It is in my genes...

Yesterday I did get my Christmas early. It is a new weapon. We went into the new Big R store in Conifer for the grand opening and I finally found the handgun that I really can get excited about, after years of pondering and looking. And I did punish the boys with it in our target practice. But that is not what this blog post is about, not really.

I mentioned the background check on my FB wall and got an interesting thread that included me and my cousin, Jennie, discussing our handgun choices and her husband's recommendations (he is in law enforcement). This led to the following post, from another cousin, David Price..."The conversation between Jennie and Cynthia reminds me of the advice given by Great Grandma Estella Harmon to her oldest son Jack when he left home to work on a ranch in Cokeville. "Watch out for those wild Cokeville girls". That blood runs true..."

David said the very thing that would mean most to me in the world. Nothing could be more wonderful to me than to be one of "those wild Cokeville girls". I would love to think that I could emulate my grandma, Lydia, who saved all of the other women at the hunting camp one year by disposing of a pesky porcupine! These are the stories I grew up with. These are the great women who raised me. A bunch of wild Cokeville girls. (And of course, the refined Afton gentlewoman who offered that warning, my Great Grandma Mary Estella Brown Harmon, my hero.) I want to be like these women, the women who carved out a life in what was essentially wilderness. I want to be able to take care of those around me with such fortitude and reflex as the women from whom I am descended. They seldom had the luxury of pondering and weighing and journaling a decision, they just had to act and they very rarely gave their choices a second thought. I need better reflexes.

However, I have pondered and studied this for many years. I have come to believe that these "reflexes" are in me. They are somewhat atrophied and rusty from lack of use. But I truly do think that we carry some or even much inherited memory that allows us to build and grow on previous generations. Yes, as my friend Helen and I frequently discuss, along with those positives, come the carried forward negatives as well and it is up to us to be a cleansing generation, as much as we are able, for the negatives. But we, or at least I, need to really consider the inherited memories or reflexes that are mine and utilize them more fully. In fact, I have even come to believe that as we work to eliminate the negatives from the past generations and utilize the positives that carry forth in each of us, that those who have passed on are engaged in the fight with us and will be there to carry us and help us along.

May we all strive to utilize fully all that we have been offered from those who went before is my prayer right now. Thanks for listening!

Signed, A Wild Cokeville Gal.

Fear

I cannot seem to get away from fear right now. All that I am doing seems to be fear motivated. And fear is not a motivator for long term change. But the world is such a scary place. My friend, Andy's far too close a brush with death, the revelations that continue to pour out from Penn State, the concern I have had about taking my kids downtown, something we used to like to do before Civic Center Park was "occupied", the aging I feel in my body, the many people around me who need me and who I cannot be there for, not as well as I should, the fact that there is NOBODY running for president that I care to vote for, in any party, the constant reality hanging over me that I am not all that I profess or hope to be. So many things in all of our lives that just seem so overwhelming. Now...the real problem...I know exactly what I would say to someone else who said the things that I just said and I do NOT want to hear them. I do NOT believe them right now. God is just a concept and the Word is just that, words on a page. This, of course, adds to the fear. I realize that I will cycle out of this and will soon be working from anger and then from other emotions and then from testimony and I will be okay again, but for now fear is ruling my life.

In an effort to move past the fear, I have joined that program that Reesha has been touting for some time now, myfitnesspal.com. (Such a gift that something this great is free.) It is offering me some control in some part of my life and that is helping. It is true that there is less fear when one has knowledge and is making choices based on real knowledge. One step at a time. Hopefully, taking this step will bring me out of fear in other areas as well...

Wounds and scars

"Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed, you endured the pain and God has healed you." (I cannot find an author for this quote.) A friend and I have been in a dialogue about this quote. At first, we both appreciated the quote and then we both began to doubt whether there are truly scars left behind if God is the healer. Now, however, I am back to believing that scars are necessary. I am all about mentoring and mentoring is all about receiving guidance from one who has already walked the path that you are walking. So...perhaps those scars that we carry are a way for others to recognize that we have walked a certain path or have defeated a certain foe or battled a certain battle. Then they can be drawn to us or vice versa when we need to be a mentor or to find a mentor. Perhaps our scars are necessary to make us better instruments in God's hands.

I am seeing a couple of people I love very much dealing with old wounds right now. And I am being reminded that so often, we can do all the right things, but the choices of others or physical/chemical issues or the simple workings of life mean that we cannot totally close some wounds. We cannot control others or vicissitudes of life or sometimes even the physical/chemical imbalances. So, if we cannot control these things, what do we do to heal? How do we repent if another's bitterness means that we are not allowed to be free of past mistakes? Many who may read this would answer with the word "God" and I cannot argue with that, but I want more than just that one word. I realize that I am tired and I am stubborn and ornery and I am near to allowing my own bitterness at the pain I see in those I love overwhelm me. But I am still open to answers and to dialogue and to trying to find some peace. Any thoughts out there...

Again...the power of words.

What do we do when those people, whose opinion means so much to us, use the things that we share with them or the things that are most dear to our hearts against us? And why do those who should most look out for our interests and cherish our hearts often choose to see only our weaknesses and never our strengths? AND WHY DO I SO OFTEN DO THESE EXACT SAME THINGS TO THOSE THAT I SHOULD BE CHERISHING? Okay, I do not use others words against them very often. Words are too precious to me. But I do, too often, choose to see the weaknesses of others instead of focusing on their strengths. I believe that this is a huge part of charity. And I want to not only be a loving person but I want to move that love to the point of charity. Karl and I have a theory on the "charity reflex" that we would like to develop. This is the ability to be in tune enough to know when we need to help others, especially to be aware enough to know when we are in a time and place to use our talents and abilities to do work that is our particular mission here on earth. Some of the best moments of my life are when I have made a connection with a friend, old or new, and learned that I was an instrument of the higher powers and I really and truly brought them just what they needed at that time in their life. Wouldn't it be grand if we could feel that, even a little bit, every day of our lives? I have done so many things to hurt the ones I love the most and I cannot change this but I can work to have fervent charity. After all, Peter promises us in 1 Peter 4:8 "And above all else have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." Heaven knows that I have a multitude of sins to cover, so I had better get off of here and get to work.

My Identity

I cannot sleep. Yeah, I know, big surprise. But as I lay here, reviewing the day, and pondering all of the hats that I wear, I am trying to decide just what I am. I was up at 4:45 getting things and kids ready for the day and preparing to drive Malachi to seminary, I am an alarm clock and a taxi service. I spent the day pondering on the life and loss of dear friends. I am one who grieves. I prepared paperwork at the warehouse and met with the accountant. I am a business owner and bookkeeper. I taught/mentored young people today. I am a teacher and a mentor. I met an intriguing young man today at lunch and had a tremendous discussion on literature, music, and world views. I am a scholar. I received a fabulous, first of its kind piece of jewelry and got even more excited about upcoming events and opportunities for my friend Andy. I like to think I am a friend and, hopefully, a promoter. I had a number of Facebook, text, phone, and email exchanges, some serious, some silly, with people I love, even people who are as dear to me as family, who understand what I grieve and struggle with and vice versa. I am a confidante, no I am a giver and a taker, that is a better phrase. I received a request from another speech coach for a drama interp piece. I am a coach. (And, by the way, if any of you from Strasburg are reading this, I do have the piece and will get it to Ginia.) I returned to the warehouse, where I helped with computer stuff and aided Karl with some customer inquiries and phone calls. I am a wife. I am an IT guy. I checked out for a half hour on the couch in the back room to get ahead of a whopper of a headache. I am, occasionally, a migraine sufferer. I grumped about all that I had to do with anyone who would listen. I am a whiner. I can count, without much effort, 8 times today that I was asked about books or a piece of literature. I am a reader, nay, a book addict. I gave a lot of great advice and used a lot of good words today that I do not live by myself. I am a liar, a cheat, and a fraud. I made the decision to stay down at the warehouse with Malachi and Seviah tonight and so we giggled over food at Noodles and Company and then Red Boxed "Thor" (which I loved, even if I struggled to stay awake and alert). I am a mom. I am a movie freak. And now, I sit at the computer, desperate for the sleep that is eluding me. I am an insomniac. I have no good remedy for the insomnia, so I am going to wrap this up and try prayer. I am a daughter of God.

So...this is not all...but it is a good sampling. And how do I feel about all of these labels? Which one(s)come nearest to being my true identifier(s). If I had to prioritize these labels, how would that look? Which labels do I need to tweak? Which ones do I need to adjust? Which ones do I need to lose? This I do not know for sure but I needed to get this down on paper in order to clarify my mind enough to face these questions.

Now I gotta fix it...

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I am beginning to realize some things. I hate realizing things, this always leads to responsibility. Death, the character in so many of the DiscWorld books by Terry Pratchett has a lot of great quotes in those books. But one that has struck me of late goes as follows, "Humans need fantasy to be human, to be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape." This is struck me so deeply because I am beginning to see that I have been a fraud, living a fantasy, in many ways. And I need to move away from this and be totally real. But in stripping down from the fantasy, I am coming to see that I must make huge amends to so many people for not being all that I wanted or claimed to be. I have defrauded so many, where do I start? In Corinthians, Paul said, "But I keep under my body and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway." I have preached to others, but I have not lived what I have preached. So I am now needing to be, at least for a time, a castaway. I need to pull back and inward, I need to be real and I need to be what I really am, but I am afraid, for what I really am is deeply lacking. So...I would love some thoughts from others. What comes first, the apologies for not being what one claimed to be or the attempt to try and step back to the real self and start over and be real? I find myself in a conundrum...

Rambling observations from my weekend.

This past Saturday, two young couples that I adore were sealed in marriage. I dearly wished that I could have been in two places at once so that I could have been witness to both of these ceremonies, but that was not possible. But as I sat in the sealing room, sending my love to Daniel and Samantha as I observed the sealing of Loni and Malcolm, I was filled with gratitude for the privilege if having people like Loni and Daniel and now Malcolm and Samantha in my life. And their families, how I love their families. Both of these young people went through struggles to get to that altar on Saturday. Some of these struggles were theirs alone and some of these struggles involved other members of their family. But not once in ANY of those struggles was there a moment when someone wasn't praying for those individuals and those families. A lot of somebodies, as a matter of fact. As I considered this, I was, not so gently, reminded that this is the case for me as well. I am in the midst of some struggles. But I truly do get stronger every day and I still find that I learn something new every day. As this reminder was handed to me a previous temple experience washed over me and I knew, I just knew, as I have known before, but seem to need constant reminding, that I am not alone. In that moment a haiku popped into my head (yes, the one I posted last night) and I was also reminded that I have talents and abilities that also ensure that I am not alone, that none of us are alone if we use those talents to benefit others and remind them that they are not alone and that they are loved. If we do this, we will be guaranteed to feel less alone. And I can even use my talents for myself to help me remember what is real.

I saw examples of this in abundance this past weekend. A whole lotta people sharing talents to make others feel important and cherished. When the three Boyd boys (shut up, they will always be boys) sang together the perfect lyrics that Brian wrote for Loni, there was a true sense of love and comradery that just flooded the room. I think that what I felt in that room at that moment is what the eternity that we all want will feel like. Rooms filled with people who are loving and laughing and joined through common bonds of experience and struggle and prayer and weeping and sacrifice and pain even anguish, but in the end, having pushed through, then there will be just peace and joy. Perhaps that is what someone who has been sent to help me at this time in my life meant when he told me to just be Cynthia and just be out there and be honest and real and allow others to share both my laughter and my pain. Perhaps this was due to the need for common bonds that will join me to others who will pray for me and mine and who do indeed understand and who will one day share laughter and joy with me in peace. I hope so because I am taking his advice.