Relationships, Recess and Righting

This past week has truly been something so far beyond what I can even express. And yet, whether I can express it or not, I find the need to write. In the book that I am currently enjoying the main character says, "This is where I think the writing started. The 'righting,' if you will. The righting of circumstances, the shaping of the world the way it should have been..." What a beautiful description of why I write and journal and why I push journaling so hard with those I teach and those I love. When I "write," I can so often finally see what is "right".

In a training that I attended over the past three days, I presented a mini lecture on Community Stewardship. Because of circumstances, I had very little prep time so I turned to my old familiar standbys, the scriptures, life and a few tried and true philosophers. In that lecture I used the following quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great men have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the absolutely trustworthy was seated at their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being. And we are now men, and must accept in the highest mind the same transcendent destiny; and not minors and invalids in a protected corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution, but guides, redeemers and benefactors, obeying the Almighty effort and advancing on Chaos and the Dark." Now I have known and used this quote for years. But this time, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been doing all of this grouching about free will and the importance of that in my life and the conflict that I have been feeling because I want my free will, but I also want to know that God is there and that He is in control and that He is aware of me. Well...Mr. Emerson explains to me exactly what I need to do and be in this quote. The spirit let me know, in no uncertain terms, that this was the answer I was seeking. It is time for me to be childlike in my submission to God, which does not mean weakness, but means real strength that will allow me to indeed be a guide and a redeemer and a benefactor. First for myself and then my family and then others, as God sees fit to send them to me.

There was a process this week that brought me to the place where I am tonight (well, this morning). I wish that I had written Saturday night, because Sunday's circumstances today have eroded some of the power that I felt last night, but perhaps I need to write now, in order to make "right" the entire picture, even the negatives of today. Anyway, I had the opporunity for a huge variety of adventures over the course of this week. I lost my boys for a week to scout camp. I lost my girl for a indeterminate amount of time to Florida. I got to attend a large family dinner. I got to see Casey, a cousin, who is just one of the neatest young people I know and I got to talk too much (something that I just seem to do with him...but nobody else of course) and I got to have fun engaging in a fun cause with him and his employer and I even got to introduce him to some of my friends and students. Way cool! I got to spend Friday evening with my angel sister, Darleen. We got to eat terrific Vietnamese food and then walk around Evergreen, the town and the lake, on a gorgeous summer evening. Yes, this was a huge refill of my batteries.

At the end of this week, I had the opportunity to attend a training that would give me a foundation for moving into using math and science more openly and comfortably in my teaching opportunities. Some of you know that math scares me so I was already a bit apprehensive about this training. Then some dark forces went to work and I really had to battle to get my sorry, lazy butt to the training. I had alerted a few folks that I was giving serious consideration to not attending and they went to work on my and I dragged myself to the training. I am embarrassed to admit that I was not an ideal student for this dear woman who came to teach me. I was distracted and distracting often silly and uncooperative. On the final day of the seminar, the dark forces that I felt I was fighting were especially intense and the effort I had to put forth in that battle resulted in a really nasty migraine. But I went down the hill any way. I continued to be ornery and less than helpful in the class and I even took a number of the attendees and ditched out for part of the day to go and see Casey again. But the dear mentor who was teaching just kept working and doing her best (and her best is really something). The seminar ended and I was reminded that I had agreed to spend the evening going to dinner with Misty, our trainer and a few of the attendees. I was pretty certain, by this time, that the last person that Misty wanted around was me and I was still suffering mightily with the headache and I came to the decision to bag out of the evening's activities and head up the mountain. I went into the bathroom for one last time and I got a text alert concerning a comment to a status of mine on Facebook, from a beautiful woman that I once had the opportunity to teach about something that I offered to her in a dream that she had experienced the night before. This was a very old alert, I do not know why it did not come through when she first wrote the comment...or perhaps, I know exactly why it came through when it did. But those words from Kelli softened my heart, very quickly and with that softening, there was an immediate flooding of spirit letting me know that I needed to go with the group out to dinner. So...I argued...for a few minutes...and then I went.

Now dear Misty had every right to not like me and to avoid me and to write me off. She did not. She sat down by me and she engaged in a light and fun conversation that moved in a stunningly quick fashion to a conversation of depth. In the course of this conversation, she came to convey to me that she is another one of my long lost sisters. She understands, truly understands, many of my dilemmas and frustrations and insecurities. And she offered materials and support to bring me comfort and strength and aid. And she offered me something that nobody else has offered me, she offered me time. She gave me permission to take the time that I need to heal and to grow in power and in strength and confidence so that I can truly reach the point where I can be bold and make real change. She let me know that she understands that I am not yet ready to do all of the things that I know I need to do. BUT!!! She affirmed to me that I will be able to do the things that need doing.

Her words, her touch, her looking me in the eye and testifying. Well...it was stunning. I am still trying to process it all. Writing this helped in righting this all in my head. Now, I should sleep and continue to work this all out. I am sure that will likely hear from me again soon. I am finding more and more each day that I must, indeed, write to see right.

A different kind of grief

I have known a lot of loss and have grieved a number of times in my life when those I care for have passed away. Now I am experiencing a different kind of grieving and I am finding this very painful and difficult. In the past little bit of time, I have seen the loss of a couple of very close friendships that I thought would be mine forever. And it is killing me. When one is grieving a death, you are not alone and you lean on people and cling to one another. But when a friendship leaves your life, you must stand back and watch as everyone else continues their relationships with the one that you have lost and so you are truly alone, nobody to lean on. I am also coming to realize that these friendships probably meant more to me than the other party and that makes one feel silly and needy and rather pathetic.

Interestingly enough, another close friend predicted these losses, so one would think that I would be prepared. However, I really did not believe that such losses would truly occur. I pooh-poohed the idea that friends that I cared for, to this degree, could easily walk away. Silly me! It is only the past 5 years of my life, because of tragedy and loss, that I have opened myself up to close friendships outside of my family. It has been a liberating and exciting journey, creating these friendships. But now I am also seeing the pain side of this equation, and I do not like it.

I am sure that I will learn things from all of this, I always do learn. But for now, I am being grumpy because I am hurting.

Humility is pride in God.

The quotation that comprises the title of this post comes from the Irish statesman, Austin O'Malley. It hit me with great force today, as I came across it in my studies. I think he may have hit the nail on the head, but I am still pondering.

I am thinking, a great deal right now, about humility. We have all heard the joke that once you are aware of your humility, it is gone and this is so true. I am trying to figure out just how we gauge this quality. In a dialogue with a friend on this subject, he sent the following definition. "A quality by which a person considering his own defects has a humble opinion of himself and willingly submits himself to God and to others for God's sake." Whoa! Those of you who know me and my philosophy, especially concerning education, will see the mentoring aspect in this offering. And we know that Christ is the perfect mentor and also the perfect example of humility. But I was really struck by the latter part of that definition, "and willingly submits himself to God and to others for God's sake". There is a sense of charity in this statement. I have spent years teaching young people the mantra, "I am nothing, except through God and through Him, I am everything." But tonight I am thinking that this is mantra misses something. This is still about ME and not others. I have so many things that I have found in my studies of this today, but two things really distilled for me, because this entire line of study comes as a result of feeling the need for humility in order to engage best in the spiritual gifts that we have been given. Which means humility in order to serve.

The first of these two things is the scripture 1 Peter 5:5,"...Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble." (I also considered the NIV translation of this verse, but I chose to use the KJV because I prefer the word "resisteth" the proud, rather than "opposes" the proud.) Peter continues on about humility in the verses that follow, but this one really struck me. Our humility is real when we are so clothed in it that we use our gifts and talents reflexively for others. The most powerful ah-hah for me in realizing this was that charity is truly unique to each of us. Charity is the pure love of Christ and in our limited capacities here on earth, we can only offer the pure love of Christ through our own unique talents, gifts and missions.

The second thing that was profound for me today is along these same lines. It is a quote by William Temple, the Anglican bishop/scholar. He stated, "Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all." Double WHOA! Humility is reflexive. I have preached to those I mentor (most especially myself) for years about gaining a "charity reflex". An ability to react to the needs of those around us nearly immediately through the spirit of God and what He would have us do. Today, I came to see that this reflex is not available to those who are being prideful. AND HUMILITY IS LIBERATING!! "It means the freedom from thinking about yourself at all"!!! I have a lot of pondering, praying and considering to do about this yet, but this feels very right to me. It is not destructive or demeaning, true humility, it is empowering and strengthening. And it is, indeed, different for each of us, as we strive to discover the gifts that He has given us and magnify those gifts, as we are commanded by "being subject one to another".

Thoughts....???

MIA

Yes Mandy, tonight I am in a foul mood as well. So...this will be reflected here. I am grumpy because I am missing people tonight. I am missing people who have passed on. I miss my grandma and my great grandma. I wish that I could talk to them again, because they would let me complain about the knuckleheads in the family. But...they had power, especially Great Grandma and she would then knuckle down on the knuckleheads.

I miss some people who I have not actually met. I miss Socrates. I would love to sit down with that little man and have him tell me to snap out of it and get out of the cave and go learn something and "stop trying to be a politician and please everyone, eventually they will kill you for it."

I miss people who are still around but because of circumstances or distance or something someone said or just plain busyness, I can no longer have them in my life. I miss my Russian literature buddy. I also miss the one who ran off into the sunset with my Russian literature buddy. (Those of you who know the story, I am sorry, but I do miss them.) I miss my sister whose life is so crazy (as is mine) that we just never seem to be able to be together. I miss those who have moved away physically and those who have forced to move away figuratively because I am a dork and I do or say the wrong thing, in the wrong way.

God is making it increasingly clear that the things that I need to face over the next period of time in my life need to be faced alone and that there will be more folks that will come up missing for me. I do not understand. While I am definately one who needs her solitude to stay sane, I so do not want to be alone. I suppose that the answer may be that He is inviting me to turn more fully to Him, and I am trying. But sometimes, I get grumpy and I get tired and I feel like I do my best to help a number of people and then I have a Ray Kinsella moment and I say, "What's in it for me?" In other words, this entire blog post is just one big pity party after a rough day filled with me learning just what a dork I can be! Guess I better go and find something POSITIVE to self medicate with (I said positive, Andy!) before I really dig myself into a state... Sheesh...

Whew! Trying to keep up with a fast moving train of thought...

So, I cannot sleep. This means that I want to either eat (there is a canister of vinegar Pringles calling my name), watch a movie, read, or play on the computer. I chose to start by getting on the computer. This led to a series of thoughts that I am still trying to process, so I am going to write them down. Feel free to try and follow along, but my advice is to RUN LIKE THE WIND!!

Okay, so I get on the computer and I check the blogs that I follow and I see that my friend Terry has posted something new. I check it out. Terry makes me feel so inadequate, she is funny and FILLED with moxie and she is so REAL. She just returned from Nicaragua, where she used her skills as a nurse to bring comfort, medical attention and aid to those in need. And in her day to day life, she is an in home care nurse who deals regularly with the terminally ill. She and I only see each other during baseball season, but I am better for having known her and I love that I recently found her blog.

So, I am sitting here reading her blog and feeling like a lowlife for not charging forward and changing the world like Terry does. Then, I see that I have messages on Facebook and email and so I turn over to them. These messages are from young people whose lives I have been lucky enough to be a part of, for a short time. They are messages of thanks and humor and they make me smile and then tear up. I am so not worthy of these thanks. I am, in so many ways, a fraud and a hypocrite. This line of thinking makes me frustrated and agitated so I walked away from the computer, said a prayer, an admittedly angry prayer, and headed to my bookshelves. I pulled down the book that I am reading right now, for the third time, Brooding by Andy Williamson (great book, I recommend it VERY highly). I start reading where I left off, reluctantly, because I am a place in the story when something hard to take is about to happen and I know it is coming. But then I read the following line, "Tyler also knew - despite his own anger and bitterness at the Lord - that he had just been used by Him to help this lost girl find her way. This fact greatly humbled Tyler and shook him to the center of his being." Oh...yeah...

As I sat there considering this sentence, I was suddenly reminded of something that ugly little dude that so often pops into my head said, yep, Socrates. I pull down Plato off the shelf and start searching for what is niggling at the back of my mind and I finally locate it in "Apology". The quote is as follows, "The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be."

Oh, okay...I get it, God. I need to find the humility to realize that as broken and twisted and screwed up as I often am, I can still be an instrument for You. I can find honor in being what I pretend to be and what I want to be, even if I am not perfect at it. And in so doing, I can do some good and I can be an instrument.

I offered words, along the lines of that previous paragraph in a much less angry prayer and felt that familiar tug of the spirit to return to the book I was reading. I started flipping through the pages and came across a passage that I had marked that lit up like a neon sign. These are the words that God offers to the heart of one of the characters in the book. "Do not confuse your perception of yourself with how I perceive you. Don't confuse my love for you with your fickle love for Me. I love you as you are - not as you should be. Accept the fact that you are accepted. You are my beloved child. I delight in you. Trust me."

Whoa...now there are real tears, the good kind...I love these kinds of processes where I can see connections and move from anger and agitation to feeling loved and of worth. Of late, feeling that kind of worth has been difficult for me and so I appreciate, with all of my heart, the peace that is mine, at this moment. Now...I think I can sleep...

The hills are alive with the sound of...mantras...

Every day I try to get out of bed and face the hill shown in my photo. It looks so tame in this shot, I am kinda embarrassed, but it is a tough haul for me in the morning (there is a bend, it is twice as long as I can show in this photo). Most days it takes all three of my inspirational women, Boudica, Sarah Connor and Trinity and all of their combined muscle and a lot of swearing to get me out of bed, but I try. And I am always rewarded. See the gorgeous shot of the clouds enveloping Mt. Rosalie that I get to see on my way back each day, as the sun is rising.

I have a number of very steep and rocky "hills" that I am facing in my personal life. I cannot talk about openly these on my blog but they are always with me, especially on my still, morning walks. Today as I walked I contemplated the fact that Kate keeps bugging me to come up with a mantra. Yesterday, after reading my blog post about my exercise inspirations, I got a message from a friend, telling me that he also thought I needed a mantra and he had a suggestion for me. "DON'T TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY". Hmmmm...been chewing on that ever since. And I like it! It works for me because "anybody" can mean myself and right on down the line to everyone else in my life. And it is short and to. the. point! (Side note: I was raised with ranchers and drillers, my language can be colorful. But as my friend Curtis' grandfather used to posit, 'God does not count it as swearing when there are cattle or machines involved.' Well, I am certainly a cow, so I am thinking that this exempts me from being held accountable for this...)

So...now I have a mantra as I face the hills in my life. I am going to try it out today. I believe that I do need that default in my brain to keep myself from being overwhelmed and to shock me into keeping my head clear and to plan and face whatever it is that God is going to ask me to face.

Motivation

I am working so hard right now to try and get myself in shape and get a handle on the weight monster. I Have made some progress this week and I am pleased with the progress. I was thinking about the three photos that I have posted for myself as inspiration as I work towards being healthy. They are a photo of a painting of Boudica and one of Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor in Terminator and one of Carrie-Anne Moss as Trinity in Matrix. As I was contemplating these tonight as I was on the eliptical, something struck me. Yes, I posted these photos because of the physique of these women, but I realized tonight that there is a great deal more to these choices for me. I want to be like these women (characters). I want the strength that they exhibit. There is Boudica, queen of the Iceni, revenging the rape of her daughters and fighting the Roman invasion and coming much closer to this goal than anyone ever would have believed. Then there is Sarah Connor protecting her son and the entire human race. Same thing with Trinity, with the added spiritual element and belief in prophesy and mission that she offers. As I work to improve myself, I want to do so for health, but more than that, I want to do this for empowerment and strength of purpose.

I have to say how much I appreciate great characters. In books, in movies, and in some television programs, I have found inspiration and drive. This week I have been introduced to some very real characters, in a great novel and I am so grateful tonight for the motivation that I am finding there as well. Now...enough rambling...back to work!

(See Roxanne, this post does lend itself more towards the sill side of things...)