I have known a lot of loss and have grieved a number of times in my life when those I care for have passed away. Now I am experiencing a different kind of grieving and I am finding this very painful and difficult. In the past little bit of time, I have seen the loss of a couple of very close friendships that I thought would be mine forever. And it is killing me. When one is grieving a death, you are not alone and you lean on people and cling to one another. But when a friendship leaves your life, you must stand back and watch as everyone else continues their relationships with the one that you have lost and so you are truly alone, nobody to lean on. I am also coming to realize that these friendships probably meant more to me than the other party and that makes one feel silly and needy and rather pathetic.
Interestingly enough, another close friend predicted these losses, so one would think that I would be prepared. However, I really did not believe that such losses would truly occur. I pooh-poohed the idea that friends that I cared for, to this degree, could easily walk away. Silly me! It is only the past 5 years of my life, because of tragedy and loss, that I have opened myself up to close friendships outside of my family. It has been a liberating and exciting journey, creating these friendships. But now I am also seeing the pain side of this equation, and I do not like it.
I am sure that I will learn things from all of this, I always do learn. But for now, I am being grumpy because I am hurting.
My goodness, if only I could be there to let you know you aren't alone! I think losing friendships hurt the most and the longest - I am sorry for your current loss. It's okay for you to feel the way you feel - even when you expect these kinds of things, it doesn't make the experience ANY easier.
ReplyDeleteConsider it a cleansing, a kind of chemotherapy for the soul. Chemo hurt and it makes you sick, but the alternative is worse. It's like having 1,000 Facebook "friends" Truly, how many of those could you call on in the middle of the night? I had a close friend once who I called at 2 a.m. I don't do this kind of thing lightly. He refused to come over. It really put him off to think I would impose on his comfort like that. So I called another person, who I considered less close. He got up, got dressed and drove 15 miles to be with me. When everything was ok, he stayed for another 20 minutes just to make sure. Who do think I plan trips to meet now?
ReplyDeleteWhen you ship is listing, you need to balance the load. Sometimes you need to toss the least precious cargo overboard. In times of trouble, you will see people's true colors.
Oh, I am seeing people's true colors alright. I do not believe that the 2 AM friend exists in this world, any longer. I once liked to think that I was a 2 AM friend, but I may be in danger of becoming too jaded to be that much longer. It is just not safe.
ReplyDeleteI am in one of those friendships now. Again. Where it seems *I* am forever putting forth effort and then licking my wounds. Then when I've had it, she starts being all friendly and doing wonderfully kind things. It makes me crazy. I'm ready to become a hermit again. I truly dislike being/feeling hurt and used. I believe all that I said to you in FB, I guess that's why I keep trying... She hurt me today, which explains the rant today.
ReplyDeleteChrist said to love others as we would be loved. Like he loves us. But he also warned his apostles to be as harmless as doves and wise as serpents. I do not think he expects us to be abused or used, nor to actually LIKE everyone else. But a person who purports to be a friend, should at least be willing to talk on the phone at two a.m., if not come over. Especially for a priesthood blessing request in a time of extreme need.
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