Looking back, I can see that there were a number of small occurrences throughout this week that led me to this moment and the peace I now feel, moments good and bad. I am grateful for each of the things that drove me out of the door of the house this afternoon, sobbing. I was so overwhelmed and beat down and just felt, down to my very core, that I was never gonna say or do the right thing for those who most depend upon me, including myself. That is a dark place. Thank heaven for the voices of those who have been guiding me that pushed me out and walking as a way to cope and manage. I headed out into this blissful false spring that we are enjoying in the mountains of Colorado right now and struck out for the far reaches of our property where I could be removed and alone. I ranted and raved and swore and spat and kicked all the way to the top of the hill where I sat down on the rock outcropping and tried to get a handle on myself. After allowing myself a few more tears, I began some deep breathing. The calm came quickly and I began to look around as I was breathing to see if there were something that God was going to use in the nature around me to speak to me (that is often how we two communicate). BAM! So quickly it was there. A tree. Right in front of where I was sitting.
Most will not be able to tell but while this tree is green but it is not perfectly healthy. It has been affected, for quite some time, by dwarf mistletoe. Dwarf mistletoe is a parasite that lives for years off of a tree and doesn't really kill it, not outright, but it does drain some of its energy and it causes a strange growth pattern in the branches. It causes the branches to grow downward, rather than straight or up towards the sun, which is the natural pattern. The branches grow downward and resemble a broom and thus the phenomenon is called "witches brooming". The picture below shows inside to some of the branches and gives you a better idea.
All of this would not be evident to most people but with my background and training I could see it right away and it took my breath away when I saw that tree as a metaphor for me. Earlier this week I had been traveling in the car with my youngest child and the song that I now recognize as the song of meditation for me in my youth came up on my iPod shuffle and I had the opportunity to explain to my girl what this song had meant for me even back when I didn't know what meditation was on a formal level. As I looked at that tree, a line in that song flowed through me and I knew I was being led and taught. You see, I am a tree (or a Silken Tent, my favourite poem, which was also running through my mind at this point) just like the tree I was facing. I have quite a bit of witchesbrooming on some of my lower branches. Unlike the tree, I have mostly chosen those who get to feed from me and my energy but in giving of myself and my energy I have been affected and drained of essential energies. And that's okay. It is okay because I am being supported and buoyed up by a God whose love I feel every day. And you know what, the metaphor for that God was there before me as well.
If you look up from the areas of witchesbrooming on the affected tree, you will see that her higher branches are still growing correctly and she is growing right next to a monster of a tree that she is leaning on slightly and he is offering her support. They even make music together when the wind hits them and their branches rub and sway together. This is how I can keep going. This is what I need and precisely the message that could offer me peace even in the midst of major turmoil happening in the lives of those I love. And as all of this rushed over me, the tears began again but they were the cleansing kind of tears this time. What a blessing. I wish there were a way that I could just infuse what I felt there on that mountain into those I love but, unfortunately, they have to get out of their own heads and find it for themselves.
As I sat there, now able to truly breathe deeply and in peace, a beautiful small voice whispered the following thought to me, "Your problems are the blessings that others are begging for." I am not going to get into the problems that me and mine are facing but this struck me so hard that I nearly fell off of the rock that I was perched on. MY (OUR) PROBLEMS ARE THE BLESSINGS THAT OTHERS ARE BEGGING FOR! Now, this is not the case with every single one of my problems, but many of our struggles are a result of choices, good choices, that have brought us to this place and I need to own that. I cannot express how huge this was for me.
I wrapped up my time away by taking off my shoes and relishing the feel of the earth beneath my feet as I stretched and stretched. "Stretch" is the word that God has given me to ponder this year and as I stood next to these trees that had just offered such powerful lessons to me I again heard that precious soft voice whisper, "Stretch toward God". This has many layers of meaning and I will be pondering that at length over the coming days but it was just one more powerful truth offered to me there on that mountain to carry home and back to reality.
I cried on my way up the mountain and I cried on my way down but they were vastly different tears. I am loved and I am whole and this is the life I have chosen for myself and I wouldn't have it any other way. Please, anyone who is still with me at this ending, just try meditating, just try being alone and talking freely to whatever it is that you believe to be a higher power. This may be a rambling mess, but it is real and there is peace to be had!
No comments:
Post a Comment