This week has found my mind returning over and over and over again to the same place. And today, with Jeff Davis' funeral and a blog post from someone who is important to me as well as a couple of messages received from friends, I find that I must get some thoughts down on paper. I have had a life filled with friends and acquaintances and it has been a rich life. But I have not really known what it means to have "best friends" in my life until very recently. Now I know. I do not know how I ever lived without having a very select group of people that I can trust with anything, up to and including my life and soul. Today I had some time to think and ponder what it would mean to me if I were to lose one of these people, through death or through misunderstandings or just me being stupid. Just considering this loss was overwhelming. It nearly made me want to sever ties with these people right now just to be in control of that pain. Tonight I am living in fear of loss and that is not productive, but that is where I am sitting. I preach connection and relationship constantly but tonight I fear just those things. I fear those things because I realize that there is opposition in all things and there is corresponding pain to all the powerful strength that is mine through my close relationships. Am I willing to chance the pain to have the strength and love and power that comes from my best friends? There are conflicting answers to this question in my mind and heart right now, but mostly I realize that I am willing to chance the pain. I need these people and others beyond this select group. I need people. Am I one of "the luckiest people in the world" because of this newly discovered need for people? Tonight I do not see it that way because I can see that I am close to losing a couple of those friends and just the thought of this loss is sending such pain coursing through me that I feel as though I am dying myself. So just for tonight I am going to wish that I could go back, that I could remove the ties that bind me so deeply to a few souls. But I cannot go back, I must face the pain and the strength and everything in between that comes with forming deep relationships of love, trust and respect. We shall see what tomorrow brings.