well as opening the eyes of the world to the dangers of government control run rampant.

J.K. Rowling - She made reading cool and I cannot thank her enough for this feat.

There are so many others that have influenced me personally, but that is even more boring than this list, which is likely being read by nobody at this point, but the ah-hah was powerful for me and made me proud to be a woman after considering the power of women, even in times of struggle for women, throughout history.

You go girls!

I am fascinated by centipedes. They are all over the place this time of year, here in Florida. (It is also lovebug season, which is a NIGHTMARE, but that is another story...) Today, as Karl, Seviah and myself were taking a walk, Karl picked up a large centipede on a leaf to show Seviah what they look like from the side view. It is so intriguing to me how they can look so cool, calm and collected on the surface and be making such great time and then you look from another angle and there is a helluva lot of work going on to create that smooth, rapid pace. But, despite all of those legs moving, it is not disorderly, in fact it is one of the most smooth and precise movements I have seen in all of nature. The way that those many feet undulate and coordinate to make such a perfectly smooth rhythm is stunning. I desperately want to be like a centipede. I have so many things and people that I love that I juggle and I want them to all get what they need from me in the most proper order so that I can keep a smooth and rapid pace through life. I have a long way to go, but wanting this kind of order is a start, I hope. As I walked and thought about this, a favorite piece of poetry popped into my head, as it so often does. (No more comments from the peanut gallery about all of the useless quotes, poems and other bits and pieces that reside in my head.) I thought of my very favorite poem by Robert Frost. The only one of his (except for the wee Zacchaeus one) that I have memorized. And I memorized this one because it makes me yearn and tear up and occasionally even weep or sob because this is the woman I want to be, this is what the centipede looks like, in human form. Oh, I love this poem and I am glad to have it pop into my head as I face another birthday in a few hours and contemplate where I have been and where I am going. I will spend the next year working to be a centipede or a silken tent! And here is the poem, for anyone who is still even reading this...

The Silken Tent

She is as in a field a silken tent
At midday when the sunny summer breeze
Has dried the dew and all its ropes relent,
So that in guys it gently sways at ease,
And its supporting central cedar pole,
That is its pinnacle to heavenward
And signifies the sureness of the soul,
Seems to owe naught to any single cord,
But strictly held by none, is loosely bound
By countless silken ties of love and thought
To every thing on earth the compass round,
And only by one's going slightly taut
In the capriciousness of summer air
Is of the slightlest bondage made aware.

Don't You Want Me?

I had a great time sitting with my friend Jenny at the baseball game today. I hate that I have some great friends that I only see during certain sport seasons. Jenny and I as well as my friend Jane and I have made a pact not to allow this to continue and we are going to make certain that we make time in our busy lives to spend a few moments together hiking or going to lunch.


A funny thing happened today as Jenny and I were visiting. We were in the middle of an intense conversation and suddenly Jenny's husband, Mike, (Who is also my friend and a great guy) got frustrated with a call from the umpire and said something to him. Now you need to understand that Mike is a stoic and quiet kinda guy and he is also the principal of the local high school and the umpire is one of the students at the school. So it was kind of a shock to have him say anything. The funny part is that Jenny and I both, in total unison, leaned back on the bleachers. I did not notice, but Jenny did and she started to laugh and pointed out our body language, our effort to distance ourselves from Mike. It was a cute moment as Mike rolled his eyes at us. But it got she and I thinking. This morning, Jenny had interviewed Michelle Dugger on her radio show (ChannelMom for anyone who is interested, you can find her on my FB, under my "likes". She does a great show). It was a good interview but Jenny felt that there were moments when she had to distance herself from Michelle's overt Christian language in order to make certain that all of her listeners were included and comfortable. Jenny and I talked about whether or not this is a problem. Jenny is a Christian herself but she understands the need to make certain that everyone feels included. She also takes great care not to get overtly political on her program. She has no choice where the program is concerned, but she and I both wondered if we do that too much in our every day lives. Do we tiptoe to carefully around people rather than expressing our true feelings? We are both strong women and have found ourselves in trouble, more than once in our lives, for expressing our opinion too boldly. But we do not want to be so careful that we negate ourselves or any opportunities to share our beliefs or the things that we have learned.


We decided that it is a fine line and we both need work in this area. It was a very good talk and Jenny helped me to put into conscious thought some things that had been pressing on my mind. I want to be a strong woman. But I do not want to be, in the words of my friend Jerry, "a cast-iron bitch"! I am also still struggling with my overwhelming need (right now) not to need anyone but myself. Jenny reminded me (as so many have this week) that I will become that cast-iron bitch if I do not allow others into my life. But there is danger in this, there is the real possibility of pain. This week, I found myself crippled by such pain and feeling so incredibly worthless that I was not functining. If I don't need people, this won't happen again. But that is more of that "distancing" that Jenny and I were discussing today. And distancing is dark. It is lonely. It is safer, but it is bleak. Sigh...I will cotinue to work on this, but I am thinking that I am going to have to want and need people, no matter how hard I try not to rely on anyone but me. Okay, rambling done. Time to rest. G'night all!

People Who Need People?

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is." -Jim Morrison

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu

Someone sent me these quotes today. I appreciate that they were trying to help. I am now trying to decide if I believe these quotes at all. Right now I don't think that I do. I have been reminded in the past couple of days that there can be danger in believing that one is loved and also in believing that one can love. We are human and I do not know that we are capable of really loving. I can see how badly I screw up attempting to love. I claim that I love deeply, but I just don't seem to get it right. Whether it be my appearance or the words I offer or even my presence, I seem to bumble about and just cause problems. I want to really offer love, but I mess it up every time and those around me pay such a price. As I was pondering my shortfalls today I wondered if Christ ever felt like this when he was on earth. I claim him as my savior and I tell others that struggle that he has felt their pain and confusion and frustration. So...does that apply to me? Did Jesus ever feel incredibly ugly and hopelessly clumsy? Did he ever have times when he questioned his every move and word that came out of his mouth? Did he feel a desperation about walking out the door of his home for fear of having to face others and possibly at worst, cause them pain and at best, be thought a fool? I simply cannot picture this when I think of him. I suppose that I am going to have to ask God about this and try to get a sense of whether or not I can find the humility to believe that Christ does indeed know about feeling ridiculous and insecure. Hmmmm...guess I better hit the books and my knees...again...

Tears For Fears

More reunion musings... Upon driving away from the reunion, Mom and I were both loath to leave the Valley. We went to my Uncle Jerry's and packed up and then decided to stop for dinner in the form of a fresh raspberry shake at the Red Baron Drive In. We took our shakes and drove up to Fairview to get a look at the old homestead and the old dry farm and finally the cemetery. As we finished up and finally had to head to Cokeville and were driving out of the Valley, I startled my mom by bursting into tears. She asked if she needed to drive and if I needed to pull over. I told her I just had to cry for a bit and talk it out and asked if she minded. In just a few seconds, she was in tears as well and we both had a good cry that was much needed. The tears were not all bad, there were good tears as well, but it had been a tough day for me. Mostly my tears were from fear. I am not a person who is often consumed by fear but I was at this moment. I am afraid that those tender kisses that had been offered by a few folks that day might be the last kisses I receive from them. I am afraid that some members of my family will soon have nothing more to do with me and are pulling away from me and from others and I love and need them. I am afraid that watching someone I have loved my whole life not know me is a precurser of things to come. I am afraid that I am not living up to an incredible heritage. I am so very afraid that I am a disappointment to those who have gone before, most notibly my dear great Grandma who taught me so much and my Lord. I am afraid of being the generation that must keep family legacies going strong. I am afraid of not being a little girl whose uncles and aunts and grandparents are always looking out for every day. And the good tears. I am happy that I come from such an incredibly beautiful place and such amazing people. I am happy that I am strong and have withstood so much because of my upbringing and was reassured in a blessing from my Uncle Jerry that I could withstand more and even conquer. I am happy that I have such fabulous children who are strong and level headed and always responsible in a world where responsibility is fast becoming a precious commodity. I am happy that I do know that there is a God and that I come close to believing that he loves me, even though I am so messed up. I am happy that I had that road trip with my mom and that we giggled and cried our way across Wyoming and had adventures and deepened our appreciation for one another. I am happy that she and I were able to be representatives for the Jack Harmon family. How heartbreaking it would have been if there were none from our family there. I am even happy that I have a bit of vocal talent, even though I am still gonna kill my mom for asking me to lead "Little Green Valley" and I am VERY happy that I forced her hand and Bev and Christine's hands so that they came up to help me lead that very emotional song to end this year's program. Yep, a fairly equal mix of happy and fear tears. All in all, I am glad I went. I am grateful for going home and the powerful restorative powers that are available to me in those little Wyoming towns. I am grateful to hear people talk right. I wish the rest of the world understood that a crick is where you swim on a hot day and that if one does not talk with a bit of a slow twaingy drawl, then one is letting the world and their words go by too fast. I am grateful for cousins and aunts and uncles that make me feel like I am not lost or ugly or silly (well not too silly) and that I have something to offer. I am grateful to love and be loved and as I write these words, there are tears again. I did not expect that, but I am even grateful for the tears. They let me know that I am feeling and that is what I want more than anything. I want to feel, fully and deeply, every day of my life. Tears and even the fears that they may represent make me real and I never want to stop being real. I love you all! Good night.

The First of Many Lessons That Must be Recorded

I have learned a number of lessons and gained some powerful insight over the past few weeks, with the opportunity to connect with family on both sides. I am so lucky. I am sorry for all of the rest of you but I am blessed to have the greatest cousins and aunts and uncles in the whole world. I am so taken care of and protected and I cannot express my gratitude. I plan to record all or most of the things that I have learned over the coming days, but tonight I really need to record something so sweet that occured today. Mom and I stopped in Kemmerer because they have an Artic Circle there and we LOVE that place. Fry sauce and Lime Rickey's are my friend. Anyway...as we sat there eating, we started watching a little boy who was there hanging out with his papa while his mom was working behind the counter. He was about 18 months old and he was not cute in a conventional way but was adorable once I started really watching him. It only took me a few moments of watching to realize that he was above average in intelligence and he was really crafty. I love that in kids. The play area where he was hanging out with his dad was an addition and had different tile than the actual restaurant. His dad made it very clear to him that he was not to pass the line made by the differing tiles. He was flirting with me and wanted to go past that line in the worst way. I was trying so hard not to be a temptation, but he was so dang cute. He would watch his dad and then he would approach the line and the would take his toes right up to the edge and then he would lean his body as far as he could over the line, just to see what Dad would do. I was totally cracking up. He would hold this stance for a moment and then he would give up and turn around and run around the play area and act like he did not care at all about that line. But I knew that he was still plotting, you could see it in his face and I know kids. He approached the line over and over and did the same thing, but he never actually stepped even a toe across that line. I was also watching his dad and I could see his dad becoming more and more relaxed as this game went on, secure in the knowledge that his boy understood the boundaries. Then it happened. He turned away from the line and started running around the play area, came back to the line in what appeared to be the same game, but he did not stop at the line, he just kept running and I am telling you, he was running with all that he had in his little self and he was fast! It took his now relaxed father a moment to realize what had just occured but he was soon in pursuit of the cunning little runaway and snatched him up. I was about under my table with glee. It was great. The kid did not even cry when his dad scooped him up. He just gave his dad a long, hard look and I could see that he was already plotting his next escape. It was such a great moment, I loved it. But then I got in the car and I began to think and what I recognize as the spirit began to work on helping me think and I realized that I was loving that performance because that was totally looking in the mirror. I am absolutely that little boy. Time and time and time again, I take my toes up to the line and I lean my body over that line and sometimes I almost fall with seeing how far I can go without actually crossing the ilne. And I am so prideful that I think that I am fooling my Father. I think that I can lull Him into complacency about me and when I get just prideful enough to believe that He is not looking, I make a run for it. I have even thought I got away with it more times than I care to admit. But I never really get away with anything. Something always comes along to scoop me up and put me back within my boundaries. Sometimes I throw a tantrum about this, but not often, I am not really a tantrum kind of person. Usually, I am like my little toddler friend and I just immediatly begin plotting my next move. Will I ever learn? I don't know. I have a lot of good people who I love and who profess to love me who are in place and giving me swift kicks in the butt on a regular basis, so perhaps there is hope. We shall see. In the meantime, I am so full of gratitude for an insane amount of blessings that are mine in my extended family. It is almost embarrassing, but I am not ashamed enough to give any of them up. They are mine and again I apologize to the rest of you who must settle for second best. Thanks for listening, keep yer stick on the ice.