I had a great time sitting with my friend Jenny at the baseball game today. I hate that I have some great friends that I only see during certain sport seasons. Jenny and I as well as my friend Jane and I have made a pact not to allow this to continue and we are going to make certain that we make time in our busy lives to spend a few moments together hiking or going to lunch.
A funny thing happened today as Jenny and I were visiting. We were in the middle of an intense conversation and suddenly Jenny's husband, Mike, (Who is also my friend and a great guy) got frustrated with a call from the umpire and said something to him. Now you need to understand that Mike is a stoic and quiet kinda guy and he is also the principal of the local high school and the umpire is one of the students at the school. So it was kind of a shock to have him say anything. The funny part is that Jenny and I both, in total unison, leaned back on the bleachers. I did not notice, but Jenny did and she started to laugh and pointed out our body language, our effort to distance ourselves from Mike. It was a cute moment as Mike rolled his eyes at us. But it got she and I thinking. This morning, Jenny had interviewed Michelle Dugger on her radio show (ChannelMom for anyone who is interested, you can find her on my FB, under my "likes". She does a great show). It was a good interview but Jenny felt that there were moments when she had to distance herself from Michelle's overt Christian language in order to make certain that all of her listeners were included and comfortable. Jenny and I talked about whether or not this is a problem. Jenny is a Christian herself but she understands the need to make certain that everyone feels included. She also takes great care not to get overtly political on her program. She has no choice where the program is concerned, but she and I both wondered if we do that too much in our every day lives. Do we tiptoe to carefully around people rather than expressing our true feelings? We are both strong women and have found ourselves in trouble, more than once in our lives, for expressing our opinion too boldly. But we do not want to be so careful that we negate ourselves or any opportunities to share our beliefs or the things that we have learned.
We decided that it is a fine line and we both need work in this area. It was a very good talk and Jenny helped me to put into conscious thought some things that had been pressing on my mind. I want to be a strong woman. But I do not want to be, in the words of my friend Jerry, "a cast-iron bitch"! I am also still struggling with my overwhelming need (right now) not to need anyone but myself. Jenny reminded me (as so many have this week) that I will become that cast-iron bitch if I do not allow others into my life. But there is danger in this, there is the real possibility of pain. This week, I found myself crippled by such pain and feeling so incredibly worthless that I was not functining. If I don't need people, this won't happen again. But that is more of that "distancing" that Jenny and I were discussing today. And distancing is dark. It is lonely. It is safer, but it is bleak. Sigh...I will cotinue to work on this, but I am thinking that I am going to have to want and need people, no matter how hard I try not to rely on anyone but me. Okay, rambling done. Time to rest. G'night all!
In financial and personal relationships, the greater the possible return or benefit, the greater the risk. Generally speaking. If you are stronger in yourself, you can better deal with the risks. Also the more experience you have, the better you can weigh the risks and make a better decision about what relationships to enter into or stay in. I don't mean to be clinical, comparing finances to friendships. Good interpersonal relationships are not tracked like a profit & loss statement or a balance sheet. The best relationships in my life did not include score keeping. I am tired and rambling.
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