This week has found my mind returning over and over and over again to the same place. And today, with Jeff Davis' funeral and a blog post from someone who is important to me as well as a couple of messages received from friends, I find that I must get some thoughts down on paper. I have had a life filled with friends and acquaintances and it has been a rich life. But I have not really known what it means to have "best friends" in my life until very recently. Now I know. I do not know how I ever lived without having a very select group of people that I can trust with anything, up to and including my life and soul. Today I had some time to think and ponder what it would mean to me if I were to lose one of these people, through death or through misunderstandings or just me being stupid. Just considering this loss was overwhelming. It nearly made me want to sever ties with these people right now just to be in control of that pain. Tonight I am living in fear of loss and that is not productive, but that is where I am sitting. I preach connection and relationship constantly but tonight I fear just those things. I fear those things because I realize that there is opposition in all things and there is corresponding pain to all the powerful strength that is mine through my close relationships. Am I willing to chance the pain to have the strength and love and power that comes from my best friends? There are conflicting answers to this question in my mind and heart right now, but mostly I realize that I am willing to chance the pain. I need these people and others beyond this select group. I need people. Am I one of "the luckiest people in the world" because of this newly discovered need for people? Tonight I do not see it that way because I can see that I am close to losing a couple of those friends and just the thought of this loss is sending such pain coursing through me that I feel as though I am dying myself. So just for tonight I am going to wish that I could go back, that I could remove the ties that bind me so deeply to a few souls. But I cannot go back, I must face the pain and the strength and everything in between that comes with forming deep relationships of love, trust and respect. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

My Easter thoughts

My time spent Saturday among the icons at the Greek Orthodox Shrine in St. Augustine was a powerful experience. This caused me to take my Easter studies in an iconic direction. (Yes, pun very much intended!) So today I began by focusing my thoughts on Mary. Some of you know that I have a collection of art (mostly by Michelangelo) depicting Mary and that the Pieta is likely my favorite work of art ever. Those pieces were haunting me as I went to sleep last night so I got up this morning and pulled out my Gospel of Mary, or as most scholars call it, the Protevangelium of James. While this work is apocryphal, it moves me and I love it. As I was reading this short work, I was struck by these women of scripture that make up the story of Christ. My prayer as I began this day was for help to find myself and to solidify my role in this life and what I need to do to really fulfill my mission and purpose. I received powerful answers from the women in these words of James. First Anna. I relate so deeply with Anna (as well as a number of other women in scripture) as she anguishes over her inability to have children. And she begs and she pleads and she goes into a mourning process until she is finally blessed with a beautiful baby girl whom she names Mary and turns over to the Lord to be his servant. As I read, I remembered my own struggle to conceive and my own anguish and subsequent gratitude when children finally came into our home. And then there is Mary. I can make no comparisons or connections with Mary, aside from wanting to be like her one day. Her purity, obedience, fortitude, stillness and elegance are all that I strive for. Next we come to Salome. I cannot relate to Mary, but I can relate to Salome. I am so often too quick to judge and always too quick to open my mouth. Now I just need to strive to respond when I realize my mistakes as Salome did and fall to my knees quickly and apologize for my big mouth and the foot hanging out of said mouth. Finally there is Elizabeth. She comes earlier in the story but I saved her for last because today, as I studied, I received a beautiful reassurance as I studied about Elizabeth. She had the faith to bear John the Baptist and to understand his role as well as the role of Mary and her child. And when Harod's soldiers came to kill her son, she snatched him up and she ran. She obeyed Zacharius and did not reveal to him to where she was running and he gave up his life in innocence swearing that he knew not where is son was to be found. But she was old and she was tired and she could not run as far or as fast as she wanted, with all of her mother's heart to run. So she stopped and she turned it over to God and told God that she had reached the end of what she could do and looked for a hiding place and there was none, she gasped out the words, "O mountain of God, receive a mother and her child." And that mountain became translucent to them, and an angel of the Lord was with them and protected them. (Chapter 22, verse 3).

I want to be like all of these women, but I was given to understand today that I must be like Elizabeth. I may be old and fat and tired, but there is a way for me to carry each of my children and to demand, from the Lord, the protection that each of them need. It is my responsibility as their mother to make the proper request of the Lord and then move forward with them in my arms to take full advantage of that protection and guide them towards the mission and purpose that is theirs during this existence. For each child it will be different. Just as Mary fled to Egypt while Elizaeth took to the hills, both to protect from the same danger, I must find the path of protection for each of my children and they will all be different. And now I end writing to go and beg for the strength and ability to live up to such a task.

At Odds

I got up at five, before we got word that Malachi's bible study class was cancelled. I tried to go back to sleep, but I found myself lying in bed and thinking. (Yep, OH NO!) I was pondering on the article that a friend had posted on his FB wall and requested that I read. He is trying to help me kick my soda habit. I realize that I have an addiction. It is not my first addiction, likely won't be my last. I was also experiencing some pain as I was lying there and that made me mad and I scolded my body for failing me. My body answered and reminded me that I have done plenty to fail it as well. That set me to thinking on an even deeper level.

My faith, and so many other faiths are based on the idea of a resurrection, a rejoining of our soul and our body after death to a pure state. But I am not so sure that my soul wants to be back together with my body. I find that very often these two entities are at odds with each other. Or are they? Perhaps what I like to blame on my carnal/body side is just as ingrained in my soul. Perhaps I will never be fit to reach a pure state. Hmmmm....does my soul play any part in my addictions? If so, can I ever really overcome this flaw in myself? And if my soul is the better part of me, how do I tap into that better and use it to overcome my weaknesses? Will I ever really reach the point where I feel that I can call myself a child of God. It is so easy to see that other people are His children, but so hard to see that I ever had a connection with Him. I realized as I lay there that part of my job, if I ever hope to feel that connection with Him, is for me to find a better to connection between my body and my soul. I need to know my body better. I need to treat it better. I need to remember, more consistently, that my brain, which is the only part of me that I like, is only capable of continuing to function on a healthy level if I do my part to keep the shell that houses that brain in good working order. I have not had to work very hard at this. I have always been healthy. These past two weeks, I have not felt so great and that has been very eye opening. I don't like not feeling great, but it is my job to make sure that I do all that I can to feel well. I need to focus less on how I fill my brain and more on how I fill my brain's handy carrying case. I have much work to do. I hope that I can find the discipline to do the work and find this connection within myself and then perhaps the connection I need to God.

And now...I have thought and thinked and thunk myself right into needing a nap. My body says so...

Secret Languages

Today, two people that I love came very close to calling me an "oompah loompah". It was all in jest, of course, and I am certain that seems to be no big deal to you. However, that name is the worst of all possible monikers as designated between me and another close friend. It was a word we use to describe the few people that we hate and still smile. This got me to thinking tonight about the secret languages that I share with those with whom I have close relationships. As I started to catalog some of these "secret" words in my head, I realized that I have a large number of them and this made me smile. As I took this thought process even deeper, I realized that the use of this kind of "secret language" helps to provide the intimacy that I so often crave. Such words shared between friends and loved ones gives a sense of belonging and comaraderie. I need this in my life. I am certain that all people do, but I am so all about the connections in my life that these words are sweet tokens of that closeness and kinship.

Words are so incredibly important to me. My love language is "words of affirmation". My entire day, and beyond, can be altered by a single word. Is that bad? Do I need to adjust a bit? I often get hurt by words as much as I get lifted by them. I see language as an entity. I konw that sounds very strange, but I do. I realized this today when my friend Brian posted today about speaking Swedish with a couple that he ran across today. I saw the Swedish language as an entity, a friend that Brian has not been able to engage with in a long time and I was so happy that he was able to bring that friend of his out and embrace her again. (Yes, languages are usually female, except for Russian and German and a couple of Slavic languages...oh, and Latin...that is definitely a guy.)

So...as if y'all did not already think I was weird, I am certain that I just sealed the deal. But I am grateful for words and language and the intimacy and connection I have with those I love from the special and even secret words that we share. I am grateful that no matter how low I may get, I have an entire library of words that I can turn to and find comfort and strength and connection with people who understand, even if they are long since dead. (Thus my anger with Socrates. The nerve of that man to deny me his words, from his own hand! What a self righteous jerk. I cannot wait to say that to his face.)

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God." Even defines himself as The Word. Yep, even He understood the importance of language in our lives. And as I pondered this tonight, I realized that I would like to have a few more "secret" words with my God. I realized that I would like that kind of intimacy with Him. I think I did have just that once, but I have moved away from Him of late and I need to reconnect and that means I gotta find the right words to offer Him.

I am afraid that my words are the best thing that I have to give anyone, from God on down. So, whoever you are, if anyone is even reading this, please know that the words I give to you are never given lightly. I consider every word, especially those I write. Perhaps this is why I love Facebook so much. I am much better on paper than in person!!

Affection=True Christlike Love?!

So, in my studies this morning, I found the following quote by C.S. Lewis...

"The moment when one first says, really meaning it, that though he is not 'my sort of man' he is a very good man 'in his own way' is one of liberation. It does not feel like that; we may feel only tolerant and indulgent. But really we have crossed a frontier. That 'in his own way' statment means that we are getting beyond our own idiosyncrasies, that we are learning to appreciate goodness or intelligence in themselves, not merely goodness or intelligence flavoured and served to suit our own palate. 'Dogs and cats should always be brought up together,' said someone, 'it broadens their minds so,' Affection broadens ours." (This is from The Four Loves, for those who care to know a reference.)

Lewis uses this word "affection" a great deal in a number of passages in this and other works. As I have been reading these passages this morning, and in particular the quote that I just offered, I am on fire! This is what I hunger for and what I hope that I emulate in my life. This is what I feel that I have begun to discover in the past few years of my life and it is indeed LIBERATING! I love Lewis' use of that word "liberation". In so many ways, that is what I have found and I am so grateful for it. I yearn for others that I love to find similar freedom and peace. I cannot begin to describe the color that has been added to my life because I felt the liberation and allowance to explore beyond the limits of my own idiosyncrasies. In opening myself up to learning to appreciate all of the goodness and intelligence in other cultures and beliefs, I have truly expanded my own palate and come to realize that I can find truth and peace in all tenets, creeds and doctrines. I can truly say that I am coming to see that I can appreciate anybody on their own 'goodness and intelligence' without such a need for them to be like me.

This "affection" as Lewis terms it, is what I think the world truly needs more of, it always has, but especially now. We claim to be at a time of enlightenment and tolerance, but from where I sit, it seems exactly the opposite. And I also think I know how we can find it, at least I know how I have found it. I have found it through stillness. I was forced to it through tragedy that threatened to overwhelm me, but I am grateful for everything that I have experienced in the past 6 years because I was indeed forced to go still in order to survive and I was also forced to look beyond what I had been told all my life and truly search for myself and that has made all the difference. It has not made my life easy, and I continue to question, which is uncomfortable, but it has made it rich and beautiful and absolutely filled with incredible people of every walk of life. I am indeed an awfully lucky being.

Birds and life

I am here, at the beach. At my favorite beach, Vero Beach in Florida. It is unbelievable the changes that have been wrought here by the tropical storm that hit here over the summer. At first I was not happy, but then I had to step back and look at the power and magnificence that caused such change and I could not stay unhappy. I was too busy being impressed and awestruck.

This morning I went walking on the beach. It is a stormy day so I was getting soaked, but I could not stop. I just love it so much. I do not even know how to begin to describe the emotions that the pounding waves evoke in me. As I was walking, I came upon a flock of snipes, doing their silly little dance in the waves as they search for food. I love watching them. So I paused in my walk just to observe for a time. I noticed that there was one bird that was not quite in sync with the others in the flock. He was not moving as quickly and was therefore hitting the wave wake much earlier than the others and not moving as far down that wake. Then I noticed that he was missing a foot on one of his legs. He had only a stump. But he was finding a way and looked as healthy as the others, with that one exception. I was fascinated and so I sat down in the sand and watched more intensely. I was struck by the focus of my little friend. The other birds were goofing around and playing and occasionally eating in the midst of their play, but not Sir Stumpy. He was totally zoned in on finding his food and watching and gauging the waves. I sat there thinking that I need to be a great deal more like Sir Stumpy. I have a number of handicaps. I need to see past them and stay focussed and do what needs to be done. I need to make my focus NOT be the handicaps, but all the ways I can overcome and work around the handicaps.

As I was pondering all of this, the most beautiful thing happened. Something spooked the flock and they took off. And...lo and behold...Sir Stumpy could FLY! Oh baby, could he fly!! He was, by far the strongest flyer of the flock. And I watched as they flew and landed a couple of times and it was obvious that Sir Stumpy was the leader of this flock. He was calling the shots and making the decisions for this group. Whoa. Not only can I do better at not focusing on my handicaps, I can even lead. I can lead, perhaps not in spite of my handicaps, but because of them. And furthermore, there are balances for my flaws. Just as Sir Stumpy can FLY even though walking is an issue for him, there are talents that God has given me that allow me to FLY, that offset the handicaps and allow me to soar, every so often so that I am better able to handle the flaws that sometimes seem so glaring.

As the flock wheeled off, out of my vision, I found myself tearing up and waving a thank you farewell to Sir Stumpy and his family. I am very grateful for a rainy walk on the beach and a small bird who was open to teaching me a lesson.

Now...enough words...I am headed back out into the waves!

Sports

So...any of you who know me, know that I am a sports nut. Truly, a fanatic. So, when Karl got the anniversary issue of the Sporting News recently with all of its fun facts and figures and list after list of superlatives, we had a blast at our house with Karl quizzing me and the kids watching and contributing where they could on all that trivia. I held my own! My brain is chock full of useless stuff.

But one of my kids asked me a question. He asked what was the greatest sports moment that I had ever witnessed. WHOA! That is a tough question. I told him that I would have to get back to him on that. I have been pondering it ever since. Earlier this week, at one of Kodren's basketball games, I realized the answer to that question. I had to leave the gym, it hit me hard, but I now know the greatest moment in sports that I have ever witnessed.

It did not happen in Coors Field or in an Olympic hockey rink or even on the Cleveland Browns football field (yes, I am speaking of The Drive). This moment occured at a church, half court gym, pick up basketball game after Boy Scouts one night. I was watching the older boys, who were done with their activity, play ball. There was one young man there that I really enjoyed watching (think a young Steve Nash). And he was really in rare form that night. However...he was about the teach me what it is really all about. After a time, the younger scouts began to trickle in and asked to join the game. One of these younger scouts was a brother to this kid that I loved to watch. That is when I saw the greatest moment in sports that I will ever experience. I watched this very talented young man totally step back and work that game to make his younger brother shine. It was stunning. The younger brother was good in his own right, by his big brother's own admission, the younger brother had better pure basketball instincts than his older sibling. But that big brother WORKED that game to make his little brother look like the star player on that court. I cannot even begin to describe the magic it held for me. It changed my life and the ensuing conversation that I had with the mother of those two young men changed the way I parent my own two boys.

Both of these boys and their mother are gone now. It has been nearly six years now and yet I ache for them every day. And every day, they affect decisions that I make, all because of a pick up basketball game...well...not just because of that...they were a large part of my life than that moment. But that moment truly did shift my paradigm and make me a better person and isn't that what sports should do, in their purest form.

Thanks for listening!