Fear

Many years ago, when we were first married I trained to be a Master Gardener and then an Advanced Master Gardener. One day I was working the phones as part of the hours we were required to work to make up for the training we had received. I was approached by the new extension agent and she asked me if I were interested in doing further training to become a Wildlife Master Gardener. OF COURSE! I loved the classes and training that I had already received and I was so hungry for more. I was so excited. A few days later I received a letter from the extension office outlining the training that I would receive. It also contained a short resume of the agent. When I opened this letter, I saw one word...ARACHNOLOGIST...Oh no. This woman was some kind of freaky spider scientist. I could not do this. I had a total and abject fear of spiders. If I saw one in the house, I would scream for Karl or remain paralyzed in fear until it moved out of my path. Karl had a special wood turned spider smashing tool that he had made in wood shop back in high school that I kept always at the ready in case he was not there to save me. I did not want to go and take classes from this woman. I battled this out over the next week and my hunger to learn won. I went to class. And for the first couple of classes all was well. Because of our location, we focused on studying about the varmints that plague our area and then the large predators that we all need to respect. The third class was all about snakes and reptiles. I was feeling all big and bad as I was one of only two women who would handle the two snakes that the agent brought to class. Then it happened. At the end of that class, she announced that the next class would not be an evening class but a Saturday excursion up the Apex Trail to learn about the spiders of Colorado. I quickly decided that I would not attend this class. She grabbed my arm as I left and told me that I could not miss the next class, it must have showed in my face. I literally lost sleep over this. I was terrified. But I went. It changed my life. We hiked up the trail and she put a sheet under a large bush and shook it and a number of bugs and yes, spiders fell out. AND SHE STARTED PICKING THEM UP. I nearly passed out. She then sat us down while she held a variety of spiders and explained to us the various devices such as behavior, colorings, movement and web design that allowed these creatures to make the most of life and catch the most bugs. She then elaborated on what would happen, quickly, if the world were to suddenly find itself without spiders. Then she explained that there were really only two spiders of any large number in Colorado whose jaws had the ability to pierce human skin. In other words, there are relatively few spiders who can actually hurt me. Then she stood up and walked over to me and held out her hand, on which rested a large, very yellow crab spider (he had been resting on a wild daisy and they are chameleons who change their color to blend with their surroundings). She told me to hold him. That may be one of the hardest things anyone has ever asked me to do. She reminded me that he was harmless to me. After some coaxing, I held out my hand and she scooted him on. She told me to look at him, really look. So I got my face right up close to my hand. That caused the spider to rear up and wave his silly smaller legs around all threatening-like, just like a crab. So, I backed my big fat face up a bit and he calmed down and then he looked at me, I mean he really looked at me and we had a moment. He tilted his head to one side and studied me and I studied him and then he made himself comfortable on my hand. She told me to hold him while she finished the lecture. A few moments later, I glanced down and realized that he was in the process of adapting himself to match my skin tone. I know it sounds crazy, but it was a powerful thing and I was hooked. Yes me, the person most fearful of spiders ever was now totally captivated by one that was SITTING ON MY SKIN. I went on to hold other spiders and even her pet tarantula that day. It was amazing. I got home and stunned my husband by showing him that I no longer feared, and even LOVED spiders. He was blown away and spoke of how absolutely true it was that education is the key to changing our lives and making us more free.


My life was never the same after that day. I have tried to take this lesson learned and carry it forward. I have overcome other fears by choosing to educate myself. From my grandmother on down through a number of cousins, there is a vast amount of artistic talent, but I had always been told that I did not get any of those genes so I had never tried creating anything in the visual arts. Right after the spider incident and with the encouragement of my husband, I took a class in tole painting with oils and discovered that, while not wholly creative, I could make something that had beauty. When things began to go sour for my oldest child in school because of some regulations, I bundled myself off to a weekend long seminar with a terrific mentor and began a long term learning path that would allow me to take a deep breath and choose to homeschool my children, even while remaining on the payroll of the public school system. After 9-11, I chose to work to face my intense fear of Muslim people by studying their core book and other writings. This led me to a level of comfort that opened the door to me encouraging my husband to approach a group of Muslim men at a hotel in New Mexico (my husband is better at this than me) and engaging them in conversation. I powerful experience that opened my eyes and brought about an experience that I still cherish. This encounter led me to study the Sufi branch of Islam where I totally fell in love with the words of the Sufi poets, who express so beautifully exactly how I feel about God. These are a few examples of things that I have been able to face because I educated myself. But the big one came in 2006 when I had to face my biggest fear, the one we all face. I had to face my fear of death and of loss in a huge way due to a number of deaths that occurred that are beyond the scope of what any of us normally face. Because of the magnitude of these tragedies, I faced a life crisis. I had been raised in a faith in which my family deeply involved and I had always professed a testimony, but now I was faced with having to know, really know, if God was real and if there is hope for more beyond this life. So, I began the process of truly educating myself. I began with Genesis 1:1 and went through the core books of my own religion and then I branched out to other faiths, beginning with my beloved Sufi's and the Koran Qur'an and went through the Tao and the writings of Confucius and the Bhagavad Gita and the four agreements of the Toltec faith as passed onto me by my good friend Ellis and so on and so on until I came full circle and returned to where I had begun. It was intense and powerful but I came to a point when I could breathe and face death and loss as well as could ever be expected and I came to know less fear and more peace and stillness. And I came to know that there was indeed a God who loved me and had a plan for me and for all of his children. And I came to know that the faith of my youth was where I wanted to be. I know that there are some of you out there who may be reading this who struggle with this, but I am truly where I want and need to be. And, I came to know and love truth in so very many beautiful works and words. And I came to appreciate people and cultures that I had not yet understood on any level. And my heart was at first comforted and then soared with this new understanding and education.


The journeys that I have been on, in particular these past seven years, are not for everyone, but educating ourselves away from fear is a valuable concept. I realize that it may sound mighty silly that it began with a spider, but I am so very grateful for that spider and for God's willingness to put me in a place to face a silly fear so that I had a path to follow when a much deeper fear threatened to overpower me. So...what new thing have you learned today...