Tears For Fears

More reunion musings... Upon driving away from the reunion, Mom and I were both loath to leave the Valley. We went to my Uncle Jerry's and packed up and then decided to stop for dinner in the form of a fresh raspberry shake at the Red Baron Drive In. We took our shakes and drove up to Fairview to get a look at the old homestead and the old dry farm and finally the cemetery. As we finished up and finally had to head to Cokeville and were driving out of the Valley, I startled my mom by bursting into tears. She asked if she needed to drive and if I needed to pull over. I told her I just had to cry for a bit and talk it out and asked if she minded. In just a few seconds, she was in tears as well and we both had a good cry that was much needed. The tears were not all bad, there were good tears as well, but it had been a tough day for me. Mostly my tears were from fear. I am not a person who is often consumed by fear but I was at this moment. I am afraid that those tender kisses that had been offered by a few folks that day might be the last kisses I receive from them. I am afraid that some members of my family will soon have nothing more to do with me and are pulling away from me and from others and I love and need them. I am afraid that watching someone I have loved my whole life not know me is a precurser of things to come. I am afraid that I am not living up to an incredible heritage. I am so very afraid that I am a disappointment to those who have gone before, most notibly my dear great Grandma who taught me so much and my Lord. I am afraid of being the generation that must keep family legacies going strong. I am afraid of not being a little girl whose uncles and aunts and grandparents are always looking out for every day. And the good tears. I am happy that I come from such an incredibly beautiful place and such amazing people. I am happy that I am strong and have withstood so much because of my upbringing and was reassured in a blessing from my Uncle Jerry that I could withstand more and even conquer. I am happy that I have such fabulous children who are strong and level headed and always responsible in a world where responsibility is fast becoming a precious commodity. I am happy that I do know that there is a God and that I come close to believing that he loves me, even though I am so messed up. I am happy that I had that road trip with my mom and that we giggled and cried our way across Wyoming and had adventures and deepened our appreciation for one another. I am happy that she and I were able to be representatives for the Jack Harmon family. How heartbreaking it would have been if there were none from our family there. I am even happy that I have a bit of vocal talent, even though I am still gonna kill my mom for asking me to lead "Little Green Valley" and I am VERY happy that I forced her hand and Bev and Christine's hands so that they came up to help me lead that very emotional song to end this year's program. Yep, a fairly equal mix of happy and fear tears. All in all, I am glad I went. I am grateful for going home and the powerful restorative powers that are available to me in those little Wyoming towns. I am grateful to hear people talk right. I wish the rest of the world understood that a crick is where you swim on a hot day and that if one does not talk with a bit of a slow twaingy drawl, then one is letting the world and their words go by too fast. I am grateful for cousins and aunts and uncles that make me feel like I am not lost or ugly or silly (well not too silly) and that I have something to offer. I am grateful to love and be loved and as I write these words, there are tears again. I did not expect that, but I am even grateful for the tears. They let me know that I am feeling and that is what I want more than anything. I want to feel, fully and deeply, every day of my life. Tears and even the fears that they may represent make me real and I never want to stop being real. I love you all! Good night.